Published April 23, 2011
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139,454 Literary Works • 672,565 Reviews
Thanx guys. I just came up with it when i was out on a holiday. It's not based on the movie at all, though I have seen it too...found it very disturbing haha. I guess i made it about two twins that are cursed and the only thing to break the spell is one man...one they can't find. He's seen what they've done whilst trying to find him and what has become of the other men, so he's steering clear of them both. I do agree it is a very random poem, one of many random ones. I'll see if i can improve on it
thanx again guys
I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT
i can sense the flow. i can't see there is a need to fix anything.!
Keep up and update us with more!
Hi!
This was an interesting piece to read; did you base it off of Black Swan, by any chance? Love that movie. Anyway, you seem to have pretty solid ideas here and you know how to tell a story. This is good for a first attempt, and I salute you for taking the courage and going outside of your comfort zone - something that I really need to do.
That being said, this poem was really hard to follow, and I had to read it through multiple times to try and understand fully what you were saying here. One of the big things that contributes to this is your rhyme scheme -- it's inconsistent, and it really jumbles things around. You may find it easier to be more expressive and rich in detail if you write in free verse, but if you want to challenge yourself by making it rhyme, that's fine, just make sure you have a consistent idea of how you want it to rhyme. Would it be ABAB (every other line rhymed) AABB (every lined rhymed) or something like a sonnet where you have ABAB for the first four stanzas and then AA for the last?
Once you've decided what you want to do, I would focus on the basic image that you want to portray. Is the idea of a swan literal, or a metaphor? I also wasn't quite sure if the twin-thing was based in two sides of one person or in two people. If it is the former, how does each persona balance itself out?
I don't really have much more to say -- when revising, I suggest that you take a look at this board. There are a lot of helpful tips/articles on how to write poetry and really make it polish and shine.
Please keep writing, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. ^^
~ Elinor