Chapter 1 Lensburg
Okay pretend you’re in space, yes you’ll need a helmet. Now pretend you have the vision of a state of the art satellite that was placed into orbit. Think like Google Earth only you can actually see into people’s houses and instead of taking pictures you take video. Zoom in on a small town called Lensburg. Yep that’s it. Look to you’re left and you’ll see the Lensburg Mall. Right next to it is Sunny Days Sundaes. Look towards the town reservoir. Two blocks from the reservoir is the Lensburg high school. Then go up three blocks to the middle school. Then go up into that cul-de-sac up there. Then look for house number 58762.
No not that one. That’s their weird neighbor, whose name is unknown and no one really wants to find out what it is, the one next to it. If you were watching on Halloween you’d know that no kid ever goes to that house because they’re afraid of getting something like floss or graham crackers, but that’s not important. Look into that window. No not the bathroom, we don’t need to observe our characters that much! Try the window next to it. Yes this is the Family room of the Hanlens. Believe it or not here lives two spies. And get this; they are under sixteen!
The Hanlens are playing one of the favorite games, Monopoly Here and Now.
The man talking on the cell phone is Mr. Hanlen. He is the type of father who has a big job that nobody really knows what it is and is always on the phone yelling at someone named John. Let’s move away from him for a while, his call could last for hours, even though he’s just hung up.
The woman with perfectly styled brunette hair is Mrs. Hanlen. She is the type of woman who is the head of a various committees and organizes “family outings”. You now the type. Perhaps you’re mother is one? Perhaps not. Perhaps it is your aunt, grandmother, or some other woman in your life. Let’s move away from parents because parents have nothing to do with the importance of our story. And unfortunately they can be very, very boring, but that all depends on the parent, and that is compared to our heroes’ story.
Look at the boy with the dice that’s one of the spies, that there is thirteen year old Benjamin Michael Hanlen, but we’ll just call him Ben. He has short blonde hair, very much against the latest fashion trend of letting you’re hair grow so that it creates a mask over you’re face, and deep blue eyes. Now look at him more closely. He’s thin but, strong and there’s something about him. Something that tells you he was meant to do great things. Ben is also a very decent boy. A straight “A” student and he loves all of his family members despite their flaws. He is a true video gamer and has mastered almost every game in the house. He is also the type of person who refuses to let his boxers stick out of his pants.
Just then the lights go out. The family is sitting in a large abyss and then Mrs. Hanlen shouts, “Mark!!!” Then the lights go back on.
“Sorry,” calls Mark Jonathan Hanlen from the kitchen. Mark comes into the room, his boxers very much sticking out of his pants. When ever his mother shakes her head at this he blames Ben for being a lot bigger that he was at twelve years old. Therefore it is not his fault if his boxers hang out of his pants.
Mark is the kind of person who takes things apart and puts then back together again. Sometimes making them do other things than what they are supposed to do. For instance right now he is trying to turn the microwave into a s’more maker. So far he has not yet succeeded. Mark is almost as tall as his brother and he has brown hair and green eyes. Mark is always hyper and talks to fast for any person to understand. He also has a problem with the whole “standing still” thing.
Just then there is a loud thump from upstairs. Then another then down the stairs comes a dirty blonde girl with tan skin and bright hazel eyes. This is Mark’s best friend Zoey Olivia Lake, whom Mark sometimes calls “Z”. Zoey Lake has a mother who insisted that she be busy almost everyday. This explains Zoey’s thinness and strength. Her schedule includes karate, gymnastics, soccer, and ballet. All in all Zoey has one heck of a schedule. This is one of the things her parents disagree on. Kind of like everything else in the world. Zoey’s parents are major fighters; this is why Zoey enjoys being busy…she doesn’t have to listen to her parents fighting. Even with her four activities and school she can’t get away. This is why she has spent many nights at the Hanlen’s when her parents get into a fight. It is almost like having a sister to Mark. Between her demanding mother and school Zoey is pretty busy. But somehow Zoey always finds time to hang out with Mark. We might want to add that Zoey is the third spy here. And yes, she is twelve just like her best friend.
“Dude!” Mark yells as Zoey enters the room, note Mark is the kind of person who calls everyone dude, “Mad skills little woman, mad skills.”
They do their secret handshake which involves a series of palm slapping and ended with a knuckle punch. Zoey sits herself down between Ben and Mark as usual.
“Was up,” she says.
“Zoey, how did you get up there,” Ben asks.
“Climbed the,” Zoey explains.
“What happened to you’re cheek?” Mark asks.
“Oh,” Zoey says lightly touching the scrape, “Let’s just say I won’t be going near roses for a while.”
Just then the door bell rings and Ben hops up and jogs to the door, knowing who it is. Standing in the door way is Ben’s best friend Liam Alexander Wong. He is of Asian descent and has big green eyes. Liam’s hair is a large knot on the top of his head. If you where a mean and spiteful person who takes pleasure in taunting kids like Liam you might call him Hair-Head or just plain Hair.
“Hair,” Ben says in a non mean sort of way. Liam grins and tripped over the step into the Hanlen’s home as usual. Liam is the type of person who is a complete genius/klutz. He is very unorganized but, an absolute genius. He is thirteen like Ben. Liam lives a few blocks way with his dad, which is a good run, but, somehow arrives at the Hanlen’s in about ten minutes of the time when he left.
Liam and Ben grin at each other. Note Ben and Liam are the kind of people who grin. They don’t smile. It’s just physically impossible. Even their unsure smile is a grin. They walk into the family room and sit down.
“Hey, Mark, Zoey,” Liam says as he falls down onto the floor. Yes he doesn’t sit he falls.
