Published December 27, 2008
It was some time after five o’ clock on a Monday morning, and I must have been in a deep sleep, because my alarm clock didn’t wake me. It was either that or I hadn’t set it correctly. Suddenly, I was awakened by the loud sound of feet stomping up the stairs to my room.
My door was flung open.
“Aspasia!” my mother screamed.
I slowly opened my eyes, and saw my mother standing there in the doorway.
“Get your lazy butt off that bed, and get ready for school!” she yelled.
So I sat up a little, rubbed my innocent eyes, and looked at my mother in confusion.
“Get up now, Aspasia!” she hollered once more, but in a stronger and more serious tone.
“I am, Mother,” I answered strongly. “I’m getting up.”
She headed towards my bed. I couldn’t help but feel scared, especially not knowing what she might do.
“Was that an insult?” asked my mother, pointing her finger within inches of my face.
I shook my head left and right. “No, no, Mother,” I answered, harmlessly.
She grabbed my blankets and bed sheets angrily, and threw at me, frightening me even more than I had been.
“You never insult me, you liar! I’ll wash your dirty little mouth out with soap!”
“But—”
“Shut up, and get ready for school,” she ordered, as she violently yanked on my hair.
I was still in my nightshirt, but she forced me to get up and out of bed. I was confused and tired, and too scared to understand what was happening, especially with her yanking on my hair.
“Now hurry and brush your teeth, and get dressed, you little brat,” she demanded, finally releasing my hair. She started out of the room, but then looked back. “And fix your bed,” she added, “you slob!”
My eyes were filling with tears as she left the bedroom. But, since she had left the door open, I made sure she was out of sight before softly sobbing, and calling her “a jerk.”
I made my bed, got dressed, and brushed my teeth as I been told to do. Since I was already late, my mother made me go without breakfast, and I headed off to school on an empty stomach.
Later that day, I sat at my desk in the classroom, playing with a pencil and not paying any attention to the teacher. I was sad and depressed. My best friend, Nina, sat next to me and looked at me. She must have noticed my sadness.
“Are you alright, Aspasia?” she whispered over to me.
I was too sad to even look at her, or to say anything. I’m not even sure if I heard her. I just didn’t want to involve her with what happened to me that morning.
“Nina and Aspasia, pay attention!” shouted the teacher.
Nina quickly sat up straight, and focused her eyes on him. I noticed what a loud mouth my teacher, Mr. Harpman, had. I hated school, and I hated how we children had to blindly obey our teacher. So I stared at him with an angry expression on my face, and rolled my eyes. Mr. Harpman saw me roll my eyes, and noticed the angry look I on my face. I didn’t care. He huffed and puffed, but soon continued on with his teaching.
Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Nina glancing over at me, staring for a few seconds, and I could tell from her expression that she was worried.
After school, Nina decided to walk with me to my house. I guess she was so worried about me that she wanted to hang out with me all day. I was very quiet as we walked, looking down at my feet, and saying nothing. I was doing a bad job of hiding my emotions, but I was afraid I would start to cry if I opened my mouth.
“Why are you so depressed?” Nina finally asked. “You haven’t said anything all day.”
I didn’t answer, and just looked straight ahead. I felt Nina staring, as she waited for an answer.
“Is it work, Aspasia? Trouble at home? Or is someone just being mean to you?”
I thought to myself, “Gosh, what is she? My agent?” That was how frustrated and annoyed I was becoming. So, I decided to end the conversation.
“Please… just stop asking,” I said. “It happens every day.” And, I looked away.
“Okay… whatever,” said Nina, sounding disappointed.
Eventually, we reached my house. As soon as we stepped inside, my mother confronted us. I wanted to just take Nina, and walk away to my room, but of course I didn’t. It wasn’t as if I would have been able to anyway.
“What are you doing Aspasia!?” hollered my mother, all the while blocking the staircase. “You can’t bring someone into MY house.”
