Published June 21, 2011
This poem has a lot of history behind it. I appreciate any and all critique you have to offer!
Where you've walked, I've crawled
Where you've stood, I've stooped
Where you've laughed, I've only whispered
And when you cried, I was always there.
When you yelled, I cringed
When you charged, I crumbled
When you glared, I melted
When you imagined, I was invisible.
Now you're gone, so I can stand
Walked away, so I can shine
You've blocked the sun, so many days
Now I'll reach, and spread my wings.
In the path of your desertion,
In the scars you've left behind
I can search for my horizon
And chase it all my days.
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Oh wait, one more thing. The title doesn't really fit. I thought something happened to the other person or object, and you just got that benefit givin to you. Unless I interpreted it wrong I don;t think you made any action of braking free from the overpowering thing. But, anyway, keep it if you want. And just noticed I really like how the first two stanzas are negetive and the second two are positive.
-Cammie
ps. Sorry about your poem underneath. It put it there and I don't know why. Hopefully it doesn't bother you.
Where you've walked, I've crawledWhere you've stood, I've stoopedWhere you've laughed, I've only whisperedAnd when you cried, I was always there.When you yelled, I cringedWhen you charged, I crumbledWhen you glared, I meltedWhen you imagined, I was invisible. Now you're gone, so I can standWalked away, so I can shineYou've blocked the sun, so many daysNow I'll reach, and spread my wings.In the path of your desertion,In the scars you've left behindI can search for my horizonAnd chase it all my days.
First of all, sorry to say I had absolutly no idea what you were talking about. I'm probably just clueless but maybe you could put some more details for the clueless people like me. I loved the flow and rythme of the whole thing, but I do think you could have been more consistent. The first two stanzas were great. Starting with the wheres, then the whens, but then you got weird. What happened to the starting format? It kind of dissolved into a regular poem. Maybe you did that intentionally, but I just personally didn't like that. Oh, and I love your avatar. Bye and I really hope this was helpful!
-Cammie
Where you've walked, I've crawledWhere you've stood, I've stoopedWhere you've laughed, I've only whisperedAnd when you cried, I was always there.When you yelled, I cringedWhen you charged, I crumbledWhen you glared, I meltedWhen you imagined, I was invisible. Now you're gone, so I can standWalked away, so I can shineYou've blocked the sun, so many daysNow I'll reach, and spread my wings.In the path of your desertion,In the scars you've left behindI can search for my horizonAnd chase it all my days.
I really liked your poem and could feel the emotion behind it. Good job, I couldn't find anything wrong with it. : )
I liked this poem from the title to the very last sentence because i can relate to what the persona was going through.
Though i have to say that my favourite part of this poem would be the last two sentences of the last stanza it gave me a feeling of hope of what is to come.As a fellow writer i can see that you pull a reader into your poem almost immediately and hold their attention through out which is a great skill as a writer but i think for those who may not be able to relate or feel the situation that the persona was in ,may not be able to fully appreciate the last two sentences of the ending stanza.
I hope this helps
I'll be looking out for more of your work.
First things, I really liked your title, it made me want to read this poem. I think the poem is amazing! I love it. Not much else to say about it, just keep up the good work.
Hey butters! Firstly, I liked that little 'you'll have to read it' note. Haha =]. But wow! The first two stanzas really got my attention, the first one was definitely my favorite of the two, it was just so dramatic that it really pulled me in. The second stanza, though it was great, it seemed a liiittle forced. Other than that I thought it flowed pretty well. Another thing you might want to look at is the rhythm on the last stanza. That one had me a bit iffy. But other than that its a wonderful poem =]]]]
I have to say that that was pretty dam good. Not much to say was bad. SO just keep writing!
Hello there butterfinger
This was my favourite part. The last line especially, in relation to the line before, really says a lot. I can interpret it in many ways and I like that.First of all, I've been there too; I still am!
I really like the concept of your poem. It's very light (and written as so) but yet I can still feel that depth and emotion you put into it.
The only problem I'd say I had with this poem, is how you concluded it. I mean here you are and you've been suppressed by something. The way I see it, that topic of living behind someone's shadow shouldn't be given the same attention as when you express your freedom. Phew! okay let me rephrase that properly
I don't know if what I'm thinking is expressed in this review, hehe, but I hope I could help.
Keep writing and good luck!
I can't say much to help improve, I think it's awesome just how it is!! I'm glad that you put the intro line, so we know what's going on here. But I think you meant 'thick and thin', not 'think and thin'.
I really liked the last verse,it finished on a feeling of hope a new things to come. Overall, the poem was smooth and put together well, I liked the flow and feel to it. This really conveys your feelings and emotion on the subject. Great job!
<..> Kat