( IF YOU DON'T LIKE BAD WRITING AND DON'T HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR DON'T READ THIS!!!!!! I'M SICK OF ALL THE HATE COMMENTS THINKING THAT THIS IS SERIOUS!!!!!!!!)
I walk through the school hallways... No!
I run through the hallways with my books in my right hand while crashing into people, left and right. The school hallways were as packed as ever, because it was the last day...No!
...because it was friday!
By the time I packed my things and headed for the bus...No!
By the time I packed my things and went outside, the bus was already gone. "What a shame." I thought to myself as I walked back in, just to be kicked out again by the custodians...No!
I was kicked out by a bunch of bullies who chased me into an alley way and beat all of the money (I didn't have) out of me! I then had to run all the way home before they could almost kill me and I caught my breath once I got to the door. Then, all of a sudden, the bullies returned and kidnapped me!
the next thing I knew, I was in Tokyo...No!
I was in a hospital bed. "What the..?" I thought to myself.
"Oh...your awake?" said the doctor
"What happened?" I asked
"A group of angry prisoners attacked you and beat you to a pulp. Luckily they were not successful and the police arrested them."
"oh.." was all I can manage to say. Why would people do that? Oh yeah, angry prisoners.
After that was over I went back to school and...No!
I went to Japan and lived happily ever after (and then was killed by angry Japanese prisoners).
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140,079 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
QuietQuilla desu!
Okay, I really like this. The punctuation bothered me a bit; but in all it was a # star work of art.
Now, I am about to attempted to decrepit a few points in your plot, so if I may be wrong. . . sorry.
Alright, first we have the rebellious of school girl, am I right--am I right?? Then in follows into,
'"A group of angry prisoners attacked you and beat you to a pulp. Luckily they were not successful and the police arrested them."'
The main character has grown up and is still bullied--by criminals now . . .?
"I went to Japan and lived happily ever after (and then was killed by angry Japanese prisoners)."
Now, she has dreamed of going to Tokyo, and does, but the bad bulling problems follows her there. . . . ?
(I am prob so wrong) Sorry, I really liked this thought, it made me smile.
Keep writing. ( as if I need to tell you that) ^_^
Okay, I'm going to review this. Really. Now, I love this. Because it's funny, but you actually need to fix some things.
"I walk through the school hallways... No!" Okay, so grammar. You're periods should be " . . . " instead of "...". You should also only use 3.
"...because it was friday!" Friday and because should be capitalized. (And you should fix the periods.)
"I was kicked out by a bunch of bullies who chased me into an alley way and beat all of the money (I didn't have) out of me!" What? How'd they beat the money out of you if you didn't have any? And how were you kicked out by the custodians and the bullies?
""Oh...your awake?" said the doctor" GRAMMAR! 1. periods. 2. "you're" not your 3. "doctor." not doctor
""oh.." was all I can manage to say." Oh should be capitalized.
Okay. now onto the "plot".
Whoop! I have no idea what's going on. Do you live in Tokyo? How did the Japanese prisoners find you if you don't? What about the bullies? WHAT
So, um, fix it please
But you know I love it. Friend
Alex out!
Hi, GreenTulip here for a review of How about...No!
I am going to be very straight forward with this review.
1. I hate the repetition of the constant...NO!. For one it is very detracting from the story, and I don't know what it was suppose to do. It detracts from the story, and holds no value. I don't like it.
2. The story makes absolutely no sense. It changed the topic way to much, and was not easy to follow what so ever. I didn't like it, and I don't even know what the point to the story was.
3. What? What was this suppose to be? Comical or what? I found no meaning behind it. Or a purpose.
It's all I have to say besides that you need to work on sentence structure and being able to punctuate right. And make words make sense.
1. I didn't have a purpose
2. I said if you didn't like bad writing that you shouldn't read this
3. I don't know how it got into the literary spotlight...
I can't say I liked this. I didn't like the repetition of "NO!" Because it was just annoying and made the story choppy to read. You also have tons of grammar errors and just stuff in general that doesn't make sense.
Okay, so first you say you were kicked out by the custodians. Then you say you were kicked out by the bullies. So, which one was it?
So earlier you said bullies beat you to a pulp. Then they kidnapped you and took you to Tokyo which makes no sense whatsoever. Why would they do this? Then you wake up in a hospital bed. And the doctor says it was angry Japanese prisoners. Well? Which one was it?
You're missing punctuation at the end of this sentence, and "your" should be "you're" as in "Oh, you are awake?" Make sense? You are also missing punctuation on the next sentence.
So, a few people said this was funny. I don't really get how this was funny or why it was necessary to put "NO!" After many of the lines. It's not really an action/adventure or a narrative because well... it makes no sense to me. There is no character development, no descriptions just dialogue and "this happened then that happened" You grocery listed a lot is what I'm saying. Don't tell me what happened, show me. This has the potential to be a great short, but it needs some work. So, overall, I didn't like it all that much, but it appears that others have. So I guess just do what you want with my opinion, and keep writing!
-Gravity
I appreciate the feedback, but this obviously was a joke and I even said as a description "If you don't like bad writing, then don't read this" so I don't want people to take this as a serious piece of writing or a good one (because we all know it isn't). I'm sorry you didn't like this but, at least you probably got a lot of points from your review!
Ahaha, this made my day. Brilliant XD
-CFG
Heya!
You have a very individual writing style. I got used to it quickly and it became familiar to read which was nice.
'the next...' these are probably just typos, so you are missing some capital letters in the work.
Also here: '"oh.."'
Just a few minor corrections to be made in editing.
Content wise, this was a bit weird and unexpected.
'After that was over I went back to school and...No!'
And then you move on to the angry Japanese. If it's possible to have a eclectic writing style, then you've got it.
Well done
~BSF
What.
Really, my main problem is that it's too rushed.
Slow down.
Take a breath.
Your story was actually pretty funny. But had you composed it like an actual story, it may have sounded less like what a nine-year-old boy would write if he got bored in math class (no offense).
You genuinely have a good story going. Just take it slow, write some paragraphs (not just lines), put some punctuation, capitalization, grammar, and spelling in there, and you're all good!
I hope that didn't sound too harsh... I actually did like it!
Cardinal CesareBorgia.
I'm starting the review right away.
Nitpicks.
There was no grammar and spelling marks. That is a bonus.
Literary Comments:
After reviewing the story again, I finally caught the jist of the story.
He/she says something that's wrong, so he/she cancels it out with a NOO.
I thought that this was a really interesting story and I need to see more of your literary works.
Conclusion
All in all great story. This was a short review. Sorry about that. But great story. Keep writing!
CesareBorgia, signing out.
hurried good ideas but PUT DETAIL i like the NOOOO thing but try to lessen it
I was hurried... lol
Well. This was an interesting story. I liked the bluntness, but at the same time, it just seemed like you were in a hurry. Take time, explain things. Also, give us information bit by bit, not just in blocks. And maybe explain the character a little. Is it a girl or a boy? Who are their friends? Do they prefer their anime subbed or dubbed? I liked the surprising, messed-up ending, though. Nice and twisted. Keep writing!
-Bellator
Do I really need to put in the whole anime thing?
Eheh. He was joking.
She, I know HER!
Maybe I'm actually a dude... Who knows?
I know. Ok!
*drags @Blackrosetardis over here* *sings to the tune of "Let it Go* I'M A DUDE. I'M A DUDE.
Oh yeah, it's @icannothearthings... WHY U CHANGE USERNAMES.
meh.
What.