Jakil

I... am a nitpicker. Just thought I should let you know before we begin.


I only found a few mistakes, all grammatical. They were very minor, yet they bothered me, just because I am a nitpicker. Anyway, here they are.

We have no choice Elaine!

... choice Elaine!

We have no choice, Elaine!

“Queen Romilda, my apologies for being late, we were held up.”

"Queen Romilda, my apologies for being late. We were held up."

The shackles appeared on her wrists and ankles and my heart broke into

At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figure is female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

“Elaine! Elaine! Are you ok?!”

Hey Butter! I finally got internet, so now I'm back! =] Anyway, here as requested. I really loved this piece, I only saw a few little things here and there, but the only one that I can remember is in the first paragraph, you used the word attempt twice in the same sentence I believe. I usually don't have a taste for this kind of writing, but I think you definitely pulled it off well and I wasn't bored for a second =]. It was a quickened pace with a descent plot. Keep it up =]

Thanks for the review request. Hope this helps

“I’m not going! You can’t make me!” Elaine’s protests echoed in the tiny room we were ushered into the day before. My younger sister was attempting to bury herself in a small pile of ragged clothing in an attempt to escape the appointment we were expected to attend any minute now.

It was said that the immortal Queen Romilda herself was to hold the meeting that was a yearly occurrence to find the next apprentice.

Young girls were dragged from their homes and escorted to the castle, each to their own quarters which consisted of a small mound of straw to sleep on and a semi descent gown to be presented in if necessary.

This year I was chosen, along with my ten year old sister, myself only fifteen years of age.

The meeting was due to start [any minute now], but Elaine refused to go, fearful for our fate.

“We must go! We have no choice Elaine! Please! I’ll be there right beside you and we’ll make it through this, I promise!” The sorrow in Elaine’s eyes was combined with utter fear, but she held my gaze and stilled, pondering my words.

“Jakil, you know the story, only one can make it! Only one! I can’t even imagine the fate of the rest of us...” Her voice trailed off as her chin started to quiver.

“Elaine, listen to me! I will not let anything happen to you! Just remember what I told you, extend only your left hand. Only your left! Remember [that] and you’ll be ok.” The words that tumbled out of my mouth were partly for my own reassurance, but a spark of hope lit her eyes and we both stood up, straightening our gowns.

Holding my chin high, I grabbed Elaine’s hand and wiped a daring tear away before it could betray me. I have to be strong for her, I thought as we marched down the hall to our uncertain fate.

As we approached the great wooden doors [to the chamber], the two guards on the sides heaved them open and we stepped inside. The air was still, not a sound to break the silence. In the middle of the room is a giant round table with short backed chairs, each with a young girl sitting in them.

Some were dressed beautifully, others like us in rags, and more in between. But their faces all held the same look. Fear, distress, utterly frozen with their eyes jetting from side to side. As we took our seats, I noticed [that] one seat was empty and most of the girl’s eyes were trained on the floor to the side.

I scooted to the side and peered down at the body of a young girl, limp with her limbs stretched out, her head twisted to the side, eyes wide open. There was a glassy look in them and I assumed she was from a different land, having heard of [such a] rare eye color.

At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figure is female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

“Shimka, daughter of a nobody, you will spend the rest of your days as a slave in this place.”
Having spoken these words, shackles formed around Shimka’s wrists, and as she struggled to get loose, the Queen let her go to fall to the ground in silence.

Here as requested!

For starters, I didn't like the paragraphs. Doesn't hurt the story, just sort of weird to me. The name Jakil sounds like a man's name. Didn't like that. I also felt it moved a little too fast.

At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figure is female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

my heart broke into

Hahaha, I approve of your dreams!

Okay, so this is bizarre and weird and I kind of adore it. Someone I knew once said that the weirdest stories that you can never rewrite properly are dreams, and I think this is certainly true with your story, which makes me a little hesitant to critique it in the first place. Still, because you asked...

