28.07.2021
The snow sunk in slightly as the rabbit scurried across its surface. Little indents appeared where the soft paws of the bunny had been.Seconds later, the snow around it turned red. Two hunters walked up to it and one of them picked it up.
“This’ll do for tonight I reckon”
“Yep”
“Now where’s that bear you was talkin bout earlier?”
“Up ahead by the pond, lets go
I moved closer through the branches to have a better look.
They pushed through the snow, slowly making their way to the frozen lake. One of them reached into their satchel and brought out a fish covered in honey. Carefully, he placed it on the ice.
Minutes passed and nothing happened.The older of the two men called to the other one;
“You sure you did it correctly?”
“I dunno, you was the one who teached me how to-”
“Gah, let’s take a look at it.”
They came out from the rocks they were hiding behind and shuffled over to the bait. Right then, the bear strolled out from behind the trees.
The old man froze on the spot. “Don’t move” He ordered.
But it was already too late. The young man reached for his rifle and fired at the beast.
The bear roared in anger and charged at them.The old man fell on his back and played dead, while the younger one jumped to the side in an effort to avoid the huge animal charging at him, only to fail.
The bear swung at him and tore clean through the layers of clothes, skin, and flesh, killing him then and there. It then turned around and started eating the fish. It munched on it for a while before picking up the dead rabbit in its mouth and wandering off.
The old man got up, trembling. Then he saw me.
Flapping as hard as I could. I flew off, bullets coming inches away from my massive wings.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Hello, here to review!
The beginning has quite a cinematic quality to it by the way it focuses on the snow, not the body of the rabbit. I could totally envision this being the opening scene of a film. You could make the image evoke more emotion by the blood turning the footprints red. Showing how quickly the rabbit had gone from being alive and running, to dying. The blood from its body filling the space it had once travelled.
'Carefully, he placed it on the ice.
Minutes passed and nothing happened. The older of the two men called to the other one;' I think it would be better to show where they are in relation to each other and the fish at this point rather than mentioning they are being rocks later. It helps the reader follow and visualise the story as it happens, rather than having to go back and alter what they had envisioned.
It's an interesting scene, and I like how the narrator is a bird, but the story itself doesn't really have much feeling in it because it seems that the narrator doesn't really have any sort of feeling towards what they're witnessing. Also, what is the point of the story? If this is a complete piece, what is the reader supposed to get out of it? Is it about the cruelty of hunting? A story about nature fighting back?
You could make this more heartfelt by maybe adding a little bit of backstory. Maybe the hunters had been shooting at the narrator before this, making them fear for their lives. And as they're hiding out up a tree, this scene takes place. That gives the narrator a link to what is happening. It has the narrator having someone to root for (the bear.) It gives the story a bit more layers.
Hope this helps and happy writing!
Thanks alot for the review,
I will look into the issues and perhaps make an extended version of it with more of what you suggested!
It sounds like the eagle escaped the hunters. I think it’s an eagle, anyway. I also wanted to point out the date, “28/7/21”. Does this take place in the future or another world, where there is a 28th Month? I see that this teaches to be careful with what we do, especially with wildlife. Because the animals WILL fight back. It’s a good story. I enjoyed it.
I wish you an amazing day/night.
Hehe, well so here, The Date is written first, then the month and then the year, so that date actually says 28th July 2021. And it is of no actual significance to the story, its when I wrote it.
Super sorry to disillusion you like this
That%u2019s alright. It%u2019s still a good story.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This was a lovely little piece. Its very short (and not exactly sweet) but it packs a powerful little punch and it makes for a pretty enjoyable read I think. Definitely seems to also have a little more depth to it than it lets on.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh well this is quite the start. This appears to be a fairly normal setting so far as far as two hunters just being out in the woods is concerned, but that title is making me wonder if perhaps we're not being allowed to see the full picture just quite yet.
Well this is quite the intriguing moment. We have a little hitch in what seems like it was probably an otherwise well oiled plan. Although the idea that perhaps one of these two is a little newer to this than the other seems like an interesting detail. Especially with one having taught the other. It seems like the sort of thing that would be significant.
Well here we go. Love the way this unfolds here. Its so simple and not exactly the most difficult of events to predict but it still surprises you and the way these two react really showcases quite a lot there as well. A powerful little conflict breaking out here, I have no doubt how this is going to end.
Oooh well this is quite the ending. Well it was quite obvious what would happen to the younger man but this moment was a rather intriguing little twist. I didn't see that one coming. It also almost feels like a little cliffhanger although I suspect there's not more to come here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall a pretty solid story I'd say. It leaves us off on a lovely cliffhanger too. I do wonder if just maybe you have a little more in store here. Something about this feels like its not quite done yet.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry