Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,225 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
In the beginning you wrote, "As we crashed through the glass,". I think you should add a bit more description into it, maybe describing how the glass hit the windshield or something. (Like hail-sized glass smashing into the windshield or something of that sort.)
If you add a bit more description within the text, I'd be able to imagine it more, but apart from that, I could see it.
I like the demand in their voices as well.
It was written fabulously, and I hope to read more one day.
Would you mind reading my work? I'd love to be critiqued by you.
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
Okay, this is just a pet peeve, but I can't stand the name Kayden, but that's just me. Moving on to the review, this was great. It played out so well. Smooth like butter. Seriously, I was about half way through and got distracted with something else. Then when I came back, I was searching for the video about a bank robbery I had been watching. It took me a few minutes to figure out I had been reading this instead.
I found this part funny. Not only in a comical, satirical sense, but also in the fact that I could see myself doing this sort of thing, if I were to ever rob a bank. Not that I have
Anyways, adding parts like this in give your characters a much larger sense of humanness. Having characters that do everything perfect and just know things makes them seem like super humans, and they're not. So good job.
I'd love to see a little play on words here. Maybe something like, "This is the M5. That means I could kill five men in one second."
It may not be what you want to portray, though.
Speaking honestly, there were practically no grammatical errors or points where I thought, "this just doesn't fit." Which is a really good thing, because if they're there, I notice. Perhaps not the most elegant piece of writing, but it definitely fits into the Action and Adventure genre, and kept me entertained all the way through. Your style is simplistic, which is probably a good thing because it allowed me to envision the story playing out in my mind, without ever having to stop and wonder, "what am I supposed to learn from this."
Is fun, for the sake of having fun, and that's always fun
Really good job.
Thank you Brunnera!
Thanks for your considerate review! It really made
Hi there! I'm here for a review. ^_^
Firstly, I'd like to go on to the nitpicks.
"“Whoa,” Kayden breathed out, stunned."
As far as I know, 'stunned' brings a meaning that the person is in an unconscious state, maybe hit in the head by a hard object. In this situation, were you trying to say that Kayden was recovering from the intensity of the scene? I thought so.
Reading the second line, "“I didn’t know you knew how to drift!” He teased, the puckish grin hidden underneath the mask.", it seems that they were surprised at the character's driving. Comparing the first line with the second, I assume that Kayden was surprised, too. So I'd put it this way: "Whoa," Kayden breathed out, confounded.
I would put it this way if you were applying that Kayden was shocked from the violent swish of the car: "Whoa," Kayden breathed out, shocked/frightened.
Because I've read most of your short stories, I came to realize that you tend to mix up the past and present tense. Watch out for that the next time you write.
I feel that you need to improve on character development; explain more on their physical appearance. Here's an example: "Jumping over the marble counters, my discovery was terrified workers."
You should explain their posture; were they crouched, terrified? Or were they standing by the time your character jumped over the counter? I think you can do better.
This turned out to be a very brief review because I was rushing it a lot. >_< As far as I was concerned, I couldn't spot any other errors.
Throwing the mix-up of present and past tense aside, this story is really intriguing. You have a vast knowledge of words and they were correctly used; no wrong in that. I envy how you can write this well for your age. >_<
It was quite short for a robbery scene, I expected a lot of intensity. You could insert, "I fired a shot to the ceiling, a small amount of plaster spilled onto one of the worker's heads. They were terrified at the deafening blare(...)" but I'm pretty sure you can add more to that. ^
Overall, this was another great work. I'm sure the readers will enjoy it as much as I do. I have nothing much to say here, but an action scene like this should be more descriptive.
Well done! Keep it up!
-Lisa
Yes, the exact kind of review I needed!
Alright, so he workers need description xD I'll keep that in mind. Though I haven't actually realized any of the past/present tense mistakes... can you please point out specifically where? It will be very helpful ^_^
This robbery scene was never meant to include any deaths, because Kayden and the narrator are afraid of jail time, as stated in the story.
Btw you are the same age as me xD you're awesome at writing too
Very interesting! This is the only part of your novel I have read and this was very intriguing! I see no issues, grammatically or plot-related. Good job! Everything was laid out simply and easy to read. Keep up the good work!
Thank you!