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140,948 Literary Works • 673,779 Reviews
Thanks guys for the advise. I did make a lot of mistakes, more than i expected . . . but i guess everyone needs a starting point. I'll try and learn how to brush up on comma using and when to use more/less description. Thanks again.
Most of the time you should spell out numbers, so 15 should be fifteen.
The comma after ground isn't needed.
Breathed doesn't need to be capitalized.
The quotation mark after escape should be outside the comma. You also do not need a comma if a question mark is inside the quotation mark.
Use italics when the narrator is thinking, instead of dashes. When you do this, all you need are commas after indeed and a period after bitterly.
When someone is talking, use quotations marks (with commas inside them when necessary), instead of dashes. Never use a exclamation mark and question mark together. You do not need them both, so pick one or the other. The exclamation mark at the end of the sentence is also not needed.
Capitalize the I.
This part takes the reader out of the story. You haven't said anything about where he was standing until this moment. Try to explain exactly where he is before now. It will make this part of the story smoother.
Again, use quotation marks instead of dashes. This part also doesn't make sense. Why was he standing there wishing he could die a moment ago, when now he wants to live?
The dash at the beginning isn't needed.
Capitalize pieces.
Use quotation marks.
This part is confusing. Exactly what is happening here?
The comma after link and barely isn't needed.
Overall, this story is okay. It is an interesting idea, and one that could easily be expanded upon.
Unfortunately, it is hard to understand what is happening at the end. Is there really a person and a whirlwind? Is the man crazy?
The lack of description, especially towards the setting, makes parts of the story very difficult to understand. Although too much description is bad, there are sections where you do need to add description. This link would probably help:
post510921.html?hilit=description#p510921
Also, please make sure you understand how and where to use quotation marks. This link would probably help you:
http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp
'The Suicidest'....strange title, never heard anything like it. I'm guessing there is a reason though. ^^
-This sentence sounds...out of place. I don't know, it just does...for me, anyway. The word 'breathing' is capitalized too.
-Is there a reason why you aren't using quotation marks for your dialogue? I was just wondering, because I've never seen that style used before.
-This sentence sounds like a mouthful. Try to keep it simple and effective - no need for you to add on words to get the point across.
You could have a comma in between 'me' and 'leaving' so it wouldn't look so cluttered and so it wouldn't sound as though the speaker is saying this in one tone.
A good note: I always make it a rule for myself to note the good stuff. You did a good job of getting the speaker's feelings and thoughts across to me, so that's one thing you can definitely keep doing.
Happy writing! ^^
GRAMMAR AND SPECIFICS
"Breathed" should be "breathed"
"weeks" should have an apostrophe between the 'k' and 's', because it is possessive.
This is odd. I recommend putting this all in the quotations.
This again is odd. I would recommend the following instead: 'Indeed,' I thought bitterly. And who would...
This is a sentence fragment.
"i" should be capitalized.
Use quotations instead of the dashes.
I assume this is dialogue? Again, use quotations.
I would use "open up" instead of "open out", it just sounds odd.
Capitalize the "P".
Again, quotations.
Too long of a description in my opinion. Just focus on the outfit being black.
I think it would be better if you didn't repeat "Lost forever". Instead, just leave the story after the first one.
OVERALL
This was very descriptive! Nice job, I could just feel I was this guy. I specified some grammar above, but that's pretty much it. This was great a great piece of flash fiction!