I wrote this to test my abilities to describe a certain situation. I wanted to see if I could write a story with precise and perfect description. Please give me advice to improve.
Lyra ran as fast as her legs could carry her.
Overhead, thunder rumbled in the large black clouds which hung low in the heavens. The indication of a concerningly great storm brewing was not noticed by the villagers of Golyath. As the clouds drew nearer to the large village, it threatened to make the calamity which had already fallen onto the villagers even worse.
The Earth groaned and the ground shook violently. People screamed for help and mercy as they lose their balance and fall. Suddenly, with a deafening sound similar to the crackling of a fire cracker, the ground parted—revealing to those on the surface a dark and endless abyss.
Innocent villagers and small buildings are swallowed by the endless abyss whereas others run for their lives. Some people cling to the lips of the deep hole, desperately hanging on to grasp at nothing, only to end up letting out one final cry of despair before they fall to their death.
Proud homes which once belonged to happy families crumbled to the ground, leaving nothing but dust and rubble to bury the bittersweet memories. People shout above the screams for help, hoping to find their loved ones who have disappeared amid the confusion and disaster, whereas others cry and sob, holding dead bodies of family members and friends close, no longer willing to run away from the inevitable catastrophe.
Lyra was running past the entire calamity with tears streaming out of her aching golden eyes, her chest heaving unsteadily as she struggled a balance of air between crying and keeping her breath, the soles of her feet cut and bleeding from stepping on broken glass and sharp objects. Despite all this pain, she ran without looking back.
She had lost her parents. She had lost her brother. She had lost her cousin. She had lost her best friend. All of them told her to run and Lyra stubbornly did not listen. She tried to help them through the disasters and injuries, instead only ended up watching them die in her arms or before her eyes.
Watching the gore and their demise had mentally scarred her. Lyra had no other purpose in the village—now, she was running to escape with her life.
The clouds now hung directly above Golyath, groaning loudly and terrifyingly, threatening the villagers below. A bolt of lightning struck one of the buildings, setting it ablaze. The fire quickly spread.
As dead bodies were burned to ash, Lyra made her way swiftly past falling towers and broken bits of stone and metal which had once been part of Golyath. The village gates came into her view. Normally, a person would be elated at the sight of the gate—but not Lyra.
Going through those gates would mean leaving her family behind. It would mean leaving her memories behind. The fire would engulf the village she was raised in and destroy everybody in it. However, her loved ones wanted her to live, to survive, to carry on and live for them.
The fire spread over to grand, stone-made entrance to the village. The flames weakened its structure and it slowly crumbled down—but not before Lyra managed to jump past the village territory.
She threw herself past the gate—which was tumbling down above her—and she rolled to a stop a safe distance away when the rubble blocked the entrance completely. She lied there for a little longer, coughing terribly in the thick dust.
When it cleared, Lyra looked up in fear as she heard the screams of dismay when villagers found they were trapped. She heard them burn hopelessly in the fire, die when they were smashed by rubble, their screams fading when they slipped into the abyss—the catastrophe proved too much for her.
Standing back up on her weak and trembling legs, she used the last of her energy to run into the forest to get away from her falling village. She ran for about ten minutes, until she found herself on a cliff overlooking the entire of her village.
Had she stood there a few days earlier, she would see a proud village with tall, strong buildings and colourful homes. The gates would be shut close and well protected. The everyday business occurring in the village would carry on as usual. The sky would be blue and the sun would be shining brightly.
However, what Lyra was staring at now was very different from what she would have liked it to be.
The sky was dark and rumbling with thunder—the sun was nowhere to be seen—the sky was grey. The village was fire, rubble and bodies everywhere. Cries and screams were a soft murmur from where Lyra stood. The abyss was terrifyingly huge from her view. Her home—Golyath—was nothing but ruins.
Rain drizzled over the land, putting out the fire and clearing out the dust and haze from the calamity. As the rain became heavier and soaked her dark hair, Lyra stared at the ruins, wide-eyed with terror when she finally realized a horrifying truth which had befallen her as the only survivor.
Trembling, she fell on her knees and buried her face in her hands. Everybody was dead.
She was alone.
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140,225 Literary Works • 673,047 Reviews
Hey. Are you like seriously 16? You wrote better stories than I did ! I just like them <3 Keep it up though. Looking forward to maybe learn something from your writings
I've read this for more than three times now. It's absolutely breathtaking. HOW DO YOU DESCRIBE THIS PRO ME JELLY T.T
xD TEACH ME YOUR SKILLZ, MASTER
I couldn't spot any typos, or grammar mistakes. But, as shulchan said earlier, I now realize that there were a few places where you got confused between past and present tense.
But overall I can't give any corrections, because this is simply amazing (Y) It should be featured in the Spotlight. ^_^
Keep writing stories like this! I'd love to see more.
I know this is a very, very short review, but I'd like to tell you how awesome this story is. (Y) Bravo!
-Lisa
Thanks so much! xD
You're ability to describe everything in this story was breathtaking! I felt like I could see the earth splitting and feel the villagers torment throughout the story. Bravo! The ending was just heartbreaking. Lyra all alone after everyone around her died, I mean talk about some survivors guilt! Your imagination is wonderful, if you keep this up you'll be competing with Stephan King some day!
