Published November 19, 2009
I made this around Halloween, but I see no harm in posting it now:
Trick or Treats
The sun fades slowly
I sigh and get up
Then head for the door
I flip up a switch
And the front yard glows
I open a bag
and pour some sweets in
To a bowl with countless spiders
Painted outside and in
I look out the window
And on the sidewalk I see
Little demons all dancing
And skipping with glee
The doorbell rings
And I drop the bowl
I pick some Dots
Which spilled from their box
And give them to the witch outside my door
She smiles weakly, then skips away
As I pick up the candy
And prepare for the dark end of the day.
Any good? Reviews appreciated.
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141,432 Literary Works • 674,412 Reviews
This was wonderful. I really like this kind of writing, and your style in general. Very good, in my eyes. There was a certain point where I felt it was out of beat; [quote]And I drop the bowl
I pick some Dots
Which spilled from their box/quote]
Other than that, I really did think this was great. It had a very interesting point of view, which I remember wondering about as a kid in Halloween, as in, I wonder what that person thinks while handing me the candy? This was very interesting and I enjoyed it. If you post anything else, please PM me.
Ofir
Hello! Call me Freak, if you like.
Well let's start:
Pretty much you need a lot of commas, I wold post them, but there are just too many. Make sure to re-read you piece so you know where to put your commas, remember, every time you pause there should be a comma.
The flow, like ScriboErgoSum, is kind of bad in this spot. Try to give it a little rhythm.
Other than those, you are very good at writing, and keep it up.
Hi Brushfire!
But again, it's not really clear what you were going for there.
Just to let you know, the rule is to do two reviews for every poem or story you post. Since you're new, it's fine that you didn't know that, though. Just go out and give some reviews now.
Okay. On to your poem.
First of all, your rhyming seems a little weird and irregular. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but I'd prefer it to be all rhymed or else all unrhymed.
Your concept about an adult's view of Halloween is cool, but I don't really see what point you're making. I don't know what the adult here is thinking. Is she thinking wistfully of the days when she used to go trick-or-treating? Or is she thinking how unruly the kids are these days? Or how cute they all look dressed up? Something else? I don't really get any sense of emotion from your poem.
I do like the part about dropping the candy. Seems like that could symbolize something... sinister? I don't know, maybe that's just me.
One other thing I want to mention is rhythm. Your rhythm is a little bit choppy in places. Such as here:
I open a bag
and pour some sweets in
To a bowl with countless spiders
Painted outside and in
The third line disrupts the flow of the piece, and I don't like the repetition of the word "in" in the second and fourth lines. Just a suggestion, maybe you could change that.
Overall, cool idea and I think this would be great if you cleaned it up a little bit!