Mrs. Hanlen and Mr. Hanlen walk into the kitchen saying something about no business calls during family game time. Looking after the parents the kids turn and face each other in a circle. They just look at one another. These kids are the kinds of kids who having known each other for so long can have an entire conversation by just looking at each other.
Liam has a look on his face that says have you guys been to HQ yet? The others shake their heads.
Liam now has a look on his face that says I was there and I have some pretty chilling news to share. With that all of out spies get up and walk out of the Hanlen house and head towards the soccer field just south of the Hanlen and Zoey’s neighborhood.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Heya, I kind of agree with the other about the 4th Wall thing, but if it serves an important purpose (i.e. the Narrator is actually a spy spying on the spies
I'd remove the up, just for clearance sake. Also notice you changed from Aerial View to 2-D
The space thing could be supplemented if you're going to break the 4th Wall. Perhaps the Narrator is a spy himself (See above) then why would he be in space rather than in like a tree or something, just to make it more believable. Maybe we shouldn't pretend but rather be, that could really help with an action sequence. Who is the narrator is the big question and what his like as well. Only then can you break walls appropriately.
With the house number you could just put something here for brain candy (Not fish). Like maybe the house number is a code, or the combination to his dad's safe.
? I think you should maybe try to differentiate the face reading with Italics or put it in square brackets or something.
Overall: You did well describing the characters, especially Mark and Z. I think however you should give Liam something unexpected. E.g, everyone expects a genius like Mr. Fantastic to fight tactifully and rationally, so you could make him brutal and reckless. With Ben (he's the oldest yes?) Perhaps you need to show us more of what he is. Is he the leader, if you want to make it surprising maybe Mark could lead even if he's younger, so then Ben would be jealous and push himself over his limits, it can also provide for a good reason to have Mark disobey Ben and get captured maybe.
Main Points: The Narrator and 4th Wall, if you can't define them then try leave them out.
Define the characters specialties and lives like you did with Liam and Z.
That's about it.
Well Done, I hope to read the sequel soon. Hope this helped.
Alright. Firstly I'll say that I'm not a fan of breaking the fourth wall - i.e. when the narrator speaks to the reader and seems to have a personality. The reasons for this are: a) The narrator tells you things rather than showing. b) It feels detached. You can't really get immersed in the story when there's a narrator constantly reminding you that you're being told a story, and that you aren't really there. c) You see the world through the narrator's eyes rather than a character's eyes, so you don't build much of a relationship with the characters.
That being said, I think there's a lot of wit in your descriptions of the characters, and in your narrator's voice. My advice is to give this wit to one of the characters, so we can still enjoy it, without a pesky narrator.
The other problem is that nothing happens. Basically you're just describing the characters (which you do a good job of by the way). A conflict, or foreshadowing of a conflict is necessary to get the reader's curiosity going. What I've been told by writers is that you should start the story as far in as possible, at the inciting incident, and then reveal backstory when it becomes relevant. Info-dumping at the start is a sure-fire way to not get a reader interested, and a chapter showing "the ordinary world" is boring. It used to be acceptable back when people had longer attention spans. Nowadays you've got 1 page to force the reader to continue.
The introduction was rather experimental and in this case it didn't really work out. What broke it was the narrator. The narrator took way too much time to get to the task at hand. It was fun reading the narration, but it didn't actually involve me in the story. Overall it was distracting from the story.
A briefer introduction (if you decide to tell the story instead of show the story) might be something like this.
I call it the "Just the facts ma'am," approach. The narrator stays strictly neutral, allowing the reader to focus on the story.
Unfortunately, this story has greater tasks ahead. When a reader hears that these kids are spies, it immediately brings to mind various stereotypes, which if you aren't careful, you'll run right into. It's time to ask some questions:
What traits and characteristics do these kids have that make them ideal spies? Most people go the hokey route by making the spy kids geniuses. You don't want to go there, since four child geniuses from different families within a block of one another is going to destroy all belief. A better idea is to simply make them creative. There are probably a bunch of ways to spy on people, so many and so easily that a kid could do it. All that is needed is a little creativity.
There have been a number of movies in my memory that have dealt with kids being spies. Namely, Spy Kids and Agent Cody Banks. Most of those were disappointing because they were all very hokey. It was very difficult to believe that the government would put up with such whiny brats.
What would be more interesting is if the spies are self-employed. It may be very possible that school kids need spies just as much as governments. It might make it more like Encyclopedia Brown, but with spies instead.
There is a certain art to spying and that takes time and training. Did they watch a lot of Burn Notice on Hulu? Did they go through some sort of program? Did they teach themselves? Or perhaps someone else taught them, like an ex-spy?
There are issues with characters as well. It seems like you are trying to use stock characters for the parents and that just seems like a waste of a good opportunity. What if the parents are ex-spies themselves? It would explain why these kids know so much about the business. Also, if they find themselves in a bind, they can always call on their parents for back-up, although that may not happen all the time.
I hope this helps.
Hiya! I'm Rosey and I'll be your reviewer for today.
Your opening choice was unusual, I will say. I'm not sure how much I like breaking the fourth wall like that. If this work is a comedy, then feel free to start it like that for the most part. However, I'd delete the introduction of the parents. As you say they are of no importance. If they are of no importance, then why are you spending any time on them at all? Delete the whole paragraphs and put maybe one line in there about each of them. Don't spend any more time then necessary.
I dislike how you say the parents have nothing to do with the story. These kids aren't always on their own, and they'll have to hide their spy skills from their parents, right? So, the parents will be playing some part at some point.
Overall, I enjoyed the twist of your odd hook, but I lost steam once you started spending too much time on people who didn't mater. Cut that out and focus on the MCs only, and you'll have a much smoother opening.
PM me with questions!
~Rosey