XD thank you so much for your review! :3 it made me really happy
I am so worked up right now about all the emotion that I can feel in this story that I can barely write this review. I loved it, but there are things I would like to know, such as:
What is this apocalypse? Is it a storm? I'm not quite sure. Otherwise you were great. There was just enough detail that I knew pretty much what was going on, yet not enough to bore me. That is an accomplishment within itself. But how you put the emotion into the story, it is great (for lack of a better word).
Thank you for your review :') I'm glad my story has the emotion I wanted it to have. Well, I intended this to be the start of an apocalypse. Golyath is isolated from the world in a vast forest so I just figured a great storm, fire and earthquake would be reasonable disasters.
I'm so happy you enjoyed it.
I thought it was freaking epic, I had one trouble; I could have read it wrong.
"until she found herself on a cliff overlooking the entire of her village." Was it suppose to be read like that or I'm not sure if I read it right. LOL
I like your voice for this book; dark, not complicated but not simple, medium length sentences. I think you succeeded your tasking in adding lots of detailing. The ending about the rain pouring on the town, just made me love the story more cause I could picture it all.
I super duper enjoyed this short story (I think it's a short story). The main character Lyra is likeable cause she's caring and sensitive and I think you got the name Golyath from Adventure time. I was like Wait a minute. Where have I heard that name lol THis was really good and you are a good writer. Simply impressed with your work. BUT>>>>>>
I think the ending was a bit clique ahahahahahahahahahahahaha lol SMILEY FACE!
You were just great, I had to reply!
Hiya!
So the first thing I noticed was the first line. Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with the first line, but I just think that "as fast as her legs could carry her" is pretty overused, and I felt you could've done better just by saying "she ran". It's short and concise and very dramatic.
Anyway, I kept reading, and the next thing I noticed was your tenses-
Here you switch between past/ present tense. It's not a big deal, just try and watch out for it.
Also, I felt the idea was pretty generic. This is basically the same apocalypse as every other one I've read. You brought nothing new to the genre. If you were to continue this, I would suggest making it more original, crafting your world into something more unique.
I know you wrote this mainly for the description, but I don't really have anything to say on that. You did a great job. You gave me a clear idea of what was going on without being overly descriptive, and everything flowed very nicely. You managed to blend the action seamlessly with the description, which is something a lot of people have trouble with. So bravo. The only thing I would really suggest is using short, quick sentences to make it more dramatic. It's mainly action- so kinda just try to make the writing match the pacing and the plot.
Anyway, to wrap it all up, I think this was very well written and dripping with potential. I especially loved the last line, the way it was isolated from everything else for effect. You're definitely very talented and if you ever decided to continue this I would love to read more.
Hope I helped!
Thank you
I will, of course, work on my tenses. For the few years I've been writing I do tend to mix up past tense and present tense a lot xD I'm glad you liked my short story :3 if I'm in the mood then maybe, just maybe, I would write some more short stories similar to this to practice on my writing.
This reminded me a lot of the Aeneid at times, which is pretty impressive. Overall I thought it was enjoyable an well written, but there were a few problems.
The largest of these problems was that you switched back and forth from past tense to present tense a couple of times. The majority of the piece was in past tense, but you slipped into the present a couple of times so I would keep that in mind next time you're writing.
Another problem, nothing to do with writing style, is that Lyra was already running when the disaster started, apparently having already watched her family die. Did they die due to something unrelated, or had the disaster already hit wherever she was running from? That small point didn't quite make sense to me.
I know you said that this piece is specifically designed to practice description, but I would say that occasionally you go over the top on describing one specific thing, which disrupts the flow of the story. We don't need to know that 'innocent villagers and small buildings' fell into the abyss, nor that 'watching the gore and their demise' had mentally scarred Lyra, nor that her legs were 'weak and trembling.' Honestly, this is more of a personal point then anything, and it's certainly not a huge issue, but I would say that in general, in terms of description, less is more. Oh, and when you're using to adjectives to describe something, remember to put a comma between them.
A similar point is that if you've already described something in detail, then you need to refer to it again later, unless you've got another completely perfect description which you're itching to get down on the page, I would recommend that you refer to it in as simple terms as possible. For example, once you've already described the 'dark and endless abyss,' when you refer to it later you don't need to call it the 'deep hole' or 'endless abyss' again. Simply 'hole,' 'abyss,' or 'chasm' would do.
As I said, most of these points are very small, and I think it's a very good piece in general, but there's always room for improvement. Keep writing!
EDIT: Oh, interesting fact of the day: did you know that originally, the words 'revelation' and 'apocalypse' were pretty much interchangeable, both meaning 'the coming to light of great truth,' and it's only recently that apocalypse has come to mean 'a big, world-changing disaster.'
Thank you for your advice! C: this is guaranteed to help me out a lot-- and yes, I'll be sure to be careful with my tenses. And to keep in mind that less is more xD overall im very happy with your review. Thank you for helping me
i enjoyed the story. nice:)