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The Story of Chroman

by CXMendoza37


The Story of Chroman

A long time ago (1797) in a land far, far, far, away called Paris a man by the name of Louis-Nicholas Vauquelin was up to something. Mr.Vauquelin was busy experimenting on Siberian red lead also known as crocoite (PbCrO4). Fiddling around, he mixed the crocoite with hydrochloric acid (HCl) and he made chromium oxide (CrO3). Later in 1898 he was surprised to find out that by just heating his solution he could get metallic chromium. In his excitement he made some fly up and Louis ingested some. He became Chroman. Chroman looks like the every day super hero, with a European hat and jet engine wings. He is solid at room temperature with his chrome plated stainless steel armor. His armor can shine so bright that it blinds his enemies. Chroman’s two superpowers main superpowers, one is that he melts at very high temperatures and is resistant to corrosion with an exception hydrochloric acid. Hydrochloric acid is Chroman’s arch enemy, it makes him dissolve. Chroman usually responds to emergencies dealing with corrosion. He arrives on the scene using his jet engine wings backpack. When undercover he posses as Chris Rider seeing as Louis-Nicholas Vauquelin is presumed dead but he as actually Chroman. A year later after his creation he help with beryllium, but that’s a different story. Now Chroman as another emergency to take care of.


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442 Reviews


Points: 14670
Reviews: 442

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Sun Dec 30, 2018 10:15 pm
Ventomology wrote a review...



Hi hello!

Superheroes are just the best so of course I had to take a gander. Now then, review time:

Writing Craft Comments:

1. So I will note that this is more just a summary of Chroman's backstory, and perhaps not literature. I know that it can be easier to get work out where people can see it by going through YWS's publishing center, but another good place to get feedback on your characters would be the forums! It's very easy to drop in, make a post, and ask people what they think about a concept, without having to spend the points to put this in gen lit. And, if you're looking for advice on a character concept, asking in the forums makes it a little easier for your fellows on YWS to give you the advice you need.

2. Paragraphs are your friend! It makes it easier on your reader if you break things up, because then we can keep better track of where we are, and it groups together information to make it all more digestible.

Concept:

1. I've seen one or two superhero stories involving the 18th and 19th centuries, but it's not very common. I'd be interested to see what you do with that setting!

Also, slight issue with your dates: 1797 and 1898 are over 100 years apart. I find it difficult to believe that this hero, Mr. Vauquelin, could be alive and doing science for so long. (Also, how would he be an effective hero at that age? Must be difficult to move around, even if he's particularly spry.)

2. I love the idea of a superhero story heavily steeped in chemistry! There's a lot of fake science in superhero-ing, of course, but it's so fun to see something that isn't about radioactivity or global disaster. A word of caution: people are more likely to know things about chemistry than say, medical nuclear physics. As such, suspension of disbelief might be an issue.

Honestly, I'm interested in this concept, and I'd love to see it be written out in a narrative.
Let me know if you have questions about writing or YWS in general!

-Vento




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Sun Dec 30, 2018 10:08 pm
ShadowVyper wrote a review...



Hey CXMendoza,

Shady here with a review for you on this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Red Team. My style tends to be to make comments as I'm reading about things that stand out to me (both positive and negative!) and then give a general summary at the end. Let's get started...

Later in 1898


This seems to be an extremely long time gap. If he first started doing his experiments in 1797 then this would be a full 101 years later, and, assuming he's an adult, he's got to be at least 120-130 years old at this point, possibly older. Doesn't seem overly realistic that he'd still be alive and certainly not practicing science, unless there's something supernatural about him, in which case I think it would be worth mentioning that, so that the continuity issue doesn't cause a break in the drama you are creating.

Chroman’s two superpowers main superpowers


I assume that this was just a bit of editing goof-up, but it doesn't make sense how it's currently written. I'd suggest editing so that you only have one mention of superpowers in this sentence.

~ ~ ~

Okay! I liked your story. I particularly like the scientific thought you put into it, and including the scientific formulas of the compounds he was working with. I'm working on my Master's of Biology and it just made my heart warm to see someone writing science fiction who actually cares about how science works.

One general thing that I noticed overall is that you should work on paragraphing your story. Right now it's just one massive block of text that's intimidating to read and is a bit hard to follow. Paragraphs are meant to be small, digestible chunks of text that readers can process easily. Having such a large block of text makes it hard on both the eyes and the brain to keep straight what's happening.

Otherwise, though, I think this was a nice story. I'd be interested to see you expand this into a longer story to see what Chroman actually does, not just how he was created and what his super powers are, you know? Like see his story in action.

That's all I have for now! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Wed Nov 14, 2018 8:10 pm
Fantascifi66 wrote a review...



Hi!
Welcome to YWS!
This was very good!
Though I wish it would have been longer.
And when I read it, it felt more of a summary of a story than the story itself.
Also, try not to make it a whole ball of text. Try this for example:

A long time ago (1797) in a land far, far, far, away called Paris a man by the name of Louis-Nicholas Vauquelin was up to something.
Mr.Vauquelin was busy experimenting on Siberian red lead also known as crocoite (PbCrO4).
Fiddling around, he mixed the crocoite with hydrochloric acid (HCl) and he made chromium oxide (CrO3).

Later in 1898 he was surprised to find out that by just heating his solution he could get metallic chromium. In his excitement he made some fly up and Louis ingested some.
He became Chroman. Chroman looks like the every day super hero, with a European hat and jet engine wings.

He is solid at room temperature with his chrome plated stainless steel armor. His armor can shine so bright that it blinds his enemies.
Chroman’s two superpowers main superpowers, one is that he melts at very high temperatures and is resistant to corrosion with an exception hydrochloric acid.

Hydrochloric acid is Chroman’s arch enemy, it makes him dissolve. Chroman usually responds to emergencies dealing with corrosion. He arrives on the scene using his jet engine wings backpack. When undercover he posses as Chris Rider seeing as Louis-Nicholas Vauquelin is presumed dead but he as actually Chroman.

A year later after his creation he help with beryllium, but that’s a different story. Now Chroman as another emergency to take care of.

But great job though! Remember, you don't have to take my advice AT ALL, as I am not even English.
Again, welcome! If you ever need anything, you can contact me or one of the mods!

Your weird, quirky friend,

Fanta








[as a roleplayer is feeling sad about torturing her characters] RavenLord: "You're a writer, dear. Embrace it."
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