Distant Memories

You made me think of my cousin. He served in Iraq and will go back after he gets married. The character you portrayed in this poem touches on everything that my cousin is. Brave, heroic, not afraid to sacrafice himself. I really really liked it. Like, I mean, wow. Very good job. With your permission I would like to e-mail it to him. If you don't mind, I think he would like it.

Oh my, this is such an amazing piece of work! Has some imagery & the emotions were portrayed really well! This is actually the first time I've come across a piece like this. You did a great job!

Keep up!

That is an amazing poem and you really know how to get to a person. I really liked how you made us like the man so much then rip it out from under us and kill him. It was really sad.

Zalex!:)

Am I allowed to bump?

Thanks! Any ideas where I could inquire on this getting published?

He walks on the dusty sand
Eyes darting beneath his night-vision glasses

As a grimy boot steps
softly into the
doorway

A child cries
lying in the corner
curled up in a tiny
ball

He walks over to
the sobbing child
turning her grimy - Try not to use that adjetive to many times.
tear-stained face
up to him, pleading

He places his gloved
hands on either side
of the thin and bony
body
He raised the child
onto his strong shoulder

She buries her scratched and
bruised face into his bulletproof
vest, sniffling softly

He runs a thickly gloved
hand over her tangled
black hair.
She looks up at him
Curved chocolate brown eyes
Smiling silently at him - You should switch smiling and silently around.

She puts her head back down
onto his shoulder

An armored boot raises
a cloud of dust
as he creeps out into into
the dusky morning

The sun bareky peeking - was that supposed to be "barely?"
her sleepy face over
the bomb-battered ruins
of buildings that once
were....

His eyes travel to a
sign, broken in half
with faded letters spelling
Baghdad in loopy Arabic scrawl

As he reaches the outskirts
of the battered town
an explosion rocks
the dusty ground

He starts running
never looking back
The child clings to him tightly
Sensing his
f e a r

Then the rat-a-tat of
the machine guns sound
bullets whizzing past his hard helmet

He is almost to his Humvee, he can see it in sight!
But no! He won't make it unless he takes off the weight
laden on his back

He peels off his bulletproof vest
wrapping the little girl in his camoflauge coat

As he runs
bullets whizzing past his ears
something
hits him in the back
he drops to
the ground,
arm still around the
girl

He stumbles back to his feet,
blindly stumbling to his Humvee
He blindly hands the girls off to one of - Ahh. Stop using "blindly" so many times.
his comrades

He then falls
on the dusty desert floor
His buddies lift him onto the
seat of the Humvee

His last
wheezing breath
escapes his
chapped lips...



A dark-haired young woman
walks to a gravestone
lying under an oak tree

She places a single
rose
onto the grave
Of the man
who saved her-
the crying little girl
not so many years ago.


WOW.
WOW-E-WOW-O-WOW.
That was sick. Sick in the meaning of "cool" and "freakin' awesome."
I liked that poem a lot. It shows exactly WHY we can't bomb Iraq.
'Cuz one, that girl would have died...
And no one wants that.
Anyway, this poem was really moving. If you edit it just a teensy bit you could probably get it published somewhere. It is sort of kind of a story though, not a poem. I don't know how you could fix that but you probably shouldn't dwell on it. Great job!
KEEP WRITING!

Yeah.. I would have to work on making it more of a poem.. It is kind of like more than a story, but I'll work on it! Thanks for the advice.

This poem is very meaningful. I especially enjoyed the ending. I liked how you made him choose to take off the vest, his only protection, in order to take the girl. My only suggestion is you should add a few metaphors or similies. Also use punctuation, it helps a lot to capture the emotion. Besides that, great job. Keep on writing!

Wow.

I really liked this. Very thought-provoking and emotional.

My only question: how did he do the transferring of his jacket, etc. while he is running? It seems like it would be an awkward business, yet you don't seem to mention him ever stopping, especially because he is under fire.

Otherwise, this was great. I agree that it seems like a lot of fragmented sentences rather than a strict poem, but personally, I like it. It helps create the mood of urgency and need. *thumbs up*

Very nice work. I liked it a lot.

~GryphonFledgling

I like this poem, the content is amazing. it can actually make the reader stop and think about what happens when there is a war.. It serves as an eye opener, reminds people that they get nothing out of war except more death.. This is just an amazing piece of work! Only one thing sort of bothered me... This didn't really sound like a poem, it feels as if you just fragmented sentences to form verses in order for this piece to look like a poem.. besides that I love this! I hope that you keep on writing!