So, um, I wrote this once when I was being really hopeless-romantic-y. I actually hate it, but YWS has definitely helped me salvage poetry I hate before, so please, do your worst.
--
Friend: let me say first that I am sorry. I am sorry
because I think about you often. I am sorry because
you have never kissed a girl. I am sorry because
you are often unhappy. Please smile. Please accept
as my apology this wish: That you would lay that
first kiss upon my cheek, or better yet, my own
mouth—and this will solve two problems all at
once. Perhaps you will smile more, and give
me a reason to love boys with dark eyes, and give
me some fodder for my poetry, which could use
a few kisses, soft and warm. Forgive me for this.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Your concerns, Melja, are exactly the same as mine. I'm still not feeling like I can really salvage this one--at least not right now. I think I'm going to set it aside for a while. I think in part it was an exercise in rhythm and tone...my writing's changed a lot this summer and this is one of the awkward byproducts. Though, to be fair, most of my romantic poems are the awkward byproducts of something and I really shouldn't write them.
Thanks for all your suggestions!
-Colleen
I agree with Trident; get rid of the nonessential words like "please" and "because" and see what you have left, because it sounds rather sappy. That's alright, of course, at times, but I've seen romantic poems by you with more kick to them, so I know elements of this could have the same spirit too.
My favourite line:
I guess I like it because it's more self-preserving than the rest of the poem (and I don't mean that in a bad way). Previously, the poem (in more feminist terms) was very weak emotionally, focusing on asking forgiveness for something that wasn't acknowledged as wrong. It's kind of fuzzy and retrospective in a very non-specific way. In the section quoted, it seems much more real, and sharply focused in the present, and acknowledges a more of a self-reliance side than before.
Bah, you can do this, Colly. I believe in you!
Ok, speaking as one who has written poetry for a while, I'd say this is a good start. I think you say "I'm sorry" a bit much. it would be a bit better if you just had one "I'm sorry", and then listed all the things you were sorry for. It would give the poem a little less guilty feel and a more forgiving and apologetic feel to it. I would also separate the lines into something more like this:
Friend:
Let me say first that I am sorry.
I am sorry because I think about you often.
I am sorry because you have never kissed a girl.
I am sorry because you are often unhappy.
Please smile.
Please accept
As my apology
This wish:
That you would lay that
First kiss
Upon my cheek, or better yet,
My own mouth—
And that would solve two problems all at once.
Perhaps you will smile more,
And give me a reason to love boys with dark eyes,
Give me some fodder for my poetry,
Which could use a few warm kisses,
Forgive me for this.
I also added a few changes I think would be quite helpful.
I think my favorite line was "That you would lay that first kiss upon my cheek, or better yet, my [s]own[/s] mouth"
I would also work off the "you have never kissed a girl" part because it seems kind of sad and striking in its own way.
awww, I like it... I think it's sweet.
The lines would benefit from being like this, however,:
Friend: let me say first that I am sorry.
I am sorry,
because I think about you often.
I am sorry,
because you have never kissed a girl.
I am sorry,
because you are often unhappy.
Please smile.
Please accept as my apology this wish:
That you would lay that first kiss upon my cheek,
or better yet,
my own mouth—[s]and[/s] this will solve two problems,
all at once.
Perhaps you will smile more,
and give me a reason to love boys with dark eyes,
and give me some fodder for my poetry;
which could use a few kisses, soft and warm.
Forgive me for this.
But that's just me... I found it quite hard to follow in the way you put it (... though i may just be tired)
Overall I think it was a nice little poem. Good job!
XD Pride and Prejudice. You hit the nail on the head. Would it please you to know this was written not long after I watched the movie and started reading the book? (I'm actually not a big fan of Jane Austen. I just like romance.)
It is nowhere near what I consider the best I've written. I don't like it very much, because it's an exercise in sappy babble, and I write way too much sappy babble. I mean really. It has to stop somehow. I was wondering if any of it was salvageable. Which specific lines did you like?
I wouldn't say it's your best for sure. There are a few good lines, but it also seems like you stray a bit stylistically.
I would drop the the words "because", "please" and "perhaps" which have the effect of making things hesitant and passive.
Also, when you write about boys with dark eyes, it feels as though you put it in there for a visual in a poem that doesn't seem to be about the senses. Maybe add more of these visuals or omit.
I'm not really excited about the line about your poetry which feels as though it was put in to be cute. Maybe it's cause I'm a guy or something. ^_^
Overall it reminds me of my sister forcing me to watch "Pride and Prejudice" last night, which wasn't really all that bad.