I look down at my shaking hands pale and covered in blood
I slide up along the bathroom stall
when i look outside the door to the mirror
my face is as pale as a ghosts
I'm not sure what i should do
my decision is to wipe my face off
next thing i know I'm stumbling to the ground
my eyes begin to feel like they weigh a million pounds
I don't regret my decision
finally my misery will be over
My eyes slowly fall down
and i feel like something is coming to reach down and grab my body
i roll onto my side and i feel my heart rate slow down
I'm dead
gone with the wind
FREE
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Great imagery and vivid descriptions.
Love that line!
Read this phrase slowly and loudly:
comma after 'hands'... it sounds akward otherwise
or
how about
My misery will finally be over
both make sense but i think the latter sounds nicer.
up to you.
GHOST'S ....comma
The 'like' sort of ruins the affect.
let's rephrase this:
I feel as if something's coming to reach down and grab my body...
Something's coming to reach down and grab me...
or....
...
well the 'like' doesn't really fit.
other wise great poem...
love the ending!
toodlez
-icy,
Oh.
Sorry.
I'm not exactly a very good critic.
I was trying to be nice, people!
Anyways...here's a 'helpful' critique, then:
It's pretty good, except for GRAMMAR GRAMMAR GRAMMAR! Sorry, but grammar is a MUST! And the capitalization of the "I"s.
Everything else, I basically agree with the others. You have potential!
-Icequeen
PS: Sorry, I just didn't get whether or not it was a suicide. I'm kind of clueless...
Broadwaygirl --
I noticed that. Heh.
For the sake of not repeating myself, look at my critique for 'Someone'. Here you have the same basic issues, except for the nit-picks.
Punctuation. Grammar. Capitalize your I's, please.
Once again, you have a greasy-glass poem. Nice idea, some description, but not enough. I know this critique is really short but I don't want to say the same things that I said for your other piece.
It seems that you were inspired by Meg's poem.
Anyways, this also has potential. The whole emo-I'm so relieved to die, my life is a lie idea is cliched but that's beside the point. Everything will become cliched eventually, will it not?
Keep writing! You can always PM me with questions and comments.
-Camille
P.s. Icequeen - that wasn't exactly a helpful review. Try to include what you liked about it and why if you can't think of anything they can imrpove on, ok? Not trying to sound like an ol' grump, but it is important that you know this.
Niiiceeeee
Was it a suicide?
Till death,
Icequeen
It's good, I just think that some line should be separated.
ex.