Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Chapter One: Eleanor
2016
Don’t get me wrong- I know I shouldn’t believe everything I hear, especially when it comes from the mouth of my “best friend” Aubrey Steele. Yet, believing the reputation of Marley Spencer was a norm. Marley had this reputation for trouble. Throughout my three years of schooling at East End High, Marley had become a household name despite me ever really seeing her. Aubrey would go on tangents about the mischievous behaviors of Marley over the weekend. I stopped questioning these rumors half way through grade nine. There was always a multitude of people proclaiming that the great Marley Spencer had pulled off yet another amazing feat. Despite never meeting her, I admired her.
Every never ending, tedious school year was followed by prolonged secluded summers. Aubrey, being the closest thing I had to a friend, was the daughter of a gold digger to be frank. Every vacation they were somewhere far far away. Meanwhile I was stuck in the small town of Heartwood, Oregon working at the corner book store, Bonum Books. Little did I know that, that book store would be the setting of my first glimpse at adventure.
After returning from break I began the re sorting of the old hardcover books- the part of my job that I dreaded the most. Balancing on a small metal ladder, I reached up to the top of the dusty book shelf. I was desperately attempting to place the heaviest book in our collection back in its designated spot when the shrill ring of the welcoming bell, rang out. I carefully jumped down, causing a few strands of red hair to fall free from my tight bun. I quickly scurried across the creaky, wooden floorboards to the front counter where I would ramble out my customer spiel. A girl who appeared to be my age leaned casually on the granite counter top. “Hello there, I’m Eleanor, how may I help you?” I repeated for the tenth time that day.
The girl tilted her head to the side causing her platinum blonde ponytail to shift. Her full lips were painted a deep shade of mahogany and parted to reveal a cheshire smile.
“I was wondering if you carry any maps here?” She asked in a silvery tone as her turquoise eyes scanned the room around me. My brows furrowed in puzzlement. To my knowledge, all phones had GPS or with a touch of a button could display a map. Nevertheless, I hurried over to the miscellaneous pile; a stack of big cardboard boxes in which we tossed items that that were too flimsy to stand upright on their own like magazines, newspapers, random pages that had fallen from their books, and hopefully maps.
The girl followed close behind and even crouched beside me to help search through the boxes. She smelled of salt water and jasmine. Her long lashes parted from the intense squint to wide eyes full of delight.
“Perfect.” She whispered as long fingers delicately pulled out a large map with withered corners. I peered around her shoulder to see that it was a map of all the roadways in the United States.
Together we stood up and walked back over to the front desk so I could cash her out. Placing the map on the counter she began searching her distressed jeans. After she finally fished out a wrinkled envelope, she carelessly tossed it on the counter. On the envelope was written messily in pen “Marley’s Tips.” The girl before me was the infamous hell raising Marley Spencer.
I reached forward and grabbed the envelope, then counted out the mere two dollars for the map. Marley turned to exit the shop after scooping up her envelope, when I gave into temptation and blurted out, “Why do you need the map?”
Marley turned around with one hand still on the brass knob, smiling mischievously again. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She arched a brow as a laugh bubbled up from her throat.
“Actually yes, I do want to know. Like why a physical map? Why not use your phone?” I questioned.
“You can’t track paper, Eleanor.” Marley stated firmly, then swiftly flung open the front door and disappeared down the sidewalk. I sat down upon my rickety stool and shook my head. Whatever she was up to, I desperately wanted to know. “Curiosity killed the cat.” I reminded myself.
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140,491 Literary Works • 673,249 Reviews
Hey, BubblegumGoddess! Storm's here to do a review, so let's jump right into it!
First off, this is a fragment. I don't do a whole lot of grammar corrections, but since I was going to pull this section out for another reason, I decided that I might as well say that too. The main reason I pointed out this section is your use of the word 'reputation' it makes sense here. But from the sentence after it, I get the idea that this isn't the word you want to use. Maybe 'rumors regarding' would work better than 'reputation of.'
Setting up your story is very important. But expositing is not a good way to go about it. Don't just feed the information to your audience with a spoon. A better way to have done this would have been to have Aubrey tell Eleanor about what Marley got up to over the weekend. Don't have them have these 'as you know' conversations, where they talk about things that they already know about just for the benefit of the audience, but introducing Marley's status through gossip about what she got up to would work quite well.
There's lots of exposition in this paragraph too. You also have a 'little did I know' sentence. In my opinion, those should never be used. They're a writing cliche, and they make your foreshadowing painfully obvious.
Overall, the writing in this wasn't bad at all. You had two main problems, too much exposition and less than spectacular descriptions. I feel like I've gone over the exposition problems enough, so I'll try to explain the issues with your description.
It felt like you would randomly describe things, and none of it had any meaning or purpose. You also just tell us that these things are an adjective. For example:
A better way to describe the stool would to say that the stool wobbled as she sat down on it. Verbs are a great way to replace adjectives and adverbs.
That's about all I have to say. Feel free to reply to this review or pm me with any questions you may have.
~Storm
Hello, BubblegumGoddess!
Beautiful chapter you have here! I really want to know what happens next. Just a few minor concerns:
"Together we stood up and walked back over to the front desk so I could cash her out. Placing the map
on the counter she began searching her distressed jeans. After she finally fished out a wrinkled envelope, she carelessly tossed it on the counter. On the envelope was written messily in pen “Marley’s Tips.” The girl before me was the infamous hell raising Marley Spencer."
***Fix the space between those two 'paragraphs'.
"Marley turned around with one hand still on the brass knob, smiling mischievously again. “Wouldn’t you like to know.” She arched a brow as a laugh bubbled up from her throat."
***Replace the period after know, with a question mark.
“You can’t track paper Eleanor.” Marley stated firmly, then swiftly flung open the front door and disappeared down the sidewalk. I sat down upon my rickety stool and shook my head. Whatever she was up to, I desperately wanted to know. “Curiosity killed the cat.” I reminded myself."
***Add a comma after 'paper'. And how does Marley know Eleanor's name? That's a good hook there, but kinda creepy...
Overall, beautiful little story, kind of cliche but cute, descriptions were PERFECT and I really want to know what happens next! Good job on your debut in teen fiction!
Thank you so much for the feedback! I copied and pasted it from a different platform which messed up my paragraphs and I didn't check so thank you for pointing that out! And Marley knows Eleanor's name because that is how she greets customers; %u201CHello there, I%u2019m Eleanor, how may I help you?%u201D I repeated for the tenth time that day."
The quote is supposed to say "Hello there, I'm Eleanor, how may I help you?" I repeated for the tenth time that day." It appeared on my screen with numbers and symbols in it where they didn't belong so hopefully this will clarify that little mistake!
Ohh, okay, thanks!
Makes sense now!