Energy going to waste
Losing the ones you love the most
Given up hope
This is what the ending feels like.
I'm not gonna lie, I couldn't wait for this year to be over. At the same time, I think we can all say that this year taught us so much. I felt like the world was unified at one time, even if it is over the fact that we all hate 2020. A lot of us suffered loss some more than others but the fact that we made it through. I think is a blessing, it taught me so much about myself and how impatient I am how much self-control I lack and how I like to be alone sometimes, but not all the time. How much I need god. I've seen how life is so unexpected and random sometimes we can't control anything. We can think we know something and truly be way off they say that wise man truly knows that he knows nothing but I don't look at this in a bad way this is more of a growth process this is what endings feel like. Cheers to 2020! I know I'm late on this but this is my last so I might just go ahead and say it all.
This one is Your losing me( i wrote this back in 2017)
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for tonight. I know this isn't any easier for you, I know that. You know ever since I was little, I would get this feeling like I'm floating outside of my body looking down on myself, and I hate what I see. I don't know how to change it and I'm scared, that feeling is never gonna go away. What happened to you is not right.No kid should sweet girls should lose as much as we did. What mama is trying to do to protect you from losing anymore but it's happening you're losing me and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. The best thing for us to do is to prepare ourselves so it won't be a surprise. I'll stay as long as I can I promise you I will hold on to me for as long as I can and what I want is for you to hold on to you too.No more running this conversation is happening now. Why did you have to do that? You needed to pin it on me, I know that but you didn't have to make it about me? The things you knew would hurt me. You made it personal and I don't understand why you had to do that. Unless that was the point to destroy me.
me: You know when you're drowning you don't actually inhale until right before you black out.....The instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you open your mouth. Until you feel like your head is exploding. Then when you finally do let it in that's when it stops hurting. I'm fine, yeah aside from not sleeping. The jumpiness. The constant overwhelming crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen is called hypervigilance. The persistent feeling of being under threat is not just a feeling though it's... it's like a panic attack. You know like I can't even breathe
Dad: like you're drowning?
Me: Yea exactly like that.
Dad: So if you're drowning and you're trying to keep your mouth closed until that very last.....Wait why haven't you said anything before?
me: I'm trying to keep my mouth closed until that very last moment. But what if I chose to not open my mouth? To not let the water in.
mom: You'll do it anyway it's reflex
But if I hold off until that reflex kicks in I'd have more time, right?
Mom: Not much time but more time to fight your way to the surface
I guess more time to be rescued. More time to be in agonizing pain.
Dad: Did you forget about the part where you feel like your head exploding?
Me: If it's about survival... isn't a little agony worth it?
Dad: That doesn't answer the question...If you're doing this for the attention you need to stop
Me: What if it just gets worse?
Me: What if it's agony now and then...
Mom: Then it's just hell later on?
I would put more but I don't want to chase you away from this.
I'm sorry if this is too much, it's ok if you didn't like it.
This is the last thing I'm going to publish.
I haven't decided if I was going to leave YWS yet but I will inform you if I do.