No Title... A Work in Progress

CJeanene13 wrote:I seesawed through unconsciousness. My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing coming through my lungs. The car had hit me with such force, I was sure I had broken every single bone a human body could ever possess. ((I'm not sure if possess is the best word to use here. 'have' sounds to plain though, I don't know))

The darkness in my head enveloped ((oooh! good word! )) me again, the pain returning so hard, my mind screamed in anguish. It wasn't only the physical pain that hurt me, it was the stabbing emotional pain that tore at my heart. I was in agony, I lost him. I had to have lost him.

Heyy there, here I am for the promised review ... (:

My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing [s]coming[/s] passing through my lungs

I was in agony, I lost him. I had to have lost him.

than every before

a bitter-sweet sound

dark sea of pain and hurt

sister in law’s house

It would be the second time I had seen him, but I didn’t know I would end up here, floating in dark pain.

CJeanene13 wrote:Prologue:

I seesawed through unconsciousness. My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing coming through my lungs.

The darkness in my head enveloped me again, the pain returning so hard, my mind screamed in anguish. But it wasn't only the physical pain that hurt me, it was the stabbing emotional pain that tore at my heart. I was in agony, I lost him. Don't start the sentence with but. Take out the but and Just start with It. I had to have lost him. Lost who? And how did you lose him?

The pain flared again, this time worse than every before, and I knew for sure that I had screamed out. Where is thsi pain coming from? I thrashed, the pain worse. Then I heard a sound, a bitter-sweet sound. The sound I thought I would never hear again: his voice.

Wow i'm hooked. I can't wait for you to add more to this.

I think it's very good and well written. You are a very talented writer. Keep up the good work and let me know when you post more i'll love to read it.

Ok, only one person reviewd this so I've jumped onto it. It was quite impressive for a prologue, as stolen hearts mentioned you are a wonder ful writer. I can't actually correct anything because stolen hearts has done the majority.

I can't wait to read more.

Hello,

I seesawed through unconsciousness. My dreams were only the sharp daggers of pain and the erratic breathing coming through my lungs.--loved this very powerful beginning and got me hooked

The darkness in my head enveloped me again, the pain returning so hard, my mind screamed in anguish. But it wasn't only the physical pain that hurt me, it was the stabbing emotional pain that tore at my heart. I was in agony, I lost him. I had to have lost him.--this is sad :[

The pain flared again, this time worse than every before, and I knew for sure that I had screamed out. I thrashed, the pain worse. Then I heard a sound, a bitter-sweet sound. The sound I thought I would never hear again: his voice.--i really want you to write more!