Young Writers Society

I loved this piece! Definitely! good job drawing the picture of what you were trying to say!

ML,
oregongirl

I can see why you picked this to be critiqued.

It's very, very, good. You give a very clear setting, and the reader can immerse themselves into the imagery.

I'd suggest tying the beginning in with the end, and I thought you could perhaps go into more detail on the email thing

i love it, seriously. Especially the line:
"Water slipped into the tinted
dome of the porch light, as if to hide"

Its refreshing actually, you dont often see poems like this. I guess working on it from February paid off. *thumbs up* x

*blushes* Thanks for the crits, guys. I have, actually, been working on this poem since late February, and it's still driving me crazy.

Maybe I'll write a sequel about the fat porch guy who likes country music fixing the light! Erm...no.

I loved the imagery you created in this. I could really see it all happening. Great work!

~Yoyo

I loved the use of style here, how the reader is so immersed in the pure atmosphere, which is entirely realistic, that they do not release the emotions they are immersed in until reflection after the poem. I likewise disagree with kitty's suggestion, and think that some areas of words could be cut out, like "email", but I don't really have any concrete views on that.

So, compliments, and stick to this style: it looks good on you.

I definitely disagree with kitty. There's no hard-and-fast rule that says all poetry must begin each line with a capitalized letter; it's a personal preference to the utmost degree. As it is, I like the structure you have going here.

On a more holistic note, I loved this; the ending wasn't anticlimactic at all. I found it very significant. This is easily one of the best poems I think I've read here on YWS if just for content. Stylistically it's got a few less than ideal moments (particularly of note, the abnormally short lines, such as in the beginning of the last stanza).

I think you need to capitalise the first letter of each line, even when it's a run on sentence, just so that it looks more like a poem. As for the context, I liked the semantic field of ice and cold. That was really effective and the line 'My e-mail box revealed humanity for a moment' was very thought provoking and quite in contrast to what e-mails usually contain. Or at least in my case it is.

The ending is a little unusual and a slight anti climax but it doesn't take away from the overall good impression I got. Work on your imagery just a little more and I'm sure you'll go far! Good job here.

I liked this poem -- it had such a strong atmosphere and so I enjoyed that aspect of it alot. The ending is very strong as well.

Overall criticism... connecting the "holding in the lungs" feeling of the first stanza down to the waiting for spring of the last would make this poem more whole and cohesive.

plunged is a good word. I think "as the weathermen like to say" is a waste of a line, and you could do more with 'plunged' in that space; there's an overall sense of temperature and hope and light sinking down or slinking away in this poem, and that could add to it.