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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Hi, Brooke!
This is a neat song. It's not typical to hear (or read) a song about being scared of teenagers, but yeah. There are totes some scary teenagers out there. Deeefinitely understood the message and could relate to it. Which is certainly a good thing!
I actually like how you used this. When I first saw it, I was a bit... meh. But you used it effectively enough to where I didn't mind it. It was awesome. And your stanzas tended to back up the speaker's perspective!
Now this. I love this line. In fact, I want so much more. It seems like 50% of the song's story smashed into one line. I didn't get the impression the speaker was afraid of turning into scary teenager. I just imagined a very scared, innocent kid. This, however, gives an entirely different perspective. Either put something else here or, what I like better, tweak the song to follow this as well. Then again, maybe that's too much for one song, too. It's up to you!
The lines quoted above were awkward to read. I don't know how they sound with the music, so only lightly consider this. However, the flow was broken when reading these last lines. Especially the stanza belonging to the second quote since the stanza didn't follow the structure used previously. Consistency is a good thing, especially for structured works. Food for thought!
Finally, I wonder if there could be a little more explanation (i.e. rewording) to give a better impression of fear. That would help create a more effective ending since that last line is, in fact, a creepy one. It should technically give some goosebumps to the reader/listener. So just consider a better build-up of sympathy from the reader!
It's a nice start, so taking a look at a few spots will help pull it together into a piece that's easier to comprehend for the reader/listener.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!