(Help!!! In the parentheses below where it says something, I need help thinking of a word. The original word was radiated but that sounds stupid.)
Prologue... Shadows
Twelve cloaked figures stood in a circle; the walls surrounding them were illuminated by a strange blue glow, pulsing as if it were alive. The tallest figure stepped forward into the middle of the circle and the twelve others bowed their heads in reverence.
"Our last attempts were, unfortunately, in vain," He growled in an inhumanly perfect voice.
"The Shadows aren't trying hard enough. We're running out of time!" Another figure said, his tone trembling slightly in fear of being reprimanded. The tallest one laughed.
"Yes, but we have all the time in the world," He chuckled. "The moment it dies, it will be reborn; so it's age will not be a problem." Suddenly the humor drained from his voice as he stopped laughing, and held up a gloved hand to snap his finigers quietly. A large wisp of blue and green smoke drifted in from an arched opening in one of the walls; hovering several feet above the ground and quivering.
"Yes... sir?" The voice (something) from the cloud, fear emanating from the very core of the sound.
"I want you to tell me.... How is it possible that you could fail... again?" The tallest cloaked figure hissed, his voice filled with calm rage.
"I tried, sir, but the population has increased so rapidly... there are hundreds of millions of people and we are looking only for one... and it has become much more difficult to transport them here." The voice came from the whisp of smoke, which was now darting back and forth nervously.
"DO NOT fail me again or you will severely regret it!" The tallest one's voice was losing it's calm and the rage in it was becoming more prominent. The whisp of smoke quickly darted out the opening again and the room was silent for several more moments, until one of the cloaked figures spoke.
"And if he fails?" He asked quietly.
The tallest one laughed again. "We have plenty more where he came from," he said. "I could dispose of him easily. And we have all the time in the world." His voice hardened. "We have waited countless years to find it," He said. "Surely we can afford a little longer... but my patience may not last so long." Without saying another word he walked out of the circle and through the opening in the wall, and the other twelve followed him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First, I liked it. All the mistakes I found were already mentioned, so I won't repeat them. I liked the walls pulsing part; I hadn't thought of living creatures as "pulsing," but it seemed fitting.
For the blank I would use "pervaded" (not really sure that's a word, but it sounds great), "imparted," or "issued forth." And change "The voice" to "a voice"--we don't know (or expect) the wisp of smoke to speak.
Otherwise captivating (I love these strategizing scenes)
Blue
I liked this! No jokes! But there's always something that can be changed:
1. Correct use of semi-colon. Well done! You made me happy
2. You don't need 'strange' because it is implied in the next sentence. No normal walls pulse blue, do they?
3. If you used 'walls' then you need to keep them plural.
4. Finally, would sometime living really 'pulse'? It seems quite an odd simile to me.
You don't need to repeat this. Only tell me if the numbers have suddenly changed, yeah?
This shouldn't really be a capital letter since you aren't starting a new sentence.
Way too much laughter. It's getting cheesy and annoying. Cut some of it, you don't need it all.
Oh. And now I'm not happy. Incorrect use of a semi-colon. Either get rid of 'so' and keep the semi-colon, or get rid of the semi-colon and use a comma.
Again, incorrect usage. But, I have a better idea. Get rid of the nasty passive tense clause and use a new sentence!
E.g. A large wisp of blue and green smoke drifted in from an arched opening in one of the walls. It hovered several feet above the ground and quivered.
Actually, that's not a particularly good sentence, but you get what I mean!
1. I hate ellipses. There are circumstances where they are bearable. This is not one of them. Use them when a voice is trailing off. Here, the dialogue is not doing that at all.
2. 'calm' rage? I don't think so. Maybe 'controlled', but not 'calm'. That would be an oxymoron, like my username
Same deal with these ellipses. Kill 'em.
No need for capitals. If you want to make the stress fall on the first to words consider something like:
"Do not," he said, eyes blazing. "Do not fail me again. You will regret it, I assure you."
For a last sentence, this is pretty poor. Break it up into two sentences to give more impact as you finish the chapter.
E.g. Without speaking he walked out of the circle and through the opening in the wall. Exchanging looks, the others followed.
Or something like that...
Anyway, now for the overview:
So far I haven't seen anything totally original here. You've got the classic 'baddies constructing evil plans' at the beginning and as that's all I've read, I don't know how much better it gets. Your evil character seems evil in the same way, and the druid-like beginning is kinda clichéd too.
But, I like the idea that they're looking for one person in our world. I'm guessing that they're in another one (that's the impression I got) but you do keep me guessing about what's coming next. I like that, and I think this story has potential, so lets see if you can surprise me in your next chapter!
Any questions? Just PM me
Charlie
Realy good. I cant wait to see more. Looks like angel and billy already beat me to all the mistakes i saw, so i do't have much more to tell ya. But i liked it; it was mysterious and left you wondering what they were talking abou and what was going to happen next. ^.^ Good job!
-Mays
Great story, very mysterious. Just a couple of mistakes though:
It's pedantic, I know, but the figures don't add up. Change the first instance to thirteen or the second to eleven.
Whisp should be wisp.
I would put issued in there.
Overall though, a really good story - you've got me wondering what's going to happen next.
- Billy
strange and unusual. just like you.
Thankfully there aren't many mistakes, like there shouldn't be. You must've looked it over, good girl ^.^. I'll point out the mistakes though. Just to help you out:
"Suddenly the humor drained from his voice as he stopped laughing, and held up a gloved hand to snap his finigers quietly."
I assume you mean fingers.
The tallest one's voice was losing it's calm and
It should be "its" not 'it's"
~~~~~~~
'"Yes... sir?" The voice (something) from the cloud, fear emanating from the very core of the sound.'
I would put in something that hased to do with echoing or something like that. Or you could put in Emanating and then change "fear emanating fromt he very core of the sound." to, "fear radiating from the sound" or something to that extent.
~~~~
'"I want you to tell me.... How is it possible that you could fail... again?" The tallest cloaked figure hissed, his voice filled with calm rage.'
I don't know about other people, but I don't picture this as a hiss, but rather a superior tone being taken. If you want it to appear to be more of a hiss, then I suggest taking away the pauses, and just keeping them periods. Like so: "'I want you to tell me how it is possible that you could fail. Again." This adds a bit more Ummph, if you will. and makes the cloaked figure seem a bit more menacing.
~~~~
"DO NOT fail me again or you will severely regret it!"
Caps are not good in books. They are actually quite irritating, which is why we ask you not to use them in chat. What you should is have the 'do' be normal and then italisize the 'not'. You get the same effect that you want.
Okay, that's about all I can find. You've got a good plot going here, but there's still room for improvement. Your prologues has done a good job in getting the reader ready to read your story. Good job ^.^
--meow