You've Broken Me.

Hi, Broken! When I told you in your welcome thread to expect a review in the near future, I promise I had intended for it to be nearer than almost two months. I apologize for the tardiness.

Now, on to the poem.

I think you have a good start on this, and I hope you keep playing with it. The concept has been done many times before, so you need to really make it original. I have a few things to point out in particular. Grammar is in red, and other comments are in green.

Nitpicks:

You've left me broken
But you don't care
All you hear is my voice in a language unspokenThis line is really long, and it brakes the flow. You have thirteen syllables as opposed to 4-7ish.
You wouldn't dare
Try to help me find my light
You'd just let me fall in to the night
You've left me broken and cold.

You broke someone who can't handle the pain.

All the others I saw have already been pointed out.

General Comments:
In terms of grammar, your placements of punctuation was sort of confusing. Sometimes you put them at the end of a line that wasn't the end of a sentence, and other times, you left them off. I would suggest writing this out in a prose format and put the punctuation where the sentences are. Or, a lot of poets just leave off punctuation altogether. You also don't have to capitalize the beginning of every line.

Your rhyming didn't feel natural to me. I'm not a fan of rhyming poetry because most people will come up with the first line, then rack their brains for a word that rhymes, and try to manufacture a line to fit the rhyme. You need to write what you want to say, not what your rhyme scheme limits you to say. If you can make it rhyme, great! But it should never get in the way of your poetry. For this, I usually tell people to rewrite the poem and not worry about rhyming. Just write the first thing that pops into your head. This will give you a general idea of how you really feel about the subject and how you would freely write about it. Then, if you feel the need to rhyme, look at the words you have and see how you they (or some synonyms) could fit together.

The flow is a bit stilted. Again, I think this in a large part is due to the rhymes. Some lines feel to long and others feel too short, and I'm not sure you did it on purpose for emphasis. You may have; I don't know.

I know the title of the piece is "You've Broken Me," but you may have repeated it a little heavily. Repetition is good as long as you have a clear structure of doing it. Parallelism usually presents itself in similar grammatical structures. Here, you have:

You've left me broken

You've left me broken and cold.

You broke some one that can't handle the pain.

You broke me

It's over now you've broken me.

None of those are presented in similar grammatical structure. For example, at the end of each stanza you could say "You broke someone who..." and fill in the ellipsis with different ideas each time. I hope this is making some sort of sense.

I see a good idea behind the repetition of certain lines, but when the reader is done, he/she might feel like she has just read the same thing over and over. If you want to use the repetition of "broken" and "but you don't care," I would suggest expanding your other ideas. My best suggestion here is to make a make a short list of your ideas. Just jot down whatever comes into your head when you think about the emotion you experienced when writing this. That way, you can look at your list and make sure no ideas are repeated.


Again, I think you have a good start. I don't want to discourage you in any way. Writing is a process, and the revision and rewriting take the most effort and time. You just have to be patient. I hope you keep working on this, because I think you could really make it wonderful. If you have any questions or comments about my review, please don't hesitate to PM me. I'd be happy to clarify anything I've said. Happy writing!
-Sea-

This actually reminded me of something I once wrote way back when...

I liked how all the stanzas and verses were very direct. The way you write it does NOT make the directness clumsy or inappropriately blunt.

All you here is my voice in a language unspoken

I have not seen this particular use of words very often, that is exactly why I love it; however, when you read the entire stanza back to yourself, it seems to be a little out of place. Maybe add some more lines with a hypothetical example (or real, whatever floats your boat...) or make this into a stanza and write verses that describe more about this particular verse. I don't have any specific suggestions for that at the moment.

Try to help me find my light
You'd just let me fall in to the night

Love the last two rhyming, especially since they're two contrasting ideas. Good work on that!

The light from my eyes fell
But you don't care
You just let me fall

Here in the beginning of this stanza, fell and fall seem to be a bit redundant, even though they're in different tenses, consider replacing either word with another. A thesaurus will be your best friend in these areas of writing.

It's just not fair
.....
You broke some one that can't handle the pain.

I enjoyed the assonance between fair an pain, intended or not.

You won't even look my way any more.
You've just left me on this dark Moore.

I don't know if it's just me being my weird self again, but more and Moore seem to be a forced rhyme...then again it might just be me. I don't have any suggestions for that.

But you don't care any more
You've never cared about me.

I know a lot of people use this type of writing in stories, poetry, etc. all the time, but if you look at it closely enough, it almost doesn't make sense. What I mean by this is -- You're telling them that they don't care ANYMORE, and then stating that they never did. It indicates that either a) the speaker can't make up their mind b) the person they're talking about is crazy/bipolar/schizophrenic, etc. or c) that the speaker is crazy/bipolar/schizophrenic. Change it to something saying that you thought that they cared, but now realized that they actually didn't. It just seems to make more sense if you go through this with a fine toothed comb.

I've sholderd enough pain for me to allow

Sholdered? You probably meant shouldered. I'm not the best with vocabulary, so I looked this up on Dictionary.com before I made a complete fool of myself while reviewing. Be sure you proofread.

It's over now; or , you've broken me.

A comma or semicolon between now and you've makes it flow a bit better.

I can tell this poem was (probably) a spur of the moment thing, as most of many poems-including a majority of mine-are. The words here are eloquent but raw. If you went back and took more time to comb through this neatly and edited it a bit, it can improve greatly. But, you've already written a great piece.

Hope this helped. :]