Published July 2, 2011
Ok- I just wrote this...... No sure what I think about it yet so feel free to give all the comments you can offer!!!!
Yesterday there was no happiness
Yesterday there was no glee
Yesterday I was just a space filler
But yesterday I found the real me.
Today I smile at the sun
Soaking in its rays of warmth
Today I whisper at the wind
Today I've found myself again.
The darkness has been burnt by light
The beast will never win
So today I'll raise my voice with praise
And steer away from sin.
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Yesterday there was no happiness,
Yesterday there was no glee,(a fan? :b)
Yesterday I was just a space filler,
But yesterday I found the real me.
Today I smile at the sun,
Soaking in its rays of warmth.
Today I whisper at the wind,
Today I've found myself again.
The darkness has been burnt by light-
The beast will never win;
So today I'll raise my voice with praise,
And steer away from sin.
It was kinda simple really, I can't say it was very special or touching, but it was nice.
Keep writing,
SubjectBlue.
This is really good, but I'd say it could use some work. First off, you should read it out loud a few times, there are places when the flow gets interrupted. Second, I would maybe make every line in the second stanza start with today, you have one that doesn't. And, I like the last stanza, but was really hoping it would be about tomorrow. It just seemed like that is what your poem was aiming for. What if you had two stanzas for each, past, present, future? I think expanding this would be a good idea. Anyway, I hope I was helpful, please keep writing, you have lots of talent. So, write!
I really liked it. It was short and sweet and still managed to have some beauty. Keep on writing!
I think it's great. You delivered the message very clearly in simple stanzas, I like it.
maybe you could call it Daylight? :p
OHMYWORD.
I like it. :]
My favorite part would be "The darkness has been burnt by light
The beast will never win"
But, maybe you could use a different word than "praise." Such as extol, honor, reverence...et cetera.
It's good. :] keep writing.
Wow, I really like this!
I think you did a great job on it!
So, I really don't have much to say that could help you, but I really like it. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
~Tayla