Feeling alone.
So, so alone.
The icy grasp of bitter pain overtakes her,
Whispers of darkness like daggers to the heart.
Her entire essence is overcome by the torment.
She has come to love the pain,
But also to hate it.
She wants it gone,
But it seems to be her entire being.
She would be a numb shell of nothingness without it,
So she cries.
Her crimson teardrops fall to the floor.
Drip,
Drop,
Drip,
Drop,
The crimson tearsdrops, now a cascading red stream.
Darkness envelops her.
She welcomes the end.
But a brilliant light shines through the darkness,
Pulls her through, into the world once again.
Wipes away the crimson tears,
Wraps her in a warm embrace.
Sweet, melodious lullabies of love and joy tickle her eardrums.
A smile plays on her face.
The smile erupts into a laugh.
A laugh of pure joy.
A laugh that had not once been heard before.
Love is healing her.
Mending her heart.
Forever, she will carry the scars,
But this battle has been won.
Love has won, as love never fails.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with Fade on the drop drips. Also, I feel as if there is no exact rhythm. I mean the rhythm doesn't have to be the same, but you could at least try to make it sound somewhat natural. There are phrases all over the place. What can be better is if you separate stanzas. I know it's hard on this site, but use these: * in between the stanzas. That's what I did after I found out that the website altered my setup. Otherwise, this is a good poem that just needs a little tweek.
Hi there! Review Mode:ON
Okay, so this was really sad yet enjoyable. A few things I must criticize:
First, you've spaced things out wrong. Instead of each line being separate, try splitting them up into paragraphs instead.
Also, you used too many periods, which breaks up the flow as it seems to come to constant stops. Try using commas, perhaps!
Related to that, this line:
Try doing something like this instead. 'Drip, drop, drip, drop.'
Another thing is the use of the words 'crimson teardrops'. Try doing something else so readers don't get bored, like just 'tears' or 'teardrops' or 'red tears'. You're poem seems pretty predictable if you use the same words over and over, and we don't want that.
Finally,
Try adding an 'It' at the beginning, it will sound and feel better.
Overall, great work, I really liked it!
~Fade