I sighed and stared at her. “But Mother, she’s my study partner. My teacher—”
“I don’t care what your teacher says!” she yelled, interrupting me. “You ask me before waltzing people into my house!”
“That’s stupid, Mother” I murmured, “you know who she is.” There was a whine in my voice.
“Don’t you talk back to me, stupid girl!” she yelled, pointing her finger at my face.
I ignored my mother, and looked at Nina, who looked a little frightened. “Nina,” I said, “go ahead and go to my room, okay? I’ll be up in a sec.”
Nina nodded. My mother didn’t move out of the way, but just stood there staring into Nina’s eyes, as Nina barely squeezed past her, and slowly and cautiously walked up the staircase. I looked at my mother, and started to head upstairs, but she grabbed hold of my arm.
“You watch yourself young lady,” my mother threatened.
I gave her a dirty look, and yanked my arm away from her grip, continuing on my way upstairs. I didn’t even look back to see my mom’s expression. But I got the feeling I might regret that action later.
I reached my bedroom and walked in, slamming the door closed. Nina was standing near the desk with her arms crossed, looking worried. I walked to the bed and sat down, resting my chin in my hand. I was totally frustrated with all of the drama.
“I don’t know how you put up with her,” Nina said, as she walked over to me, and sat down beside me.
“I don’t know how, either…”
Nina began rubbing my back softly. It was the first time she had ever done that to me, and it was comforting. I looked at her and smiled, feeling a bit better. We heard my mother stomping her way up the stairs, and Nina removed her hand from my back. But, the comforting moment had been nice while it lasted. I sighed as I waited for my mother to barge into my room. It was obvious that that was where she was headed.
A moment later, she charged through the door.
“Nina!” she shouted. “Your mother called, and she wants you home.” Her voice was filled with anger, and there was a bit of over-acting.
“Are you sure?” Nina asked, tilting her head to the side.
“Yes, I’m sure!”
Nina blinked, and stood up. She had a confused look on her face. She looked at me, and said, “Well, bye Aspasia. See you at school tomorrow,” and quickly walked out of the room.
“Gosh Mother,” I said, “you didn’t have to yell at her. She’s not deaf.”
As soon as I said that, my mother walked over to me. I took one look at her, and backed away. She slapped me across the face. I had deserved it, but I didn’t regret saying what I had said.
“How dare you yell at your mother!” she screamed.
“But Mom, I didn’t yell!” I was whimpering, and holding the side of my face that had been hit.
In response to my shouting again, she slapped me on the other side of my face, yelling, “Don’t you talk back to me!”
It was the first time she had ever hit me twice in a row. She was obviously angery at something, and of course she had taken her anger out on me. She turned around and started to walk away, and my eyes teared up. What I said next was something I wish I never said – even though I meant it.
“I HATE YOU!” I cried out with hatred.
My mom stopped cold in the doorway, and slowly turned around and gave me an angry look like I had never seen before. She stomped towards me, and my heart beat faster in fear.
“No… Mother, no! I didn’t mean it!” I cried in panic, looking around, wanting to run somewhere.
“HOW DARE YOU!” my mother yelled at the top of her lungs.
She grabbed my hair with one hand, pulling it hard to the side, and with her other she pushed me back down on the bed, roughly slamming the side of my face into its surface. Then, she released my hair and grabbed my wrist, twisting it behind my back.
“Ouch!” I cried, “You’re hurting me!”
“You better apologize right now little lady,” she said.
I didn’t want to apologize, because I hadn’t done anything wrong, but I didn’t have a choice.
“Okay! I’m sorry!” I said.
I felt her loosen her grip just a bit, but then she tightened it again, and hollered, “Say it louder. I can’t hear you!”
“I said I’m sorry!!!” I cried out, even louder.
At last, mother turned me free, and said, “you’re going to reform school, you little punk.”
And then she walked away, apparently satisfied. I was still quite shaken, and I sat on the edge of the bed, crying softly into my hands. I couldn’t bear to live this life any more. I could only think of death; I just wanted to die.
