There once was a time of the Third Children. A time when the Government allowed adults to have only two children. This was of course, for fear of world hunger. There was, as in any society, rule breakers who had three or on very rare occasions even four. Those third children, who were not exactly a rarity but were kept hidden from a special police force called the Population Police, were called, the Shadow Children.
After years of secret plotting the Shadow Children set themselves free. The Government was reduced to making meager requests to the people. The Shadow Children lived their lives as normal people. Most lived their lives fully though some were killed by old agents.
Then finally to the Government’s great joy, all of the former Shadow Children had died. It was the beginning of a new generation. The Government brought themselves back into power. They tried to earn back the people’s trust with promises of immortality. Of course the people were not ignorant. The people waited until the time came for the Government to show them what they really wanted. Proof.
Luckily for the Government their scientists had concocted an antiserum that could withhold the Government’s promise. The Government mass produced the antiserum and distributed it to everyone. Along with the antiserum the people got a warning not to do anything with the antiserum until given further instruction.
Days passed and finally, everyone was told to turn on their televisions to channel 12 at 9:00 that same day. Of course everyone did what they were told. At exactly 9:00, as everyone was settling in to watch channel 12, the president began his nationwide broadcast.
“Do not be alarmed. I have some things I need to say. Number one: You may drink the antiserum now and you will be immortal. Number two: I am now your leader. And Number three: I have hired new Government Police. They will ensure that you follow my new rules.
“The rules are as follows: Now that you are immortal you are not aloud to reproduce. This will keep the human race from going hungry for sure. Also you are once again forbidden to consume junk food. And your final rule is that you are not under any circumstances aloud to leave the continent. Our bordering countries who share this continent are now also under my control. Punishment for violators are as follows: death or life in prison, depending on the judges rule.
“Now I shall discuss with you the antiserum. It is very complex and you should pay close attention. The antiserum keeps you from dying of natural causes such as sickness or death of old age. You can however be killed of course by gunshot or a more formal execution such as a beheading. Your aging process does not stop. You will continue to age until your 100th birthday. On midnight of that day you will return to the age you are now. This pattern continues forever, it is an eternal reoccurrence.
“Thank you all for your cooperation you may now return to your normal lives.”
The people at home were baffled. Hours later the Government Police showed up at everyone’s door demanding the kids and teenagers that lived there. Before dawn all children were pulled out onto the front lawns of every house on the continent. At exactly 6:00 A.M. gun smoke filled the air and blood stained the grass and leaked onto the pavement as every child on the continent was gunned down. Parents everywhere were in mourning over their lost souls. There wasn’t even one child on the continent.
Until 10 years later.
End of chapter
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141,639 Literary Works • 675,304 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: OKayy..well this was an interesting little tale of sorts here. I think you've managed to build up what has been a very interesting little world here and it does pull you in quite a bit. There are a couple of somewhat nitpicky issues here, but besides that, this is pretty solid I think.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Um...okay, far from being a first chapter, this one is currently reading like the start of some sort of documentary on the history of this one world here. Its not a bad thing by any means, its a unique direction to take this particular tale in and I think it makes things quite interesting here, but hmm, well, let's see where this is trying to go here. So far it appears you're attempting to sort of setup the world here.
Okayy...well this technique of narrating it all out is continuing here for quite some time, it appears this whole part might center on this bit of setup that feels like it perhaps is set in the past from where this story actually begins. At any rate, this whole immortality situation, the children thing and this government are proving to be pretty intriguing at the moment.
That just sounds like what the jellyfish do..so it is actually a pretty unique little take on immortality there. I don't quite believe I've seen anything like it before, and the whole idea of this government taking so much freedom away from its people while providing this whole immortality thing also makes for an interesting little conundrum here, because you do wonder what the reasons are behind all of this.
Uhhh, the sheer number of police officers required to pull this coordinated attack off at the same time just seems impossible, because assuming a minimum of person per house, that is way to many. At this point I don't see how there aren't any actual parents of said children killing more children, its just not a practical to have that whole dramatic display, but it is a pretty intense moment there. I think it couples quite well with that ending there to create a pretty dramatic little cliffhanger.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this makes for a solid little premise here. With what you've got going on, I also think it manages to be interesting enough that I find myself wanting to know more here. On the whole, its a fairly solid piece I'd say.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Actually It is chapter one but I just called it Part One.
This sounds familiar....Like it is what happened after that book series ended.
It sounds like an Apocalypse for that continent. Obviously I would suggest to you to make it a happy ending..
People can only take only so much sadness. Back to the Apocalypse suppose there was a series of bombings almost everyone would die.
People would get tired of living and kill themselves. Then eventually the government would disappear.
But if that's your happy ending i'd prefer you not to write it. People would be angry because they wasted their time reading the book. It would also help to make an actual chapter about the making of the serum.
These all are suggestions.
Hello there
I actually thought this was a first chapter, but now that I see it's part one...let's forget about it. Anyway, I liked this a lot. Although the whole story was crammed into one place just like the storytelling, I thought the plot showed a lot of potential. I only have one piece of advice; next time, try to develop your ideas a little bit more to improve the storytelling. You seemed to skip from one idea to another leaving me hanging on the first one. I did not feel satisfied about the shadow children escaping and being killed, it's like too short. This was like a synopsis instead of a story. But as I said before, the plot is great so good job on that one
Keep writing