The name of the game- Chapter One

Thank you everyone for all the amazing and helpful crtics. My second chapter will be posted by Friday the 15th of February. Once again thank you for all the helpful critics.

-BroadwayGirl

Hi there Emily!

This piece is pretty good. It's pretty much just an introduction... introducing your character--which isn't a bad idea to do in the first chapter. This is alright as it is, but I think would be enhanced if you add some details like (keep in mind I don't know ANYTHING about volleyball...) like the sun in her eyes while she's playing... the feel of the ball against her palm... the heat... her hair sticking to her neck... have fun with it.

Also, there is hardly ANY description. That's o.k. for the first chapter, because it's just about the character's thoughts, but make sure you use more later on... check out some of Camille's pieces, she has beautiful descriptions.

Onto the nitpicks:

Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over.

We’ll have the bright, golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it.

She’s a very good volleyball player, and a beautiful brunette who just always has the urge to bother me..

The reality where my volleyball team has lost the national championship three times in a row. The reality where I now have to take a test that I haven’t studied for.

Sometimes I’ll get so distracted that I’ll just become oblivious to the cruel outside world.

Usually, If I haven’t studied for a test it’s because I was playing around with my volleyball.

My older one is all ripped of and it should go in the trash. But there are so many memories there that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

We were set up in a W formation, and I finally got to be the setter for my team, as the other one had injured herself earlier in the game. The surf was coming over the net so all the girls’ switched positions to get a better set up. Carry bumped it to me and I set it to Julie she quickly did the approach and she spike it over. No one on the other team even tried to block it. That’s how hard , and painful on the fingers, her spikes are. As her spike was going over my long blonde hair snapped out of its flower elastic. I had had it since I was seven so when it finally decided to snap I wasn’t in shock. I attempted to play the rest of the game without an elastic and I succeeded. It really was and amazing gam….
“Tia! For god’s sake, TIA!” I snapped back out of my daydream, again to find Carry yelling at me, again.

It’s usually a peaceful time where I’m not forced to think about the unfortunate reality.

Now the test lies before me. It is not going to easy. I look down at my test, scared to even read the questions.

Like I said I have an unfortunate reality.

And as far as reality goes, I’m screwed.

I like, its obvious to me that she's suppose to be spacy. And what person isn't? I would totally like to read more. I thought it was funny how she'd skip over to something else and then got snapped out of it. Good Luck!

hey em's!
I finally got to see your post! Yay for me!
O.k, for one, does this have to do with the school volleyball or no?
The continuation of this, how are you going to do it?
For me, I can't see it happening unlesss you are going to continue with her team continuing with the tournament.
I also wanted to add the fact that you should have added more on the topic about your test and all your team members.
(I also wanted to say that I didn't get to read the whole story 'cause my mom was comin' in the room, O.k?)
sorry em but next time I go on I promise that i will, k?
byas, sincerely,
shanan
KEEP GOING!!!

I think you are ready to move on now to Chapter Two.

... once you fix some tiny things:

You should avoid using numbers in your writing unless you are recording a date or time. Here's an example of where you don't need the digits:

I had had it since I was 7 so when it finally decided to snap I wasn’t in shock.

As her spike was going over my long blonde hair snapped out f its flower elastic

Question#1: Review. Who discovered Quebec?
I gaze over to the clock and think…..Was Quebec discovered by Cartier or Champlain?
Wait a sec, was Quebec even discovered by either of them?
Like I said I have an unfortunate reality.
And as far as reality goes, I’m screwed.

THANK YOU for all the critics, I have edited it multiple times now but this is the last draft(I hope) Let me know if I'm ready to move on.
-BroadwayGirl

Hey Emily!
I'm back again to review your revised edition.

Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over.

My teammates and I are going to win the volleyball championship. No doubt about. We’ll have the bright, golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it. There is no better feeling than when th…

She’s a very good volleyball player, and a beautiful brunette who just can’t leave me alone.

That peppy little bimbo cheerleader, I could just...!!!

We were set up in a W formation, and I finally got to be the setter for my team, as the other one had injured herself earlier in the game. The surve was coming over the net so all the girls’ switched positions to get a better set up. Carry bumped it to me and I set it to Julie she quickly did the approach and she spiked it over. No one on the other team even tried to block it. That’s how hard , and painful on the fingers, her spikes are. As her spike was going over; my long blonde hair snapped out of its flower elastic. I had had it since I was 7 so when it finally decided to snap I wasn’t in shock. I attempted to play the rest of the game without an elastic and I succeeded. It really was and amazing gam….