---------------------------------------------- FEEDBACK IS NEEDED ---------------------------------------------Like what you read? Please feel free to send me feedback and comments on the story. If you love it and want to purchase the FULL book in print. Please visit http://www.bugboyandy.com/theafterlifephenomenon for info.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I thought this was pretty good, although, I wasn't too into it until the mom went crazy when she brought her friend home. After that I was pretty interested in what was to happen next.
The only real tip I have for you is to use more description. I mostly mean describe what people look like more, the colors and textures of a few things, etc.
As an example for places you could use more description...
First off, as a tip, your word choice can greatly change the picture formed in someone's head when you're describing something. In this case, where you said, "roughly slamming the side of my face into its surface", My mind, even though the previous sentence makes it known as a bed, presented a picture of her face getting slammed into something hard, like wood, maybe even the bed's wooden support or something. Surface is just too vague when you could use a much more descriptive word such as "mattress" or "sheets". Another word you should change would probably be "slamming". I'm not sure why, but when I hear of someone slamming something into something, the surface is usually hard... Although this one may just be me. Maybe you could use "mashing" or something else that better fits the cushiony mattress.
One last thing to help your descriptions with spots such as this. You should describe what she's feeling at this point pain-wise. You did a good job with the "Ouch!" I cried, "You're hurting me!" because you described the pain of her wrist successfully. We can gather that pain through her dialogue. But while you're feeling descriptive, why not describe the bed's sheets being ruff against her cheek as her face is pressed into it? Simple, few worded sentences can make a huge difference. Heck, you can combine it with a sentence if you want to.
Overall this was good. Although it's not a huge necessity, I really think that this story could do better with that little extra description that I've talked about above. Just little tidbits here and there that draw the reader into the experience that is your novel.
Oh, as a side note, I thought the mother could have had a better effect on the reader if she wasn't just some crazy lady that was always screaming her head off. So far all her dialogue has been yelling, and I think it would be better if you gave her times of contrast where she seems normal and nice. For example, instead of her going crazy the moment the main character walks in with her friend, you could have her act pleasant around the friend with an ominous undertone that's hinted through glances and such at her daughter. Then she can use that excuse that the friend's mom had called to get rid of her before she flips her lid again. That way it will be partly more suspenseful, leaving the reader truly wondering what this woman will do next. If she's yelling all the time there is no growing tension.
Okay that's everything. I enjoyed the read and good luck with selling your book.
Haha. Oh boy, don't be dreaming about it now, you hear? XD No but really, I think you're one of the book's biggest fans.
No not lucky me, lucky me would be me holding The Afterlife Phenomenon or your other book saying, oh so thats how it goes. Cause right now I'm doing my head in thinking about it, and I have next to no hope of reading it till I get ym own credit card.
Hmm that was a nice rant
Wow, I was way off then. lol. Lucky you!
LOL, I live in Australia, so it's summer break. Plus it's still got another month to go xD.
Haha. Gotta do better than that. XD
I can read your mind though.
*hummmmm* You are thinking... about, that it sucks winter break has ended.
Hmm I see 2 solutions:
1. Beg and beg till you give in.
2. Invent a mind reading device and read your mind.
Both have great odds of success
Haha, good luck on that. I don't see why parents are cautious about online shopping anyway, PayPal is very safe.
Oh yeah, there's more. But currently unpublished. Wait until you hear about it. It's a fave among the selected few who read the proofcopy.
Hmm I'm gona have to persuade my parents to let me buy it off lulu or amazon.
And did you say books? You mean there's more? Gimme, gimme gimme.
Hey Scarecrow, awesome feedback. Much appreciated. I love how it interests you a lot. Every chapter ends with a cliffhanger, at least that's what I tried to do. (lol)
As for the names, I'm suprised you noticed that. Also, my books are known to tell a lesson of some kind. I ask my readers after reading it; "do you see what the lesson is in this story?"
hehe. But it's my secret, I'm not giving it away just yet.
