Published October 17, 2008
I could tell I was dreaming. His smile had clouded my sleep-fogged brain; the sound of his voice lulled me deeper into a welcome slumber. The way his eyes lit up when he saw me was something I had always wanted. I couldn't move as he came near, hand extended. I lifted mine towards him, reaching as far as I could...
'...You be the prince and I'll be the princess. It's a love story, baby just say yes...' My alarm went off and I groaned an anguished sigh. My wonderful dream was shattered by my favorite love song. I hit the off button, and slid out of bed. My knees hit the floor and I bowed by head.
I finally got up off the floor and looked at the calendar. My mind rejoiced and my heart sang. It was finally Thursday, the last day of the school week, and I was leaving to go out of town. I was definitely in a hurry to get through today. I flicked the lights on and searched. Finally I found them.
I grabbed my towels and headed for the shower, the heat helped me wake up and calm my excited mind. I stepped out and the cold hit me like a cement wall. I looked up, the mirror was fogged over, but I could see my ivory skin, pale and red and my lips, blue from the cold. My brown hair looked black and my freckles looked dark compared to my pale skin. What would he think of me? Would he think I was pretty?
I groaned again, when an impatient pounding sounded at the door followed by yelling. I toweled myself a little slower, ignoring the noise.
“Emma! Hurry up in there! I have to get ready too!” My little sister yelled. I soon had a headache, and gave in.
“Ok!” I shouted. “I’m out!” I opened the door, my towel wrapped around tight, and she flew past me. She must have been in a hurry. I rolled my eyes and left.
I shivered all the way back to my small bedroom. I walked over to my stereo and turned on the Christmas tunes. Christmas was still two months away, but I couldn’t have enough. I opened my wardrobe and picked out my clothes; a light red sweater and dark blue jeans. I sang along with the music as I headed back down the hall to blow dry my hair.
Thoughts of the weekend once again filled my head. I would be going to help my sister-in-law with her kids. I was leaving tonight and coming back Sunday night.
This weekend not only would be fun, but would be the weekend where I could see this dream boy of mine for a second time. I had seen him once, but once wasn’t enough. He was cute, too cute.
I looked into the mirror to see a red blush coming up my face. I didn’t want to embarrass my self, so I had to be careful. I worked on being shy and quiet, as well as flirty. I didn’t want to over do it. I practiced smiling and laughing. I looked silly. I laughed a my self and looked into the mirror.
My hair had had enough of the blow dryer, so I pulled out the straightener. When it was hot enough I started in on my thin, short hair. I worked quietly, mouthing the music coming from my room.
Soon my thoughts turned to him again, and I left them float around in my head. I sighed contentedly. I hoped this weekend all would go well. I finished in the bathroom and strolled out to put on my makeup, still singing. I had finally finished getting ready so I ran out to my car and started it. I loved my car. It was a 1960’s Comet, candy apple red.
When I got back inside, something smelled really good. I followed the smell to the kitchen, where my mom was making sourdough pancakes.
“Mmm… Wow Mom. We get pancakes?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s your sister’s birthday.” My mouth came open, I felt so bad. I had been so caught up in my plans; I had forgotten my sister’s birthday. I ran to my room and grabbed the gift I had bought for her.
“Happy birthday, Rach,” I said. I grinned sheepishly. “Sorry about this morning.”
“’K.” She grabbed the present and opened it. She gasped when she saw the porcelain doll. It was a young girl in a beautiful 18th century gown. Her hair was curled in ringlets that framed her face. She had auburn hair and light brown freckles scattered around her nose. She was gorgeous. When I saw her I had wished I was that pretty.
“Thank you Emma! She is beautiful!”
“Your welcome.” I hugged her. Then sat down to eat my pancake. I ate slowly, figuring out my priorities. I had really screwed up this morning.
I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. “Bye Mom! Love ya!” I yelled.
“See ya!” My mom and I were the best of friends. I didn’t know what I would do without her. I don’t know if our relationship would have been like this if my dad hadn’t have passed away. When he did, I grew up faster so I could help take some of the weight off her shoulders, helping us get closer.
My car was really warm when I climbed in. I rolled down the window and put my seat belt on. I drove slowly to my friend Kyle’s house. I honked the horn and he jogged out to my car.
“Hey you,” he said.
“Hi.” Not only were we best friends, but he was my first date when I had turned sixteen. He was the best.
We joked and talked on the way to school. We saw Christmas songs at the top of our lungs and teased each other about our voices. It was this great most every morning.
We finally pulled into the school’s parking lot. During the last few minutes I had told him of this boy in Highland, and he gave me some advice. We parted after we walked into the school, I had to go to my locker, he had Swing Choir.
