Please review, and tell me how I can improve this....enjoy!
It happened again.
I woke up in a hot sweat that drenched my body, plastering my hair to my head. The dream.
Every time it’s always the same, except this time it seemed more real. I see myself walking in a garden lush with roses, reds, yellows, pinks, all vibrant colors that scream to be noticed.
My body is wrapped in a fine silk blue dress that hugs my curves, flowing to the earth in ripples as I walk down the path. The sleeves stop at my elbows with white gloves to meet them. My feet are bare so the cold stone feels somewhat chilly to walk upon, and I always get the feeling I’m not supposed to be here.
As I get to the end of the path, there is a slow moving river that shines in the moon light, illuminating a small wooden boat just on the shore. My heart races at this point, but so does my fear as I realize that I’m not in control of my feet. I don’t want to get in it anymore. I want to run back.
The water runs faster and the river grows wider as I’m forced by some unearthly power into the device to lay flat while my hands cross over my chest. To my horror, they’re clutching a bouquet of roses from the garden with ghost white knuckles. I don’t remember seeing white roses, but they’re slowly turning red, for the thorns have pierced my hands deep and butchered the tender skin that now brings bile up my throat.
My mind runs wild when these lips I once controlled refuses to open and relieve me on the awful substance. I feel the rushing water carry me away, lapping at my back. As my body sinks to this watery grave, convulsing in struggles of a body unworthy of air, I see one face and one face only that haunts me till this day. Those sad grey eyes of an old woman from long ago seem to strangle me with words from the past…
“You killed her! You killed her to save yourself! You’ll never be a daughter of mine! Never!”
Then blackness and I wake up in the loft.
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Great work! You've explained the expressions and mind of your character very well though there are some errors that I will try to help you find out.
Here it goes, my suggestions are in bold:
You should use a comma over here like this, "Every time, it's always the same".
Be careful with the tense use it like this, "I saw myself walking in a garden, lushed with roses"
Again, "My body was wrapped in a fine silk blue dress"
Just like this at many other places you've mistaken the tenses, you should reread your story and then I think you will be able to point them our yourself and that way from next time you won't make that mistakes again.
If you need any help with it just let me know about that, I will try to find some time to help you.
I really enjoyed this story, regardless of how capricious it is. Sometimes I prefer stories which end abruptly, it creates a vivid sense of depth for your stories meaning. This only really works with stories which are heavy with intelligent metaphors such as yours, and it innervates me to reread your paragraphs more closely and search for an obscure yet beautiful meaning.
Don't be dismayed by those who can't fully appreciate work unless it is structured or completed in a particular way.
sorry about the ey're bit up top somthing went wrong
It was a really good story and ended on a good cliff hanger well done
Rebel x
like smanda14 said it is very hard to say where this is going and it feels as if it is only an introduction and I would like to see a more. I would also like to say that it is a very vivid picture in my mind so thank you for the description.
Really liked your story.
Wondering where you are going with it,
One thing i noted is watch your tenses hard i know, it’s easy to miss after you have read something over and over again.
your writing definitely stood out, give us more