My grandparents' walls are covered with clocks,
and the memoirs of their ship: Invictus,
reads the anchor on the coffee table.
They sailed around the world before I was
born, and the map in the den documents, in
thumbtacks and colored threads,
where they've been.
At the age of five, not yet in love with
the Chesapeake Bay, I put my ear to the
conch shell and poked at their collected
trinkets in the sun-flooded front room.
The Patuxent River flickers at dawn;
at thirteen, I admired the trinkets
again. A burnished statuette, I imagine,
is from Spain; a typically charming shop
left over from centuries ago, fragrances of
the Old World seeping out into the paved,
rumbling streets of Madrid.
The woman at the register, grey hair
and wrinkles, a well-worn Castilian smile
drawing the sun-blinded tourists into the
dark room, flecks of Aztec gold glinting
in the dust, left over from the last voyage.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
[quote]reads the anchor on the coffee table
I'd take reads out hear, it read more fluidly to me without it
[quote]They sailed around the world before I was
born, and the map in the den documents, in
thumbtacks and colored threads,
where they've been.
At the age of five, not yet in love with
the Chesapeake Bay, I put my ear to the
conch shell and poked at their collected
trinkets in the sun-flooded front room.
This is really strong to me.
[quote]I admired the trinkets
again.
I'd take out the again, again for fluidity purposes.
I really like your writing, there's a lot of potential in it!
Anytime, Colleen! I love reading your poetry.
Sophie - I changed the "in". I kind of like it up there on the line before.
Thanks for the comments!
Colly
I agree with bubbles - beautifully written, and it makes you want to linger in it, sink down and savor the gentle, exotic places. Very memory-esque, but devoid of nostalgia - much more promising that. I love it!
This was my favorite part:
I swear I can smell the shop's scent. I love the place name's dotted throughout... for some reason it reminded me of Casablanca... maybe the combination of exotic cultures and recognizable emotions. There was one place where I wasn't sure about the line break...
This read a little awkwardly to me... maybe if you put the "in" on the first line it would read smoother?
I wish I had more constructive criticism to add here... if I think of anything more I'll let you know. I really liked it. It was so... so savory. Really good!
Charming, whimsical and elegantly written. I very much enjoyed it. I'll give it a second read later and see if I can find anything to critique properly, but at the moment I just want to enjoy it