Published March 10, 2009
The first paragraph of a story. It's based off my time in group therapy for excessive drug use. I don't know weather to continue it or not. I don't think I started off right.
(I changed all the names, by the way.)
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"My name is Bethany." She started, folding her hands in her lap. She gave a nervous glance around the room, and felt uncomfortable. Everyone in the room was glaring. They were judging her with their eyes. She knew it. She reached a hand to her face and ran a finger along one of her scars. They're all hypocrites, she thought, they're all here for the same reason I am. She took a gulp and continued.
"And I started when I was 14." The group leader gave her an annoyingly bright smile and nodded her head, encourging her to continue.
She decided just to finish with "that is all."
"Good job Bethany!" The group leader, who's name was Melinda, said brightly. "Okay, you next."
A skinny blonde girl with a long sunken in face and tiny features was next. Her voice came out as a whisper.
"Hi. I'm Lilly."
She seemed like she was done talking.
"And...?" Melinda urged.
"I started using when I was 16."
"Good job!" Melinda encouraged, flashing her a teethy smile.
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140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this is not something you run into too often here, it seems like maybe unlike a few first paragraphs I've run into before this one falls into a category where the amount we have to work with here is kind of too short to really judge all that much on, but then I will give it my best shot here.
Now...as far as the dialogue in this scene goes, I think it nails the sort of vibe you expect. We have the person leading it being far too happy for the situation involved and just tension being built from every other corner. The thoughts of the main character there to start off really adds quite nicely to this too. I think it sets the tone very well and its a tone that continues nicely through the dialogue to follow.
So...based on that I'd say this is a good start really for the sort of scene that you're saying this will turn out to be. Its hard to judge beyond the atmosphere and the dialogue because that's really all there is here, I can't say much on the characters or their surroundings.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I agree with needing more description. Not only is this a short piece (which I understand you were just wanting to know whether or not to continue, and I assure you, I'd love to read it if you did continue), but I'd like to know how the place looked, felt, SMELLED...how the air even TASTED.
Does the air taste different in rehab?
I wouldn't know.
But I do want to.
This is good but it needs more description. Keep it up!
Hey Brooke, and welcome to YWS! Just so you know, we have a rule here that you should have at least 2 reviews for every piece you post. You have one, so you only need one more! (For it to be counted, a review must be at least 250 characters.)
Okay, on with the review.
First of all, methinks you need a quick dialogue grammar tutorial!
"You smell like peaches." He said.
That's what you did in your first sentence, but it's wrong. It should be:
"You smell like peaches," he said.
For more info, there's a great article here.
So, there isn't much for us to work with here, is there? I'd love to see the rest of this story, but for now I'll settle for this opening part! I do think you started it out well, though of course it's a bit hard to tell without the rest. But the dialogue at the beginning is fine. I have two suggestions.
1. More description, please! As Bethany is in rehab/a support group for drugs and/or alcohol, for the first time (apparently?) I feel like she should be taking it all in, you know, the harsh fluorescent lights, how Melinda has lipstick on her teeth, the dirty coffee mug on the counter that says World's Best Dad. Of course, those are just examples. I just want to know more!
2. On wording. Some of the wording could be a little awkward, eg, she reached a hand to her face or she took a gulp. It would probably sound better if it was simply she gulped, you know? Otherwise it can sound weird. This is a great article on diction, if you're interested. I also find that it helps to read the piece out loud, and then you can really tell what sounds good and what doesn't.
So! As I said before, I think you do have a good start here. But next time, try not to worry about that, and just write the story. Then once you have a rough draft finished, you can go back and edit it or post it on YWS or whatever. That way, you keep the momentum, and you're not constantly editing...otherwise it would never be done.
Keep it up, I hope you do continue this! PM me if you need any help!
-Mars