Well I for one, really liked it. The characters are already developing well, although I do find it hard to see the mother as an actual person, but as you stated before, it's part of the plotline.
Speaking of the plot line, it's interesting. It's not a love at first sight plot line (Matthew Reilly), but it's not at all bad, it's actually quite good.
But what I like about it most is it's engaging me, and making me want to know what's happening next.
You do use some words in excess (angry, stomped/stomping), however it's barley noticeable in your style of writing.
And another thing I love is how Aspasia (the name) contrasts with the names of people around her (Nina).
Also congratulations on getting the book published, great achievement.
And if I see it in the bookstore I'm definitely buying it
Thanks for the read Luke! Every point of view is very appreciated. I iwll learn from it for my next book.
It didn't really grip me to read more. You need to start off with something different. Use something that will grip everyone.
Luke
Thanks for the read, Sara. I know exactly what you mean. Sadly I didn't put a lot of effort in CH.1, but in later chapters there's more of what she's thinking.
And I agree, i didn't realize I use the same words a lot. I will remember that. Thanks!
I personally think that the story needs a bit more emotion behind Aspasia, even though we understand the face that she hates her mom and she's completely miserable, I think you should bring in some more emotional words to describe her reactions possibly, for example:
In this part, you can understand she's angry, but you might want to say more on what she's thinking. It's not the best example, but you get the idea, right?
I think you should use a larger variety of words such as
Instead of the word "answer" twice, you might want to use some synonyms such as "reply" or "response"
You repeated the feeling "angry" a few times, I would also use a different word to describe her feeling.
I like where you're heading with this, lots of dialogue, which is always fun and easy to read
<3 Sara.
That leaves you hanging, i like it. its pretty interesting.
Thank you for reading, Angel. You know, I never even thought about Matilda. That is indeed a very good comparison. Like I mentioned above, Aspasia's mother gives off a "bad guy" feel. But later in the story readers will see, she does have a heart.
I have talked to a few kids before in abusive relationships with parents, it's very sad, that there really is a person living a life similar to these fictional characters. It's a dark secret, but truth be told, it does exist.
Hey there Andy!
I quite enjoyed this. You write really well and I think that your MC is well developed in this first chapter. You know, before I go on this kinda reminded of Matilda. Not that I'm saying it's anything like it, it's just that previous reviewers are saying that the mother is a little over the top, when really some kids (including Matilda) have parents like this. Yes they are over the top, but we can not doubt that they exist.
You made me feel for Aspasia (cool name by the way) And her remarks were so believable because kids always have something to say back to their parents, even when they're getting disciplined. This, I think is going to be a good story.
I think it's cool that you got this published. It gives other aspiring writers hope that the same can happen to them. Thanks for the read.
~ Angel
I thought the mother was a bit to harch and too phisical, it was still a good read
Hey there! June here!
I liked this piece, Andy. It was very well written and clear. I'd dying to know what caused her mother to get so upset here.
The only issue I spotted was this:
The proper spelling of "angery" is "angry".
Other than that, it was good. The person above (Davidude) has already spoken about what I would like to see in the story.
I think it's great. I would definitely read the entire story. I would love to find out about the events that lead up to this and the events that come afterwards.
Sorry for not being much help here
Great job, keep it up.
June
Hello Casey,
Thank you for reading! Every suggestion and outlook on it really helps. =] Haha, selling her stuff on eBay, that's a good one actually. I like it. lol. My goal was to make the mother seem like the "bad-guy" of the story, a person to blame for the child's future. I do want people to pity her. Because later in the book, it all changes.
I liked it, but I think that the mother is a bit extreme. Let her show her hatred in more discreet ways, like I don't know, selling her belongings on ebay or badmouthing her on the phone. I find that instead of pitying the girl, I am annoyed by her a bit. I think she over reacts a bit and would be more likeable if she tried to be happy. Maybe she could appear content with her life in front of others and then curl up in to fetal position with a knife in hand when she is alone.
I hope I helped a little, I'm new to this.
