Young Writers Society

Hi there, late welcome to YWS, I hope you're enjoying the site so far, I'm here to review your poem!

Oh this poem starts very light but then become sad as it turns and we see that there is more going on under the surface of this person the narrator likes. I like that you use a progression of images, and then use the metaphors of falling and rope to narrate the emotions of the poem. One of the best lines is certianly "your eyes are always shining, like raindrops in the city lights" --> it's a great line because it describes their beauty physically - but also symbolically how they seem to always be a positive glimmer through life's storms. I'd love if you could do similar turns with your other metaphors - make them describe something concrete and then also metaphorical - or if you could stay on that image of the eyes/rain a bit longer because it's such a nice one.

I also think as a reader it'd be great to know the background of why this turn happens -> does the speaker have any idea of what happened to the person they loved or what caused it?

Overall, the story doesn't get resolved, but it does communicate a message of friendship through thick and thin and you have some complex metaphors in here too. Looking forward to reading more of your poetry soon.

~alliyah

Hi there, CJ6233! My name is Scarlett, and I'll be reviewing you poetry today!

I'm a little rusty, so you'll have to forgive me. Now, let's see what you've got here...

First off, you can probably separate this into stanzas, but you don't have to. Just a suggestion, as stanzas might help people read it a little easier! As for the poem itself, I like it. Now, for a little nitpicking...

Your eyes are always shining,
Like raindrops in the city lights.
And your smile is contagious,
Contagious like never ending laughter.

But I see the falter in your smile,
And the tears in your eyes fighting to come out.
I see the rope, the rope keeping you steady,
I see it getting longer and tighter.

I see it get weaker as every day passes,
Until one day, it snaps.
And you fall

Your eyes are no longer shining,
Like raindrops in the city lights.
And your smile is gone,
Gone like the laughter.

I know now that you wont smile,
As the tears in your eyes finally break free.
And you're gone

+
M

Hey there CJ6233!

Selina from DoubleRiders here to review your work! Hopefully what I have to say is helpful, I am not the greatest at catching thing that need to be fixed... here we go!

First off I would like to say that your poem was unique. My favourite line was “ like raindrops in the city lights”. For the corrections I only have two little things I noticed. The first is a grammar mistake. In line 16 you have “wont” and it should be “won’t”.
The second thing was that from lines 1-9 you are talking as if you are seeing him in the present moment getting weaker. From lines 10- 20 you start acting like he has already snapped... see the problem? Your leading us to believe we are in the present moment but then you start acting as if it was the past. I don’t know if you understand what I am trying to say, but please feel free to ask for more of a description if you don’t... sorry

Other than those two things, I have nothing really to say. I enjoyed your poem and I look forward to reading more of your work!

~ DoubleRiders~