(As the title says, I found this in the back of my computer files. I didn't realize I still had it! This was written... last year, I believe. I got the idea from a TV show, though the story is mine. Basically, there was a line from the show that sparked my imagination... happens often with me. Anyway, here it is. I'll probably get into rewriting it soon. 
)
It was dark in the alleyway, the moon shining dimly overhead. A pair of black, beady eyes glinted, before a large gray mouse leaped out of the shadows, swinging around just in time to dodge sharp teeth. The mouse skidded, flicking his half-ear. He had lost the other half of it during another battle. The snake in front of him hissed sinisterly, banded brown tail whipping around to its side. Then, without warning, it lunged for the rodent, barely missing as the mouse jumped up.
“Nice move, Hookfang,” The mouse commented in a sly tone, landing on the ground not too far away. “One would think you’d done this before.”
“Such big talk for a rodent,” Hookfang, the snake, retorted, shaking his head, before sliding around to face the creature. “But you won’t be talking for long, pathetic scrap of fur.”
The mouse winked. “Scrap is my name, after all.”
“Enough of your games!” Hookfang lunged for the mouse again, this time his long fangs showing.
Scrap leaped to the side, scratching his tiny claws over Hookfang’s eyes. It was a small hit, and didn’t cause any injury, but it distracted the snake long enough for him to dash off into the rubble that lined the dark pavement. He panted, constantly glancing over his shoulder as he bolted for safety- the old bank. Not even the dumbest snake would go to that place. Only the mice of the city would enter.
As he slid in through the open door, paws burning on the rough carpet, he slowed his pace, scurrying in the direction of a small hole in the tawny-colored wall. He followed the small, dark tunnel until entering a small square-shaped room. There were many other mice here, lying about.
“Scrap!” A voice made him jump. He recognized Greg’s voice, and turned to see the black rat holding something in his paws. “Status report!”
“What’s it like out there?” An albino rat named Debra asked, breaking into a coughing fit afterwords. Scrap knew that she had always been a sickly rodent, and that her sickness had only gotten worse recently.
“Narrowly escaped a bite from Hookfang,” Scrap shook himself. “He’s leading the attack group this time.”
“What about the others?” Greg demanded. “Where are Otto and Boris?”
“Still out there, I suppose.”
Greg narrowed his eyes for a moment, before glancing at a white rat. “Crash, go out and find them. Call a retreat.”
“Yes sir,” Crash, who’s real name was Fredrick, nodded, bolting out past Scrap.
(Nice, eh? 
No... not really... Feel free to critique and comment.)
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ooooh, this is cool, I don't believe I've seen this particular combination ever before, a rat and a snake going head to head in what seems like some sort of fight scene almost, except this is now got a much more distinctly humanish touch to it with the dialogue that you've manage to slide in here. This is certainly making for a pretty interesting piece here at the moment.
Well, this just continues to get more interesting as we go on here, it seems as if we've got a situation where the whole mice and snake situation is a lot more complex than just two that know each other meeting, but rather this feels like we've got multiple groups involved in some sort of battle that seems to stretch much further beyond this one confrontation and so far I am very excited to see where this goes.
Hmm, I have to say this manages to be pretty intriguing right here. I am certainly kind of invested at this point and now I really want to know what goes down here beyond this point..and read more. There's just a certain sense of mystery you build and its just so different from regular human things that it really catches your attention. Overall, I think this is a really solid opening that you've got right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is a great start!
The only things I see right now have to do with the pacing, but I think your concept is sound. I am having trouble visualizing the setting, and I think if you slowed down at the beginning and gave the reader a chance to get his or her bearings, it would be easier to become involved in the story.
You should finish this! I would definitely want to read more!
Fine... *gives Hookfang back.* My snake was getting jealous, anyway.
Haha. What I meant by developed was that they all had a bit of personality and none of them seemed like cardboard stand-ups. Histories: you'd be surprised how much personality a character will get when you just take five minutes to write a brief history, so the fact that you did that makes a lot of difference.
Anyway. Good job again. Looking forward to the rewrite!
Yes, I know.
Who's should be Whose, you know.
Aw, don't take Hookfang, Freyja! I need him for the story!
Thank you for the review. I did notice that I overused the word "small" in this piece. Ha ha... I will probably be rewriting this sometime soon. It's a bit unclear in some parts, and it's missing some of the major characters.
As far as the characters being developed, most of them only have names and histories.
Once again, thank you!
~~Bugwhisker
P.S. I'm glad you like my name.
Hi Bugwhisker! (I like your name, by the way.)
" I love snakes, so I'm happy to see a snake here, even if he is the bad guy.
I'm Freyja, and first of all I just have to say, "Snaaaaaaaake!
I like it so far. It seems like it's a sort of gang-centered story, but with...mice and snakes. Interesting!
So, let's see. Corrections in red; comments in blue.
You have a good variety of characters that seem to be pretty well-developed. As far as prologues go, it's nice, not too short, but not too long, and gives us some semblance of something about to happen. A nice balance of action and downtime.
The only things I had to nit-pick have been pointed out already, and so I'll leave you to it. Can't wait to see more! If you want me to check out the next parts, PM me.
Peace, and good luck!
Freyja out.
(by the way, I'm taking the snake with me... *grabs snake and goes.*)