Thank you so much for reading this. I appreciate your feedback very much! What you said above, what I quoted, I must reply to. I am glad you mention this, because there is a scene within the book, that the mother shows feelings for her daughter. I wont say much, because it's a key role for the story.
Also, I admit that the first few chapters, don't have much depth, but it is in the middle of the book, that most of action, detail, and emotions take place.
I really hope readers on here, will purchase the book. There is a lesson to be told at the end.
Thanks for reading!
Hello,
Sakura has covered most technical aspects that I noticed, so I'm going to make some subjective comments. Do with them as you will.
I found I related to the character and her experience well, even though I don't have a mother that is particularly harsh or and did not get into trouble at school often. We all have the childhood experience of feeling as if adults are just there to tread us into the ground, and I think you've captured that powerfully. It's interesting because you don't often see this side of the relationship with our parents in media generally. Mothers are more often portrayed as warm, patient and understanding, rather than strict and overbearing. Discipline and familial tension are important parts of the relationship with our parents, but they are only parts.
In your story I felt that the mother was harsh in the extreme, a monster if you will. The reader comes to believe that the mother is either suffering from some kind of problem, or is just not a real character - a character warped from its true identity by the emotions of the narrator. If you are going to continue to develop the mother's character and her relationship with the child in your storyline I suggest at least giving the reader a clue of her humanity. Maybe give her a reason why she is acting so grumpily. Aspasia seems so innocent: I don't understand why there is such a tension between the two, maybe you should give Aspasia a bit more bite. Conversely you could show the mother doing something a just little loving, like giving her a packed lunch.
There's a certain irony in the way our parents can give us a good telling off, but then still give us a good night kiss once we're in bed. As children we can't comprehend it and it just makes us more angry.
Perhaps you could exploit this?
It's all about a balance, and it really depends on what you're trying to create. I'm not a child anymore, maybe it needs to be black and white. But for me the mother is being demonized just a little too much; It doesn't seem as real as it could do.
Your writing was of a good quality, only a few typos and sentences needing revision. It flowed well and was easy to read. Nothing about your style impressed me particularly but I was kept interested to the end. I think the dialogue could do with more depth (which is related to what I've said above), but as it is for children maybe it shouldn't be too subtle. (personally l like to think children pick up more than they're given credit for, if only subconsciously)
It's just my opinion, but I hope this is helpful.
Well done, and keep writing!
Sakura,
Thank you so much for reading, and for the suggestions and critique. I am very open for comments, especially, most importantly, young readers. You spotted a typo, this is why I needed some feedback. =)
My goal is to have this book reach to those kids who relate to Aspasia. One thing I would like to add, and I hope it doesn't confuse anyone, but Aspasia far from suicidal. She has no intention to harm herself... but just to escape the pain she suffers.
I hope readers will purchase this book to see what all happens. =)
PS: I apologize I disobeyed any of the rules before posting.
Thanks.
Children's fiction writer,
Andrew C. Markey
www.bugboyandy.com
Welcome to YWS! It's a great place to get critique for your writing, but you should critique other's writing as well! There is a 2:1 ratio- you should have 2 reviews before you post your own work.
Thanks!
But onto your review-
And threw what? What's in the accusative? Is she throwing sheets? Then you need to put the direct object in there:
Example: "...threw the sheets at me"
"...threw them at me.
This doesn't really need to be changed, but "jerk" seems way too mild of an insult. Just my opinion.
I'm pretty sure this was a typo. You probably meant "as I had been told to do"
Oh, boo hoo. No breakfast. It makes the narrator seem annoying. I read this whole "abuse" scene as the narrator shouting, "Pity me!"
Typo here. Should be "angry".
If you're character is saying "I hate you," of course they are saying it with hatred. The word hate/hatred becomes repetitive. Take it out or replace it.
All in All
This was a good story. I'd read more of it. Some of the abuse scenes made me roll my eyes. Getting slapped? That's happened to me, and I didn't go off and kill myself.
Hope this helped,
Sakura