The main thing I think you can do is describe the queen a little bit more and why everyone is so afraid of her. I mean, obviously halfway through the story, we get an idea of why this is the case (dead little girls, etc.) but her motive seems a little bit strange at the moment and if you can explain this even a tiny bit, then I think this story would be improved overall.

Still, I really do like this story. It sparkles of originality and it's so strange that it holds in your mind. So, it's really neat! The main thing I think you can do is just to explain some of the parts of the dream that you would know automatically, but that we might not first get.

You ought to proof-read your work more carefully because it's a shame that so many mistakes should ruin this piece. There's a good plot going on here and some interesting ideas, but it's sloppy. My initial suggestions:

“I’m not going! You can’t make me!” [I think you could have a stronger opening line. Generally I advise people to only start with dialogue if it is powerful or out of the ordinary, otherwise you're better off with description or tone. Your first sentence is important. It needs to be good, the sort of first sentence that you can be proud of. Pretend that your reader will choose to read your story based on your first sentence (and some might) and then write it again.] Elaine’s protests echoed in the tiny room we were ushered into the day before. [Do we need to know they were ushered into it the day before? No, not just yet. Stick to interesting and exciting information at first and give us the boring bits when we need to know them, or at least not in the first paragraph.] My younger sister was attempting to bury herself in a small pile of ragged clothing in an attempt to escape the appointment we were expected to attend any minute now. [You're telling us too much. Instead of telling us there is an appointment coming up, show us. Show us their nerved and their expectancy. It's much more interesting.]

It was said that the immortal Queen Romilda herself was to hold the meeting that was a yearly occurrence to find the next apprentice. Young girls were dragged from their homes and escorted to the castle, each to their own quarters which consisted of a small mound of straw to sleep on and a semi descent gown to be presented in if necessary. [Again, don't tell us this. You're ruining any surprise or fun we might get later. If theis scene is going to be you telling us how exciting the next scene will be then just scrap it and move on to the scene that will actually interest the reader.]

Your section of dialogue between the girls is much better. Maybe start there. But maybe start during the meeting.

As we approached the great wooden doors, the two guards on the sides heaved them open and we stepped inside. The air was still, not a sound to break the silence. In the middle of the room is was a giant, round table with short backed chairs, each with a young girl sitting in them.

At once, the girl’s heads turned to the side and I felt a weight come down on my shoulders. We have had missed the instructions because we were late. Fear surged through my veins as I gripped Elaine’s hand tighter, staring at the figure ahead. The figureis was [You seriously need to watch those tenses.] female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back is was stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

“Is this right my Queen?” The words seemed to pop right out of her mouth, and the realization of her mistake hadn’t yet registered. The frail lips of Queen Romilda’s mouth curved slightly upward as she grasped the girl's right hand and led her to the front of the room.

Fear emanated through the room, bringing sweat between Elaine’s hand and my own. I gave it a squeeze, dreading to let go. As if a thought reader, the Queen slowly turned her gaze in my direction, moving one step and at a time. Her figure [You've used this word to envelope her before. Choose another. Maybe some more description.] was the center of my vision, which caused my thoughts to scramble. I forced myself to get a grip on it as she stopped a few feet from me, extending her hand. Knowing what was expected, I stretched out my left hand, letting her grasp it while bowing my head.

“Elaine! Elaine! Are you okay?!” As I grasped her tear stained face in my hands, I saw the work of the Queen.

The Queen had taken the sight from my sister’s eyes, leaving them glassy white. Elaine reached out to me and buried her face in my gown, trembling with fear. She was always afraid of the dark, now it would be her life forever. The shackles appeared on her wrists and ankles and my heart broke into [Finish your sentence ^^]. My sisteris was a blind slave, and I the new apprentice to the horrible Queen Romilda.

Behind me, the disfigured slaves were lighting torches, then igniting the hair of the other girls. They were still in the trance, not knowing they were being lit on fire, their beauty being erased forever. They were destined to live as slaves. There were no screams, no pleas for help. Only the smell of burning hair and flesh, and the quivering form of my sister in my arms. Our fates are were mixed together, yet purged apart.

