(This isn't really a story... it's more of a short prologue. I haven't decided whether to continue it or not... I'd have to make the prologue longer if I did. Anyway... enjoy!)
"Are you sure he's the one?" A white wolf asked, peering through the thick undergrowth and into the burrow den ahead of the three.
"Yes," The tan-and-gray male replied, eyes narrowed. "I'm quite certain. He is the fourth..."
"The prophecy... it's revealing itself." A gray she-wolf murmured, closing her bright blue eyes. Her tail slowly curled around her side.
"Soon he will realize his gift," The white wolf added, claws scoring tiny marks in the soil. "And the Fire will be found."
"Patience, Rain and Breeze," The tan-and-gray male barked softly. "It will be some time before he is ready. When he is older, we can visit him, tell him of the prophecy."
"You are right, Sand," Rain agreed, nodding. She looked to Breeze, who seemed to be thinking the same. Then, her ears perked, and she turned to see a large brown wolf coming out of the den. It was the newborn pups' father. "Here comes Elk."
"There will be a time to explain the prophecy to him when the Fire has been found." Sand growled. "And when that time comes, be ready..."
(It's not my best writing, really...)
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi PenNPaper here to review!
The 'T' from 'The' should be in small letter.
A comma after 'itself' and 'A' should be in small letter too.
If there is a comma after 'gift', the next word should be in small letter.
Same for this.
A comma after found.
Well that's all for the mistakes, your story was too short, and most, if not all, of it is dialogue, try to add in some descriptions, or it will seem dull.
Good luck and keep writing!
You are a very talented writer, your characters are vivid and your story line is not vapid.
Although, this piece of writing to me is more unoriginal than others. you must try to hook the readers in if you want more views. Remember, a story has to have a cling to it; if it doesn't, you wont have many readers.
Good luck.
Kayla
OK, for it being short I liked it. The wolves names were also pretty cool too. Spelling and grammar were fine by my standards. But about the prophecy thing, its a bit overdone. You'll see a lot of books with this prophecy thing it, not really that original. But other than that, great!
Hey Bug!
Just a quick dialogue not: your grammar's all off in that department, and it was quite distracting as I read it. There's a wonderful little article by Snoink on it here. So yeah, just memorise those patterns.
I really liked the mystery and suspense you brought out here, and you did it in wuch a simple manner - which is great. But I have two main areas for you to consider:
1 - Dialogue vs. Descriptions
This story is almost primarily talking. Sure, the lack of descriptions adds to the mystery, but you need to focus on the emotions, the thoughts and actions of the characters. Are there any significant characteristics that help to define the characters? Because by the end of a first read, I didn't take out the names of any characters, nor anything noteworthy about them. Is there some kind of status among the wolves? The amount of dialogue each has is a good indicator.
In actuality, the fact that you have so much dialogue demonstrates that you were trying to avoid giving away too much - but there can be foreshadowing on places on than the plots. While I am not partial to prologues, they can be great to explore first impressions of characters. Be sure to get the balance right between descriptions and dialogue - because there's more to the story.
2 - Themes & Characters
If I could on a more specific part of what I just said. Personally, I can't find enough to distinguish the fact that they are wolves. Wolf stories are overused as it is - so why should I be reading this? Give me reason to, since I don't currently understand why they nee to be wolves when a human would be exactly the same in such a scenario. Use descriptions to put aside different characters as opposed to just repeating something about a prophecy, because it seems like you're being intentionally mysterious. Prologues + prophecies generally encounter disaster.
So! This is very intriguing, but it can't be properly grasped without lengthening the story out. I hope I've helped! Feel free to PM me with any questions.
Best
Blinky
Hey, there! Juneth here.
I'd love to read more.
So! This is a start! And, it's better than some starts that I've read this morning, but the only thing holding me back from saying that it's excellent or anything like that is that prologues should foreshadow a clear idea, and here, the idealogical parts of this are very fuzzy. To speak, you should revise this, and add more to it, before you continue.
Moreover, I understand that attributing characteristics, whether they be physical or abstract, is a good way to introduce your audience to the characters, and sometimes the best place to do that is early on. However! I kind of feel that the description got a little boring, dearie, because instead of adding a pretty wording or anything -- not that you had to! You kind of followed the same, flattened pattern of giving us eye color, and that got a little boring, you know?
Nonetheless, I applaud you on the hint of suspense you gave us. I would kind of like to see a touch of finality on this prologue -- you know, if they're watching another wolf, or a human, and it's not doing anything, have it do something small, you know? Like, close this segment with an action from the other party.
So, good job! Keep on writing, and please let me know when the next part is up?
June
(two thumbs up)
This sounds interesting. Definitely something I would continue reading. But be careful. There are a lot of wolf stories about prophecy and such. I'm curious to see what you're going to do with this.
Best wishes.
~ Crazy
I liked the names of the wolves. They're original as far as I know. As Lydia said, it's hard to critique much on something this short. One thing I will say is to be wary of using a prophecy as the backbone of a plot. I could rant all day about that, but I'll refer you to Karsten's blog post abut it instead. http://universityoffantasy.blogspot.com ... te-it.html
Unless you're going to subvert it, banish all trace of prophecy from your writing. Please, I beg you.
Right, that's out of the way. Another issue is the amount of characters. It takes time for a reader to get to know a character, and having to get to know five in this short space of time doesn't make it any easier. Think of any book and you'll find that especially at the start, there is only one or a few characters.
The characters also all seemed to speak the same way. Of course it's very early, thus hard to make a judgement. If you do continue, make sure each of them have their own way of speaking, and their own mannerisms.
So, you came up with it from the top of your head (from the title). That's fine, but it helps to do a plan if you're writing a long piece, otherwise it's easy to get lost while writing it and end up with a directionless draft that lacks the all important story structure. Even if you just plan vaguely a few events for the story to keep you on track.
All the best.
Hello Bugwhisker!
Welcome To YWS by the way
Ok, so I can't really review this in terms of the characters and the plot etc, because there isn't enough there for me to get a hold of. But I am guessing that there are different elements represented by wolves? I think that if this is the case it would be interesting if you continued it. PM me if you decide to.
Regarding grammar and punctuation I didn't find anything wrong with it which is great!
So yes, I think that if you have ideas for where you are going to take this then carry on with it, it could be great!
Well Done
Keep Writing
~Lydia