Young Writers Society

Hey there!

I definitely agree with the other reviewers in that this has potential but it just needs to be fleshed out a little more.

I want to know more about their relationship. When did it start to turn sour? Why was he suddenly 'greedy with lust'? How long has the abuse been going on? And, like Tenyo said, how long has the gun been there? It's not like she picked it up on impulse. I want to know how long she's had it hidden there. Where she got it from. I want to know what made here decide that enough was enough.

I'd like to see more or her thought process too. The scene where she goes to the bathroom could be expanded on for example. Have her take a deep breath. Revel in the adrenaline that's pumping round her body. Imagine what it's going to be like to be free of him. They're only suggestions, but it'll help to show more of her personality to the reader. At the moment she's just a woman who's decided she wants out of a horrid relationship.

I want more on how she feels when she shoots him too. We know she feels free, but what else. Can she finally be happy again? What does she want from life now? You don't have to add in huge info-dump style paragraphs, but you could always add in some more of her thoughts and feelings.

This plot has been done before, but by having the woman suddenly strong it does make it a little more original.

With a little work, this really could be great

I hope this helps!

xDudettex

Thanks for all your comments! I've learned a lot! Where would be the fun if we all got along?! Haha! I'm sorry for being defensive, you've all brought a new light to this and I do appreciate it!

Let me just say at first, we're all writers here on this site, and we don't need to be jabbing each other. I understand the title is a little irritating to some, but we don't need to be talking about how we want to set people on fire, or make posts about how stupid the title is without even reading the rest. That's a little over the line. We all could shape up a little bit, but there's nothing wrong with wanting reviews, or wanting a title that's not in your face. Can't we agree to coexist peacefully? Please?

Anyways, the review...
I think that overall, this is a very dramatic and powerful piece here. I would recommend fleshing out the characters with personalities a bit more, like has been said, and also I would go back over the story and check word choice. I notice at one point, you use the word 'book' twice in one sentence. It's a little redundant, and it sounds awkward. So maybe fix that up a bit, just a suggestion.

At the end, I think it would be much more effective and powerful if you took out the last sentence and just ended on that one word. It's a better poetic summation, in my opinion. (:

Anyway, I think this is a really interesting scenario to a tired-and-true concept. Keep revising it and working on it, and it'll be good. Also, maybe reconsider the titles of your future posts, and be eloquent when you respond to people. Whatever they say, you should at least be polite. And reviewers here, if you don't like the title, just say so. We don't need to be making arson threats, or just posting to complain. Your opinions are respected and welcome, but I'd like for everyone to be eloquent and get along here. Whadda y'all say? Bygones? Can we all be friends?

Okay, I'm going to have to agree with Ego on this being rather two-demnsional. It really does need more to it. Your characters weren't very well developed and we don't know much about their past except he became abusive. This line made me stop because you didn't have anything that backed it up:

As I stared into the mirror,I saw a girl from the street in tattered sweats

Tenyo! Thank you for your comments! It's nice to hear what you have to say! I appreciate it! Your questions help when thinking about how to further this.

Dramallama: I wouldn't what? I feel like you just keep posting to pick a fight.

you would not! I might have checked it out, if it hadn't said that. Which it did. I still haven't read it.

Hey there Butterfinger!

This is an interesting piece, and I agree that it has much potential. The whole scene is well thought up and you've done well getting into your protragonists head.

Things I liked; the way your character seems to want to protect her book more than herself, it shows how desperately she clings to her refuge. I also liked the reference to Edgar Allen Poe, simply mentioning his name tends to give the whole piece a very dark overtone. The fact that this woman takes refuge in his poems makes her a very interesting character.

Ways to improve: I think what you could really do with for this piece is to flesh it out a lot more. You've got the skeleton, you just need the substance. For example, explain this woman's thoughts more. How long has the gun been there, and has she intended to use it? Why choose tonight?
Also, the piece has great potential for tension which you seem to have included naturally, but you just need to drag it out a bit more. Maybe include a little more interaction between the characters, or spend some time describing things- what does the world look like to a woman about to shoot her lover? And what does it look like once she has actually commited the act?

Apart from buffing it out a bit the only major thing that I think needs changing is this guys sudden switch in emotion. He's angry, and suddenly she hugs him and he's flirty. Surely he would be suspicious of her behavior, or at least, if he is angry he wouldn't let her walk away in case she locked herself in the bedroom or phoned the police or something. That's where you could add more interaction to get from A to B, or take advantage of this guy being slightly psychotic and combine his angry and flirtatious urges.

Overall this is a great start. It's not perfect, but I've no doubt that if you spend a little more time letting it grow then this will be a great piece. Keep it up

Ok, I'm not demanding anyone to do anything. I was simply trying to get some feedback, because otherwise it would just get passed by. I know this piece for sure needs work, or other wise I wouldn't have posted it all at. It's not fun to see the first post saying that it has no depth, and it's so wrong in so many ways. Constructive critique is what I was looking for. Oh, and thanks for posting just to say my title is annoying, go ahead and earn some points by being annoying yourself. Thanks for your comments!

let me just say that saying CALLING ALL CRITIQUES is really annoying. I didn't even read the post

...I think you missed the point entirely.

1) I'm not attacking you. I'm saying your piece needs work, because you aren't working with characters, but archetypes. You have a very bad man and you have a battered woman. You need to add depth to them to make us care about either of them.
2) Demanding that we review in all caps is obnoxious. The title of your story is fitting and works well. I do not have anger issues, though I appreciate your obviously well-informed diagnosis.

Wow, thanks for the comments so far. I don't see how this could make anyone want to set me on fire, but I guess some people just have anger issues. It feels like I'm being attacked because I wrote about a man being the abusive type. Typical response I guess. Can't wait to hear more!

Before I even start: Your thread titles makes me want to set you on fire. It's obnoxious.

The piece itself is interesting, if two dimensional. Battered woman kills the man that beats her because it's the only way out. It's been done. The character is literally nothing but a battered woman (who likes to read Edgar Allen Poe). The abuser is literally just a terrible, terrible person. there's only one phrse throughout the entire piece that makes it seem like he may have been something more at some point:

his man I had loved, given my whole self for, had changed into a monster, greedy for lust.

Brilliant. 'Nuff said.

(I'm sorry I couldn't actually review this)