Young Writers Society

this poem is creepy but, like the user above said, it has something realistic about it!

fallsforyoueasily Posted: Thu Sep 25, 2008 3:56 am Post subject:

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depressing and creepy, but really good.
though butterflies FADE; and where did they come from?
more details; dont stray from the subjest

Gadi. Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:53 pm Post subject:

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I didn't like this poem.

There's a reason, too.

You need to show. Not tell. And honestly, I could not find one place in the whole poem where you showed us and not told us.

Line by line, I will show you:



The butterflies fly around her
Why is it butterflies? That's so cliche. What are you trying to say by butterflies? Is it just to stylize the poem, to make it more emotional or interesting? Because butterflies are way too overused by today's aspiring poets.

As she sits in pure silence
Can you please show me? "pure silence" isn't enough for me to see it in my mind. What do you mean she sits? Where does she sit?

She pulls out her daddy's knife
She yanks out is better. And not "her daddy's knife" please. It's called show, not tell.

To slit her wrists
I think that by the title and by the way this is going, you really shouldn't tell us this. Well, you shouldn't tell us this anyway.

As the butterflies faid away
First off, it's FADE. Second off, no butterflies. And why fade away? Are they a Powerpoint presentation? Ebb away? Wing away?

There's a knock at her door
"On the door" would suffice.

She hides the knife in her mind
Why? What does that have to do with the knock? I don't get this. It doesn't move the poem along at all.

As she stands up to face the world
CLICHE. Too many people are standing up to face the world these days.


I'm not going to continue, but I hope you sorta understood what the problems are with this poem. I really didn't like, but that doesn't mean you can't make it better. Work on this one; change every single line and add a simile/metaphore/image to every single line. Add a little one-by-one. Write suicide on a sheet of paper and write everything that comes down to your mind. In your case, it's "slit wrists" and "murder" and "Daddy's knife." Now, you erase all of that and substitute every single one of these things with something fresh and interesting.

PM me when revised!

Whoa,

This poem is seriously creepy. There's something scarily realistic about it too. You made a few spelling mistakes. I've read alot of suicide poems but this is more realistic, somehow different.

Well done, keep writing.
C.C

depressing and creepy, but really good.
though butterflies FADE; and where did they come from?
more details; dont stray from the subjest

I didn't like this poem.

There's a reason, too.

You need to show. Not tell. And honestly, I could not find one place in the whole poem where you showed us and not told us.

Line by line, I will show you:



The butterflies fly around her
Why is it butterflies? That's so cliche. What are you trying to say by butterflies? Is it just to stylize the poem, to make it more emotional or interesting? Because butterflies are way too overused by today's aspiring poets.

As she sits in pure silence
Can you please show me? "pure silence" isn't enough for me to see it in my mind. What do you mean she sits? Where does she sit?

She pulls out her daddy's knife
She yanks out is better. And not "her daddy's knife" please. It's called show, not tell.

To slit her wrists
I think that by the title and by the way this is going, you really shouldn't tell us this. Well, you shouldn't tell us this anyway.

As the butterflies faid away
First off, it's FADE. Second off, no butterflies. And why fade away? Are they a Powerpoint presentation? Ebb away? Wing away?

There's a knock at her door
"On the door" would suffice.

She hides the knife in her mind
Why? What does that have to do with the knock? I don't get this. It doesn't move the poem along at all.

As she stands up to face the world
CLICHE. Too many people are standing up to face the world these days.


I'm not going to continue, but I hope you sorta understood what the problems are with this poem. I really didn't like, but that doesn't mean you can't make it better. Work on this one; change every single line and add a simile/metaphore/image to every single line. Add a little one-by-one. Write suicide on a sheet of paper and write everything that comes down to your mind. In your case, it's "slit wrists" and "murder" and "Daddy's knife." Now, you erase all of that and substitute every single one of these things with something fresh and interesting.

PM me when revised!

It sounds almost like a suicide note, creepy but good, like a small child talking about something that it is too young to talk about, but it must, if you know what i mean. It was very strange, briliant, ill remember it for a long time, its the kind of poems (i dont read that many poems lol) that will stay in your mind

Same as the person above you did misspell fade but, other then that I really liked it.
The vibe was perfect and it really reached out to me, and yes it seems suicide is an overused topic.
But, a lot of them are interesting.
--Mackenzie L.

See, I have read a lot about suicide lately, but this definitely has the edge on everything else in my humble opinion...

I did notice one little spelling mistake though...let me find it....

aha

As the butterflies faid away
There's a knock at her door

cool, love the creepy vibe
though really disturbing.... 0_o
cool pic btw

Disturbing.. good but it gives me the creeps.
UGH.


SUICIDE.... that seemes like a quite used topic now. I have seen about five of them within one month.....

Good anywayz. I don't really have anything to point out. I'll review it better tommorow.
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE WITH HIS BODYGUARD


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