Turn your back

by Butterfinger

Published June 10, 2011

Hey there! I needed to get this out, tell me what you think. All comments welcome!

I've opened the rusty door to my heart
Time and time again for you
Letting my guard down
Believing you had changed.
But love, you're still a liar
Painting scenes with my blood
You still find joy in my pain
Dancing over my shattered heart
Sick pleasure you need so bad to gain.
You've played my strings and pushed my buttons,
You've left me in the rain.
I've loved you as my sister
But you've only seen me as a stain.
So walk away love,
Turn your back
Lie to them, break their hearts
I'll still be here
Picking up the parts
Bolting up the door forever that you've kicked in.

Comments & reviews · 6
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Butterfinger
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Butterfinger commented Comment · Jun 11, 2011

Thank you for your comments! I'm horrible with punctuation for poetry! Thanks for the help!

vampireacademyfreak3 wrote a review Review · Jun 11, 2011

I really liked the message that you were trying to get across to your sister. Although it's good that you write your feelings down telling your sister how you feel would be nice.
Overall you did a great job! :)

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Butterfinger
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Butterfinger commented Comment · Jun 10, 2011

Thank you for your comments!

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Ignatius5453
Review
Ignatius5453 wrote a review Review · Jun 10, 2011

Well Sassykat fixed your punctuation, but you also need to fix capitalization, not every first letter in each line needs to be a capital letter, follow the punctuation. If the last line ended with a comma then don't capitalize the next line. Well done, Keep Writing!

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Sassykat
Review
Sassykat wrote a review Review · Jun 10, 2011

I've opened the rusty door to my heart
Time and time again for you comma,
Letting my guard down comma,
Believing you had changed.
But love, you're still a liar comma, (are to talking to love itself, or a person you happened to call 'love'? I guess it doesn't matter, either way you will want a comma after 'but'.)
Painting scenes with my blood period.
You still find joy in my pain comma,
Dancing over my shattered heart period.
Sick pleasure you need to gain. This rhyme is really forced. I would suggest wording it differently. Something like this: "My own torment is your own gain."
You've played my strings and pushed my buttons.
You've left me in the rain.
I've loved you as my sister comma,
But you've only seen me as a stain.
So walk away love,
Turn your back period.
Lie to them, break their hearts period.
I'll still be here comma,
Picking up the parts comma,
Bolting up the door forever that you've kicked in. I'm not sure that the 'forever' is necessary here.


You have a really good poem here. You just had a few grammatical errors, but other than that you did awesomely. However, I would like you to specify somewhere what the relationship between the narrator and whoever they are talking to is. Are they sisters? Is it a boy talking to a girl, or vice versa? In a poem like this, something like that is very important.

Fanspastic job, I really liked this!



Life is like a bag of potatoes, it starts out rough, but can turn into something beautiful (and yummy).
— Ley