Published February 27, 2010
Grace ran away today
but I think it's all right
Because it's balmy May
She's one to run without delay
but never miss a fight
Grace ran away today
She'll be back when dawn is gray
just the beginning of light
Because it's balmy May
She has never been one to stay
She will be back when it is right
Grace ran away today
I'm not concerned, I'm happy to say
She won't get cold tonight
Because it's balmy may
Maybe in soft grass she'll lay
And the 'skeeters will not bite.
Grace ran away today
Because it's balmy may
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Is this a villanelle? It's very, very well done, considering that these poems can be some of the hardest to write. You pulled it off rather nicely; the tone and rhyming compliment the story and give it an eerie feel. My only nitpick would be that the first lines of your stanza seem a bit forced and don't really make sense. For instance:
She's the one to run without delay, perhaps?
When was the dawn ever gray? If this is a metaphor, what is it supposed to symbolize?
I don't like this line. Firstly, it doesn't sound right, and secondly, I'm not too fond of narrators who are unsure of themselves. Narrators should know what they are talking about in the poem, and thus I would get rid of the maybe. It flows nicer, sounds better, and makes more sense.
Other then that, I couldn't really find anything that bothered me. You've got a nice tone and this was very well written. Anyway, drop me a PM if you have any questions.
Really awesome! Very nice wording. *LIKED*
'Ullo and welcome to YWS
Right with this poem I think that you've got a very good notion for good vocabulary and portrayals it's just a little frail and rough around the edges. The narration and tone are wonderfully crafted though. I think you need to rebel a little more, perhaps break out of the style, because the "because it's balmy May", like Matt mentioned, seems out of place. This is easily fixed if you mess about with the structure of your stanzas and lines. Throw the rhyme out and perhaps focus on the message and rebel through structure, no?
I also think that adding more punctuation will give the poem more rhythm and fluency and might even fix the bits sounding out of place. You rarely include a fullstop/period, comma or semi-colon so perhaps more frequent uses of these would improve the sound of your poetry.
Otherwise, i love it. You're very good at the voices and tones, so you show some excellent imagery and it tells a tale, so well done.
Keep it up,
~Ben
Hi! Well done on trying this style of poetry, personally I find it very difficult and don't like writing like that at all, but you've done it quite well. I'm not sure about the line "because it's balmy May", because in places, such as the first stanza, I wasn't sure of its relevance to the rest of the stanza. I just wondered why she wanted to run away in May, really, and why it's okay that she ran away in May. Also in the last stanza, "lay" is past tense, so it really should be "she'll lie", but then that wouldn't rhyme. All in all, pretty good, and kudos for giving it a try because I find these pretty hard to write well.
A good attempt on a very complex poem. Needs some work. lovely. Sounds as if the young girl is in the Great Plains