Not sure what to call this

by Butterfinger

Published July 2, 2011

Ok- I just wrote this...... No sure what I think about it yet so feel free to give all the comments you can offer!!!!

Yesterday there was no happiness
Yesterday there was no glee
Yesterday I was just a space filler
But yesterday I found the real me.

Today I smile at the sun
Soaking in its rays of warmth
Today I whisper at the wind
Today I've found myself again.

The darkness has been burnt by light
The beast will never win
So today I'll raise my voice with praise
And steer away from sin.

Comments & reviews · 7
User avatar
SubjectBlue
Review
SubjectBlue wrote a review Review · Aug 28, 2011

Yesterday there was no happiness,
Yesterday there was no glee,(a fan? :b)
Yesterday I was just a space filler,
But yesterday I found the real me.

Today I smile at the sun,
Soaking in its rays of warmth.
Today I whisper at the wind,
Today I've found myself again.

The darkness has been burnt by light-
The beast will never win;
So today I'll raise my voice with praise,
And steer away from sin.

It was kinda simple really, I can't say it was very special or touching, but it was nice.
Keep writing,
SubjectBlue.

User avatar
Cailey
Review
Cailey wrote a review Review · Aug 28, 2011

This is really good, but I'd say it could use some work. First off, you should read it out loud a few times, there are places when the flow gets interrupted. Second, I would maybe make every line in the second stanza start with today, you have one that doesn't. And, I like the last stanza, but was really hoping it would be about tomorrow. It just seemed like that is what your poem was aiming for. What if you had two stanzas for each, past, present, future? I think expanding this would be a good idea. Anyway, I hope I was helpful, please keep writing, you have lots of talent. So, write!

User avatar
June3
Comment
June3 commented Comment · Jul 13, 2011

I really liked it. It was short and sweet and still managed to have some beauty. Keep on writing!

User avatar
Canine Comment
Canine commented Comment · Jul 2, 2011

I think it's great. You delivered the message very clearly in simple stanzas, I like it.
maybe you could call it Daylight? :p

User avatar
Shakyll
Review
Shakyll wrote a review Review · Jul 2, 2011

OHMYWORD.
I like it. :]
My favorite part would be "The darkness has been burnt by light
The beast will never win"
But, maybe you could use a different word than "praise." Such as extol, honor, reverence...et cetera.
It's good. :] keep writing.

User avatar
TaylaChase
Review
TaylaChase wrote a review Review · Jul 2, 2011

Wow, I really like this! :D I think you did a great job on it!

Yesterday there was no happiness
Yesterday there was no glee
Yesterday I was just a space filler
But yesterday I found the real me. [I really like this :D]

Today I smile at the sun
Soaking in its rays of warmth
Today I whisper at the wind
Today I've found myself again.

The darkness has been burnt by light [I love the imagery in this line. It's great!]
The beast will never win [I like the line itself, but it seems to interrupt the flow of the poem. Maybe you could rephrase it a bit differently so it flows smoother?]
So today I'll raise my voice with praise
And steer away from sin.[I usually hate it when lines are started with 'And' but since this is like the continuation of the last line it sounds fine. I also like the ending, but it seemed just a tad abrupt to me.]


So, I really don't have much to say that could help you, but I really like it. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
~Tayla



If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain