The Sailor's Wife
inspired by Salvador Dali's "Figure at a Window"
He has a window with no glass,
a ceiling with no beams,
a sky made out of canvas.
Her skin is the same color as the wall,
an earthy shade not so difficult to paint,
a misery that comes and goes with the tide.
Here's a link to the painting: http://www.abcgallery.com/D/dali/dali27.JPG
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I love this poem! Amazing! It really showed emotion and depth. But alas, it was heart wrenching. Still, a beautiful poem.
Actually, I really like this poem. I think it is fine the way it is. Also, I have been trying to convince people that poems are your own creations, don't let others tell you what to change. It should be more riddled with your own original typhoon! Honestly, sometimes short is sweet.
This part here (The beginning):
"He has a window with no glass,
a ceiling with no beams,
a sky made out of canvas."
I thought it was very descriptive, and the imagery blew me away. We have no idea who he is, or what he is doing. It is more like the explaination of a painting, like still life rather than an actual live scence.
This part here (the end):
"Her skin is the same color as the wall,
an earthy shade not so difficult to paint,
a misery that comes and goes with the tide."
She is not explained either, which is perfect because I can put whomever I want in her place. It gives the reader a chance to be a part of the poem, even sometimes emotionally. The end lets me feel a deep emotion, almost like malencholy (I neglected to know the correct spelling).
Its length is perfect, because it holds a lovely pattern.
Very good job!
Sincerely, it's really great.
Colly-
Perhaps you don't need to lengthen, but simply improve with what you have already given us? Word choice is an amazing thing!
As for leaning to much onto the painting because it was for creative writing class and not caring about it much, I completely understand that. It makes you not want to care about it as much, huh?
I think you could keep the last stanza as the last stanza. To make something better you don't necessarily need to give it more, perhaps just change what you already have, you know?
All-
I definitely see what you guys are saying about extending it. I've tried! The problem I'm running into is that I don't know what to extend.
I like the current last stanza being last, so I've got to stick something in the beginning or in the middle. I realize that it leans a bit on the painting - it was for Creative Writing class, so I didn't take the poem seriously for a while and I was a bit sloppy. I would like to go farther with it, but I need some suggestions as to how to go about that. Thanks for all the responses!
Colleen
That first stanza
Is really very good I think that it captures the feeling of surrealism quite accurately. It captures the feeling of someone in the painting quite well.
In this second stanza I think that it is more of a description, in the first two lines, than trying to get over some emotion or meaning. I really liked the last line, I think that the coming and going with the tide was a very good way of putting it.
My suggestion would be, in the second stanza, to focus more on some sort of meaning, surrealism, like you do in the first stanza. As to extending it, I'm torn, like some others are. I think though that it stands out as it is.
I agree it seems unfinished. The concept seems sort of empty, I think it could be brought our more clearly. Maybe develop your ideas a bit more, without leaning too much on the visual work.
What I did like was the atmosphere you managed to create, and the visual imagery that worked without looking at the painting. Nice work.
More! I want more...I think you need at least one more stanza to tie it off. As is, it seems unfinished.
Hoy Colly!
But nothing is ever perfect, otherwise editing would be obsolete (too bad...)
I liked the flow it had, though it was a bit off in some places. It flowed but... it didn't. Which is neither good or bad, just my observation.
I liked how "glass" and "canvas" are close to rhyming, and would have likes it had, in the next stanza, the nearly-a-rhyme affect also occurred, but I wasn't too disappointed.
I liked the poem, something about it was really brought out. I haven't looked at the painting, nor do I plan on it. I want to see your poem as words, and not as an extension of this painting, although even I am tempted to do that on occasion.
I think it lacked something, and it is one of those things I can't exactly place. It either needs one of the two: feeling, or description.
Were you leaning too hard on the painting while writing this? Like how I wanted to view your poem, make sure you write the poem entirely separate from the painting. Consider the painting an explanation of the poem; don't we all know a poem isn't worth while if it must be explained? Of course, I don't compare you to those in-need-of-explanation poets, I'm just trying to come up with a reason for why the poem might have been lacking.
I'm not sure what you were going for, but as for a reading, I think if you brought more visual to it (described the painting more?) and perhaps feeling (What does it make you feel? What do you think? What is beyond the painting that you imagine?) it would improve. Make the poem its own painting (I'm repeating myself..) its own entity.
Sure, that will cause it to lengthen, but that hasn't hurt anyone, right? The I do like the length how it is...
By no means bad, I certainly enjoyed it
Hope I helped!