I walked slowly to my old orange locker, and pulled hard. It was so old and so broken; I didn’t even have to put in my combination. The only bad thing about that was if someone broke in to steal something. I stuffed my bag and jacket in my locker. Taking a look at all of the old pictures of my dad and me. The memories came flooding back. I finally shook the away.
I grabbed the book I was currently reading. That seemed to be the only thing I ever did. I read, to escape this reality. I read to meet new friends and fall in love with a fictional character. Most people knew me as the bookworm or something related to books.
“Ouch!” I yelped. More students had come in. My thoughts had finally caused me to trip over somebody. I glanced up and blushed. I could feel the red heat blossoming around my ears and through my face. It was the cutest senior in the school, and here I was, a lowly junior. “I’m so, so sorry,” I apologized.
He huffed a response while he and his friends walked away, snickering behind my back. The questions I had asked myself everyday since I had moved here flowed back into my head, drowning the positive thoughts.
What is wrong with me? Am I not pretty? Why can’t I be skinnier? Am I not good enough? I didn’t have an answer to any of these. I wanted to be accepted, wanted to be someone.
I stopped the negative thoughts and, trying to buoy up my spirits, I reminded myself what I was in for this weekend. A slow smile lit my face as a joyful hop filled my sluggish step.
“Emma!” I whipped my head around to see my friend Dani walking towards me. I stopped and turned around, patiently waiting. She finally made it to me. “Hi there!”
“Hey.” I must’ve said it a little to enthusiastic because her face scrunched up. “What?” I asked. I smiled bigger. My cheeks were starting to hurt.
“You’re happy.” She said it like it was a bad thing. “I mean, why are you so happy?”
“Well, to make a long story short, I am going to help my sister in law with her kids this weekend, and while I am there, I may see a…” I trailed off as I watched her boyfriend slip his arm around her waist. She blushed from her head to her toes, it was hilarious. I giggled and then sighed. I never got to finish a conversation with her.
“Sorry Em. Gotta go!” She smiled up into his face and walked away.
My frustration gave way and I stomped over to the commons. I sat down huffily and stared into my book. I wasn’t really reading, I was just looking at the page, drifting off into another place. The place where I found peace.
Hi daddy. I miss you. Everything is so weird right now. Dani has a boyfriend, I’m still single, and I haven’t even had one date yet. Maybe I am being too impatient. Ugh… maybe I need to calm down. I am so frustrated. I want to get out of here. I just want to leave. I want to see you.
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139,688 Literary Works • 672,649 Reviews
Heyy there - here I am for the review. I can't wait to get started!! Although, I haven't read the above reviews (I know, lazy ;p ) so I apologise before hand if I repeat anything. I think that's it for now ... on with the review!!
Last Minute Views
As I've gone through it, I've been asking you questions and inserting stuff that I think need to be added to give you an idea, but you can change what I said, or just ignore it. Haha, I don't mind, as you are the writer!! Anyway, on with the final thoughts of my review ...
Characters
Your MC is very nicely developed in this chapter, however I think you need to work a bit more on developing your other characters. You need to add in more about your MC's sister, her two best friends and her best friend's boyfriend - especially him, as you haven't even given him a name!! Also, you need to add in more descriptions of your characters aside your MC, because the way you've described her is great!!
Plot
The plot of this chapter is very easy-to-read and enjoyable. You also have me intrigued on this trip she's going on and this unknown boy.
To improve this chapter, you need to work more on descriptions and it making sense. As I read this I pointed out questions that cropped up when I read it, where I think you need to add more description and where you've confused me, which should help you know whereabouts you need to work more on.
I hope you didn't find this too harsh, because I really did enjoy this chapter, honestly, and with a bit more work on it it could be even more amazing!!
I hope this helped you. And if you have any question on my critique, or just want to chat, don't hesitate to PM me, I'm always happy to help
PM me when you post more, I can't wait for the next chapter!!
--Lucyy xx
I really liked this description and the similes you used
If this is a thought, I would put it in italics to show it.
It had it's ups. But overall you should work on it. I was really confused for most of the story.
Once is enough? If he's her dream boy and he's cute and all why wouldn't she want to see him again?
This didn't make much sense? Why is she writing to her dad? Is he dead? Moved away?
This isn't bad by any means, there were no major spelling or grammar errors which is good. However, it did read a little choppy to me. It was like I'm doing this and now I'm going to do this and this is what happened next. (Not that bad, but you get what I'm saying
Keep up the good work!
-Carly
Okay, I like this, but I"m also a tad bit confused. I think that you rushed a little bit. And her Dad? Was her mom and dad divorced or something? Maybe you could explain a little more in this or the next chapter. But I do Like it. Really. Keep writing
_Writing for love is a passion_