Alright then so I did like this and I think it has great potential but it's going to take some cleaning up. You need to throw in more description, interesting ones and ones that included senses other than just sight. Think of sound, taste, touch and smell as well. You need them all if you're going to build an atmosphere that will hold your reader's attention.

Your characters are good. The Main one not so much but Elaine is loveable enough to capture most people's hearts and Romilda interesting enough to have them thinking so nice work there. When you get into your story, it flows pretty well. but that introduction really does need cleaning up.

I'll leave it there for now but if you have any questions, feel free to drop me a pm. Thanks for the read, I've enjoyed it despite my reservations at the beginning. All the best,

Heather xxx

Hey, Butterfinger. Here as requested. Now there were a number of things I really liked about this piece. I mean for one it had an angle to it. It wasn't just a pointless scene to me. Which at first, I have to say, is what I was fearing it was going to turn out to be.

Throughout the story I really appreciated the clarity that was present. Your writing was smooth and very easy to understand. So kudos! Along with your clear writing though, you had very lucid thoughts and emotions. The writing seemed organized and had its direction. Which as I read, I could understand and take easy notice to.

Your dialogue was great I thought. It seemed pretty natural, which I always like to pay attention to as I'm reading any story with dialogue included. On thing that wasn't so clear though I have to say, was the precise setting of the story. I had clues and enough hints, but it seemed as though it could have been a little more clearly detailed.

Also not as clear -more so in the beginning I suppose- was the thought as to what the selection of girls was for; but this was only really until toward the middle and the end where you made it more obvious and clear. I was think it should have probably been more emphasized, but this thought changed as I took awareness to the subtlety of it all.

Onto nitpicks! My corrections and small comments will be in red. Larger thoughts will simply be written beneath the quote. So here we go.

This year I was chosen, along with my ten year old sister(;) myself only fifteen years of age.

(I have to be strong for her), I thought (You may want to italicise the thought. It's simply a suggestion on my part. But usually it make things a lot clearer for the reader.)

In the middle of the room was a giant round table (You want to keep the tense of the writing smooth and consistent the whole way through. Was sounds more fitting than is right here.)

each with a young girl sitting in them. (This last part to the sentence might sound better as "seated at them" or seated in them)

We had missed the instructions because we were late. (Again, this part here would sound better with the alternate tense.)

The figure was female with long grey hair, topped by a silver crown. Her back was stooped, and her face wrinkled with unimaginable time.

the Queen slowly turned her gaze in my direction, moving one step at a time.

Relief flooded my body as I watched them move to the front, (You had the wrong word here. )

“I am Elaine, also a peasant. I wish to know if she can live.” Elaine pointed to the girl on the floor we’d first seen upon coming in. Her eyes were filled with sorrow at the thought of the other girl cold and dead on the stone floor. My own eyes were trained on the Queen, waiting for her reaction, dreading the worst.

She was always afraid of the dark, now it would be her life forever.

The shackles appeared on her wrists and ankles and my heart broke in two. My sister was a blind slave, and I the new apprentice to the horrible Queen Romilda.

I'm soooo excited for all the wonderful reviews I've gotten so far! Thanks all you guys!

I just wish for the number of views I'd have as many reviews!

This was slightly creepy (o.O), but extremely well written. It sounds like something from a published novel. By the way, I love that name - Jakil.
Keep writing.
-Dai

AHHHH!!! Blah!!! That was.... um.....

Like sassykat, I saw nothing to critique. Well done!

Keep writing,
~FW~

*shivers* You dreamed this? What kind of books do you read right before you sleep? I didn't see anything to critique, so I'll just let you know that I want to see more of this story. You don't have to dream it, just tell me more! What happens to Jakil and Elaine? Novel it if you have to! You have left us all HaNgInG!1!

Love love love it.