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Young Writers Society


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The Reckless Years: Chapter 1 Part 2

by BubblegumGoddess


After my shift ended, I locked up the shop and began my trek down the familiar sidewalk. The moon hung high and full, yet three thick clouds masked its much needed light. Several cars flew by, the wind from their speed sending goosebumps down my bare legs. I hugged my gray knitted cardigan closer and picked up my pace in hopes of making it home before another car passed by. This late August night was cooler than the previous nights. It would have been the coldest if it wasn’t for the heat radiating off the sidewalk.

After rounding a sharp corner, my home came quickly into view. The tall, vintage, white house with cast iron gates loomed over me. As I slowly pushed open the entry, the gates screeched signaling my return. I creeped up the stepping stones that lead to the crooked front porch. After digging around in my cloth bag I pulled out my collection of keys. Once I unlocked the front door, I shoved it aside releasing the familiar musk of my home. I smiled slightly.

“Mom? I’m home!” I called out after dropping my belongings on the floor besides the couch. When there was no reply, I headed into the kitchen where I typically would find Mom sound asleep. On the counter of our wooden dining table where Mom usually laid was a note instead. My mother’s handwriting informed me that she was on a last minute business trip and I was to call my father to have him check in on me. I rolled my eyes and crumpled up the paper, then tossed it into the trash. There was no way that I would call my Dad, let alone have him visit.

***

Mommy and Daddy had put me in bed a long time ago but I could not sleep. Their loud voices were drifting up from the floor boards. Daddy had lied. Mommy was sad now. I slid out of my bed and snuck over to my newly painted door. I gently lifted my small hand, and rubbed it against the blackboard surface. I slowly opened it then crept to the top of the stairs where I could hear them better. Mommy had tears running down her face and Daddy was begging her to stop crying.

“I was going to leave her. Melissa I don’t want to live with her anymore.” Daddy said in a hushed tone. Mommy ran her hands through her bright red hair, it was just like mine.

“Then leave her! It’s her or it’s us Jim.” Mommy’s voice sounded tired.

“She’s pregnant.” Daddy looked down at his feet. “With twins.”

“Then I guess the decision has been made for you. I hope you realize what this is going to do to Eleanor.” Mom began to head to the stairs and I jumped back so she wouldn’t see me. Mommy stopped right at the first step. “Get out. Don’t come back. Ill mail your stuff to your other home.”

I dashed into my room and shut the door quickly. I slid down until I was a crumpled mess on the floor. Daddy was leaving me. I swiped away my tears and examined them on the back of my hand. The moonlight caught it just right, and illuminated my skin. I smiled at that. 

Authors Note: After reading the comments, I combined the first three chapters into Chapter One and there will be a Part 4 coming out soon. Since I had already published the first three chapters, I added  'Parts' to lessen the confusion but they won't appear in the rest of the story. Thank you all for the feedback and I've taken it into consideration for the future!

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766 Reviews

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Sat Apr 22, 2017 10:20 pm
Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there BubblegumGoddess, welcome to YWS and happy national jelly bean day. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

Oh, something I should mention before I get into the actual content bit of this review. I think that the publishing center has been messing with your formatting and just thought you might want to close the gaps in between the chapters. If you're copy/pasting this over from another document, the publishing center often spaces stuff out too much. Just thought you should know.

These chapters are awfully short compared to the average chapter length on the site (1-2k) and while they're a quick read, they don't cover much ground. I'm guessing that the novel is written from at least two different points of view, since you're staking them out. But since these two are both told from the same character, you could easily combine the information together and present 'chapter 3', as a flashback within chapter 2. I think that this method of going about things would link the overall ideas better.
Chapter 2 is leaving off with the character having doubts about letting her father back into her life. Take chapter 3 as a flashback to where the doubts all began, makes a very swift intro into the arising problem, whatever it may be because I haven't read chapter 1.

The tension and drama building in the last chapter was sort of good but it was also a bit of a letdown to me. Like as soon as I thought the good fight was going to begin, it just sort of ended with the mc running off to her room. I understand it might be because of the age of the character but most kids I know (me as a kid), would stay around and try and hear what the adults were fighting about. I just imagined the character being a bit more inquisitive but remember that you've got this entire personality to create that will shape the movements of the book. I'd like to see some more definite bits about the character laid down, just so the reader gets a firmer view on how they view things.

Storm has actually brought up most of the other points I was going to rest on so I've got nothing else. I would recommend that you do another proof read scan through briefly because I just spotted a stream of typos like "Ill" where it should have been "I'll". That's really the extent of them but you know, always good to check once more.
I'm gonna be heading out now.
Have a nice day.
~Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs






Thank you for the feedback! Please check my authors note :)



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235 Reviews

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Sat Apr 22, 2017 4:25 pm
inktopus wrote a review...



Hello again, BubblegumGoddess. I just finished with your first chapter when I saw that you had posted this, so I decided to review this too. Anywhen, let's jump right into it!

Since I've already critiqued your exposition and description problems, I'll try to focus on other things instead.

First off, your chapters are incredibly short. Usually, I'd tell you that your chapters can be any length you want them to be, but I feel like you're breaking them up unnecessarily. These three chapters could have been just one chapter. It would have improved the flow immensely, in my opinion.

On to your characters, or character. We haven't really spent any time at all with anyone other than Eleanor, so she's the only one I will be discussing. I don't really know anything beyond the superficial about her. I know she works at a bookstore, her parents are separated, probably divorced, and she has some amount of disdain for her best friend. None of these things say much, if anything, about Eleanor's personality. The best way to introduce and establish a character's personality is through interactions with other characters. You haven't had much of that going on so far. Maybe in an edit, you should have her interact with someone. Is she nice, mean, polite, or rude? Maybe have her meet a stray animal. Is she afraid of animals, does she like them? Do they like her? Is she not really an animal person? Is she easily distracted? Does she hyperfocus on certain things? Those are all questions you should ask yourself and attempt to answer in your writing.

So far, Eleanor is like a blank slate. It's up to you to fill her up with personality and color.

If you have any questions, feel free to ask in a reply to this review, or to ask in a pm.

~Storm






Thanks for the feedback! Please check my authors note :)




If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
— Woodrow Wilson