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Young Writers Society



Falling Hard

by CJeanene13


*This is really new and I know it is terrible right now! Comments are greatly appreciated!*

I’d fallen again. Fallen a little bit too hard this time. But I it couldn’t have been all my fault. I was just so excited. He was so cute and sweet and all that I wanted. His deep blue eyes pulled you in like a whirlpool, his light brown hair was always messy, his arms were muscular and strong, and when he held me nothing in the world could ever hurt me. But he was the kind of boy that played you hard and hurt you harder. He had told me I was beautiful and amazing and that he loved me. He had loved me - or so I had thought. I felt so happy and excited that a boy finally wanted to get to know me, to be with me. But that joy and excitement turned to excruciating pain and hurt. The tears flowed faster as I realized what had happened. I cried and cried, screamed and threw the things he had given me. The worst thing had happened. He'd cheated on me - not just with some girl, but with some girl that happened to be his best friend's girlfriend.

I wiped my cheeks with the backs of my hands and tried to put on a brave face. I couldn’t let this get in the way of my life, but my stomach was in knots and my blue eyes swollen from tears. I stumbled down the hall to the only bathroom in the house. I couldn’t believe what I saw in the mirror staring back. Her face was swollen in the areas where the tears had flown most and there were dark circles under her eyes. I gasped. This could not be me! It just couldn’t. I had things to do and places to go and I looked like I just came back from the dead.

I leaned over and splashed some cold water on my red, swollen face. It felt good, I felt revived. But my face still looked terrible. I sighed, turned the water off and reached for a towel. I dabbed my face dry and once again looked into the mirror. This was as good as it was going to get today. My face scrunched up once again and I slid down the wall in the bathroom the tears coming faster and more violently than before. I had tried to so hard for him, to be the best girlfriend I could be. But I had failed. I wasn’t good enough.

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80 Reviews

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Mon Mar 02, 2009 3:38 am
Jay wrote a review...



It's very powerful-short but effective. Is this going to be the start of a longer story, or will you leave it like this? I would like seeing the situation develop, because I'm not the sort of person who likes endings like "I wasn't good enough".

Overall, a nice little piece. PM me the next time you post something!




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Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:54 pm
Pippiedooda wrote a review...



Don't worry its not terrible! There are a few mistakes but the overall writing and idea is good :) I think with a little editing you've got a great beginning here and I look forward to reading more :D

He had loved me. Or so I had thought.


I'd put had in italics and instead of a full stop put a dash.

The tears flowed harder and harder as I realized what had happened.


'Harder' doesn't seem the right word here- especially as you use it earlier. Perhaps 'thicker' but then I don't think you could repeat it as it might not sound right :?

I cried and cried, screamed and threw fits. He’d cheated on me with his best friend’s girlfriend.


I'm not that keen on 'threw fits', maybe threw things?
I think the last sentence seems a bit sudden, perhaps you could lead up to it a bit more, saying something like 'He cheated on me, a not just with anyone. He'd cheated on my with his best friends girlfriend.'

I couldn’t let this get in the way of my life. But my stomach was in knots and my blue eyes swollen from tears.


I don't like starting a sentence with 'But', maybe you could change the full stop to a dash instead.

I walked slowly and thoughtfully down the hall to the only bathroom in the house.


To me this doesn't really fit in with how upset she was acting before, instead of thoughtfully I'd think something more like sluggishly and kind of worn out from crying.

Her face was swollen her and there were dark circles under her eyes.[/quote

I think this would make more sense as 'her face was swollen here and there, with dark circles under her eyes.'

My face scrunched up once again and I slid down the wall in the bathroom the tears coming faster and more violently than before. I had tried to so hard for him, to be the best girlfriend and not to lose him.


Comma after bathroom. You don't need the to after tried and I'd change the last part a bit. Maybe 'to be the best girlfriend I could be.' would work better.

Overall comments: I think this is a good start and definitely has potential! I noticed that sometimes you used words that seemed a little out of place so I would work on replacing them. Also you connect sentences a lot with 'and' where you could rephrase them better, for instance-
I sighed and turned the water off and reached for a towel.

could miss out one of the ands by rephrasing it a little to something like this 'I sighed, turning of the water and reaching for a towel.'

Other times you sometimes leave sentences quite short where they could be connected together using the same sort of thing that I just demonstrated.

I like your storyline but I would add more description to the girls boyfriend as you only say he's 'cute' and that doesn't provide much for the reader. I think it would be better to extend upon the beginning and how he has cheated on her, how did she find out? I love how you have introduced the characters though :)

I hope you keep with this storyline, its a good beginning! Hope I've helped :D




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Fri Feb 27, 2009 9:38 pm
thedelphinater wrote a review...



Well, I'm probably not the best person to be reviewing this partially because I can't relate, but mostly because I hate romance and all that sappiness. This wasn't bad, I thought it could have been worse. It was short but sweet, to be cliche. One little thing I noticed though was that you have a lot of sentences that are very short, most of which are right next to each other. I would recommend combining some of these sentences, like changing the periods to commas. Considering I'm none too partial to romance, this wasn't bad.





You have light and peace inside you. If you let it out, you can change the world around you.
— Uncle Iroh, Avatar the Last Airbender