“Tia! For god’s sake, TIA!” I snapped back out of my daydream, again to find Carry yelling at me, again.
“ Tia, the teacher is explaining the test that he’s going to hand out. You might want to listen.” Like I was going to listen!

Paper is white right? Well most of this paper was filled in black ink. Such a waste. Teachers are very wasteful with all the tests, assignments and handouts. They just waste paper on people they know are going to fail their class anyways. So why be wasteful teachers? Why?

I look back down at my test scared to even read the questions.

Question#1 Review. Who discovered Quebec?

Hey, BroadwayGirl. I noticed that you're new-ish, so I thought I'd give you a critique. Sorry if I repeat some of what Ayra's said. I try not to read other people's criiques. xD First, my superficial spelling/grammar Nazi check, and then my impressions.

And then its over.

*it's

We’ll have the bright shiny golden cup in our hands

Gah. Advective overload. Bright shiny golden? Try removing one or two of them, or adding commas. It is a list, after all.

The reality where my volleyball team has lost or championship 3 times

"Or championship?" Maybe "the championship?" Also, numbers under ten need to be spelled out, so "three."

Wait a sec was Quebec even discovered by either one of them?

*"Wait a sec, was Quebec..." Also, if this is a thought, it should be in italics to differentiate it from narration.

Basically, this is far too short. You could probably extend this a lot more by showing instead of telling. For example, have her remember a game where her daydreaming cost them the match, or something like that. I know nothing about sports, and it probably shows, but you need to show more of her in her element.

Also, you could have a scene of the nght before where she's playing with her new volleyball instead of studying for the test. You'd have to add some more stuff, as it doesn't sound that interesting right now, but that scene could turn out really well if you detailed it.

And a scene of the classroom, last of all. This is another place where you could bring her... airiness, I suppose, into it. You could have her looking around the classroom, observing things about her fellow classmates, things like that. It'd show how good she is at procrastinating.

Because it was so short, is seemed awkward and disorganised. Lengthening the story would fix that.

Also, we don't get much of a sense of a character here. Again, this is something that can be fixed with length, which is what it all comes down to. If you use all the scenes I mentioned, and add your own creative flourishes to the character, she could come out rather well rounded. As it is, she seems rather flat.

If there's anything you want to ask about my critique, or you need any help, just PM me. I'd be happy to answer. Sorry if this seemed harsh. Just trying to help your story reach its potential.

-Mat

Hey Emily!

You have a very interesting start here, and I want to read more. That's a good sign. However, there are some things to consider before I move on to the nit-picks...

SPACING:

It's very important to separate this into paragraphs. You always start a new paragraph when someone is speaking, and when you move form one idea to the next. PM me if you need help with this, and here's what good 'ole Wikipedia has to say about it.

INFO-DUMPS:

There isn't any info-dumps here, but I thought I should bring this up for future reference. For example, when you're talking about how Tia plays volleyball and loses herself in her thoughts. You can still keep this information, but try filling it in with some more imagery and descriptions. Like what she looks like, and what the gym looks like. Here's an example:

I love to volley the ball around while I listen to music or just leave myself to my thoughts. Twirling one strand of straight brown hair around my finger, I think wistfully about how it’s usually a peaceful time where I’m not forced to think about the unfortunate reality.

Does that make sense? If not, post here or PM me. Whichever works best.

DESCRIPTIONS:

There isn't really much imagery here, and you might want to fix that. Imagery is very good for making the reader become more engrossed in your story, and with it, you can create more vivid mental images.

Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over. My teammates and I are going to win the volleyball championship. No doubt about it. We’ll have the bright shiny golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it.

We’ll have the bright shiny golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it.

“Tia! Stop daydreaming! TIA!”

Blood. Sweat. Tears. Pain.
It all falls down when we let that ball hit the floor. It only has to bounce once. And then its over. My teammates and I are going to win the volleyball championship. No doubt about it. We’ll have the bright shiny golden cup in our hands and then all the blood, sweat, tears and pain will have been worth it.

The reality where my volleyball team has lost or championship 3 times in a row.

As the test lies before me I can’t remember whether Cartier or Champlain discovered Quebec.

Wait a sec was Quebec even discovered by either one of them?

Like I said I have an unfortunate reality.