Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
She kissed her daughter on the cheek, and tucked her into bed.
“Mommy, will you tell me a bed time story?” the child pleaded, with eyes darker than the world outside.
The mother sighed, “I'm sorry, baby. But you know that mommy's got to go to work.”
She kissed her one more time, before turning and leaving the room. She shut the light off and closed the door behind her.
“Ma, watch her. If she asks where I went, please don't tell her where I really am.”
The older woman paused the black and white classic on the big screen and turned to her.
“Darling, you've got to find a real job. Selling yourself isn't a real job, and we can't lie to Lillian forever.”
August sat a moment. She's right, I can't keep lying to my baby girl, she thought.
She grabbed her purse and left without another word. The hallway reeked of whiskey and dirty clothes. She had to get her daughter out of here; this wasn't suitable for a princess. A junkie stumbled out of their apartment, with the rubber band still making their veins pop out.
“Aug... augu... August, take this offfffff,” the woman said, while laughing hysterically.
She untied it, and handed it to her. “Don't do so much next time, Jules.” And continued on her way. If she didn't get to her place by midnight, the “man that was in charge” would get on her ass. Hurriedly, she finally made it and met up with Diamond, Melody, and Honey.
“Hey, Candy,” Honey squealed, giving her a hug.
“Hey, baby girl.” These girls didn't know her real name. And she would rather it be that way than any other. “Any customers yet?”
“Two, so far. Regulars for Melody,” Diamond rolled her eyes.
August nodded and looked around. There was no sign of their pimp. Every single one of the girls was shaking. It didn't help that it was fall, and they were in tight dresses. August had brought a sweater, but she always ended up giving it to Honey because she was the smallest, and therefore got the coldest the fastest.
As Melody went to comment on August's dress, a black Mustang pulled up to the curb.
Diamond went up to the car, and leaned forward. “Hey there, sugar. What you looking for?”
He cleared his throat before speaking lowly, “I'm looking for Candy.”
Diamond turned around with wide eyes, and walked up to August slowly. “You've got someone asking for you by name.”
August didn't recognize the car, so it couldn't be a regular. And the men that she sold herself to would never tell other people about her. She walked up slowly to the car and leaned down, with a fake smile. “You're asking for me?”
“Get in the car.”
She shook her head. “It doesn't work that way, baby. We've got to discuss prices first.”
He raised his voice a little, “I don't think you heard me. Get in the car. Now.”
She looked at him, and couldn't see anything. No details of his face, she couldn't even see a face. August looked back at the girls and waved at them.
“I should be back in an hour.”
If not, then I want you to call me. She mouthed.
August slowly got into the car and shut the door.
“Put your seat belt on,” he commanded.
She did as she was told, and as soon as she did, he took off. From zero to sixty in .2 seconds. August tried to relax, but just couldn't. The world outside was just going way too fast for her to be comfortable. She tried to focus on something else, like the fact that his car smelled like new leather and roses. White roses; that was August's favorite flower.
“Do you like caviar?” he asked.
She looked at him quickly. “This wasn't part of the deal. I have no money.”
He smirked. Now that she was sitting next to him, she could start to make out details of his face. His face was a light ivory color, and he had high cheek bones. His cheeks were sunken in a slight bit, and his eyes were a piercing green. His eyes laces were long, and so was his hair. It reached to the bottom of his neck, and what should have been hid bangs, were slicked back with what August assumed was gel. It was a jet black color and wavy.
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hi, BucknerSar. Nice to meet ya
So it seems like Wretched and Converse have covered most of the technical stuff, so let's go ahead and talk about the content. I like the concept; it's interesting and new, definitely something I haven't read about before. I can't wait to see where you take it. Also, I really like the personality of your main character and how developed she is (she's not just some prostitute).
I only had a few qualms. This was so short, there wasn't much to pick out that was wrong, but hopefully we see more of this story in the future. However, I think some details could be added to really give the story more strength and make the reader feel like we know everyone. Some descriptions of the house, the mother, etc -- like just the character's thoughts, anything. I want to really get to know these characters.
Also, I'm not quite up to date on prostitute customs, but it's under my understanding they don't just get into a car unless there's an arranged price. Seems a little unrealistic off the bat, especially with modern awareness of rapes and such.
Anyways, I'm excited to see where you take this.
xoxo Crookshanks
Hello just wanted to say good work! I love the plot and all so far very good. But make sure to check your work first like when you put eye "laces" instead of lashes which is a common mistake seeing as how I make the same mistakes as well. And also loved how you made the mother a caring type and wishes the best for her child and is actually willing to do something to male it happen. And the end when she got in the car I thought she was gonna get hurt or something but she didn't which did suprise me a bit but made me get hooked on this story. I do hope you make another one soon so keepmon writing but check it first before publishing!
Hey there, again!
I'm here for a review for you!
Keep it up, I can't wait to read more!
So, right, let's get some of the improvements out of the way first.
"His eyes laces were long"
I think that you mean "lashes" as opposed to "laces"
"been hid bangs" I think this is "his" instead of "hid"
Also, I'd suggest that you finish this with a slightly more dramatic ending. I mean, the final sentence, as the reader is abruptly cut off after your introducing to this new character.
So something like:
"August wondered where she was going. She had a feeling the night was going to be long. Too long" Something like that, just so the reader is more like "ohh,what happens next?"
Right, onto the good stufff.
Good characters. I like Candy a lot, she seems relatable, and yet I still want to know more about her.
Good descriptions too, this really helps set the scene and I like it!
-CFG