It’s not fun when the first thing that wakes you up in the morning is a fire alarm, I know from experience... I got up slowly, "Dad is making breakfast again," I thought.
I begrudgingly walked into the hallway to find my Dad, saw me, and said, “Good morning kiddo, Happy Birthday,” As he was quickly fanning the fire alarm to get the loud machine to stop screeching.
“Thank you, Dad,” I said smiling but still a little grim at the same time since he woke me up from my beautiful dream. Just then my Mom had walked inside.
“Oh, sweetheart good morning!” she said happily.
“Morning Momma,” I said kindly as my grudge of not sleeping late had faded.
My Mom came close to me and hugged me tightly, “You're getting too big, stop growing” she pouted.
“Momma you know I can’t help it, maybe you should stop feeding me,” I joked and Mom rolled her eyes smiling.
“Happy birthday my baby,” Mom looked up at me with love and admiration, then gently kissed my cheek.
We sat down at the table as my father had served breakfast, chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, sausage, and a fruit bowl. I grabbed the butter container as my father started another conversation, “So Jisoo what do you want for your birthday?” my father asked.
I looked at him and smiled, “Dad you know what I’ve wanted, I have been saying it for so long now”.
Dad looked at my mother smiling, “let me guess,” he said. “Was it...a concert ticket,” dad smiled knowingly.
“No dad, remember the new VR game ‘Life In Seoul’. It's supposed to be so real life that if something happens to you, like getting a cut, you will also get a cut in real life,” I explained happily.
Mom looked at me, “You will have to promise to be careful.”
“I promise momma,” I said as I stuff a pancake into my mouth. “Plus this game could also teach me how to take care of a house when I’m on my own! It’s just like a life simulator, you customize your avatar to look just like you or whatever your preference is and play that character. You can also choose the job that you want to do! So that means I can customize myself to be a CEO! It’s supposed to be how you are right now, living life.” I explained.
Mom and Dad looked at each other bored since I explained again for the 100th time.
“Well…” my Dad let out a breath.
“You might want to check downstairs,” my Mom said smiling. “But after you clear the table and get the dishes done.”
I nodded to my mom and started clearing the table of the amounts of food and putting any leftovers in small baggies, except for the pancakes since they were the size of my face. After I got the dishes done, I hurriedly went downstairs and saw the pod in the corner of the room, brightly lit, and the name of the game displayed on the screen of the television. I screamed happily and jumped around for a good five minutes. Then jumped on my parents who were innocently sitting on the couch watching me being a lunatic. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I screamed over my parents' yelps of pain.
After a little while of cuddling my parents to death, I got up and inspected the pod carefully, smiling, and slowly began to climb into the pod and sit down. “Wow it's so pretty” I admired all of the paddings in the pod and the speakers that were near my ears.
“Are you ready to play sweetheart?” my Mom asked.
I got out of the pod and hugged my parents once more, especially my Mom, I’ve always had a special connection with my Mom since it had been mostly her and I when I was little. Going back I remember when I was five, my Mom was working for my school as the librarian. As my class was reading, my Mom always walked around giving out stickers and saying how good we were. Thinking about that memory makes me smile and I feel mom hold my face gently and lean her head against mine, Which brings me to another memory. When I was 7, I got my ear surgery. I woke up groggy and the doctors rolled me out of the operation room, my Mom walked into my room immediately to cuddle and comfort. A couple of minutes later a nurse came in and asked, “Would you like anything soft to eat?” then started stating what they had. I hoarsely asked if I could have cherry shaved ice, but since I was inaudible to the nurse the Mom translated what I wanted, when the treat came my mom fed it to me. Coming back into reality I heard my Mom whisper, “Happy birthday my baby girl''.
That one sentence broke the dam and the tears became flowing out, and I hugged my Mom tightly. My Dad wrapped his arms around me and my Mom and squeezed gently reassuring me and my mom. As we hugged I remember when I was 11, Dad was working for a trucking company that always kept him on the road, allowing me to see him for only two weeks each or every other month. One night both my parents came up with a plan while I slept, that my father would sneak into the big bed that I was sleeping in at my grandparent's house. My mother was an early riser so she greeted my father first while I was sleeping since I tended to sleep late. When I was waking up I felt a heavy breath on my neck and I knew that it wasn’t my mom so I turned around to be greeted by my father. I yelped with glee and immediately started hugging him as my Mom watched smiling at how happy her child was at seeing her Dad. A couple of minutes after the excited reunion of father and daughter, Mom joined in, Dad then wrapped his arms around his wife as well and held both of his most prized beings.
I was the first one to pull away, “I love you both so much!” My parents smiled as I wiped my tears.
My Dad then said, “What are we crying for! Go play with your gift Jisoo we will watch your game from here”.
I nodded and got back into the pod.
I pressed the start button and the pod slowly closed and I closed my eyes but I ripped my eyes wide open to the sound of electrical static, and the pod shaking, I heard my mom and dad start screaming my name. I screamed for them, but it didn’t seem like they heard me so I tried to open the pod but nothing worked. While I tried getting the door open, a piece of metal from the interior roof of the pod came loose and hit me right in the face knocking me out cold.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi BrizzyZZ! Welcome to YWS. I hope you're enjoying the site so far
As you've posted this I'm guessing you're hoping for some feedback so I've come to dish it out! I'll try to give you a good amount of detail in my review but feel free to ask if something doesn't make sense for you. Of course, this is your piece and you know it best so if you choose to ignore my suggestions there will be no hard feelings!
Ok, here we go:
A couple of points for this opening paragraph which I think would make it flow better:
It’s not fun when the first thing that wakes you up in the morning is a fire alarm, I know from experience.. Get rid of the second .
I got up and walked into the kitchen This is not the reaction I would expect to being woken by the fire alarm - I would expect way more panic from your mc unless this is a regular occurrence in which case I would want you to mention that.
My dad turned to me and said, “Good morning kiddo, Happy Birthday!”
This needs a new paragraph but also I think you could change up your description to convey the speed he's rushing around. Perhaps he throws a rushed 'Happy Birthday' over his shoulder as he's desperately wafting a tea towel by the fire alarm? Really build up that picture.
You need a new paragraph every time someone new speaks. So there should be a new paragraph where I've indicated above. Also, how does your character know what she was doing outside if they were up in bed until this point?
I know this information is here for the benefit of the reader but the conversation seems a little forced because of it. Surely they have discussed what Jisoo wants before so why is the mom suddenly concerned? This information could be inserted more naturally later on, I feel.
Consider this, you could practice by actually taking care of the house you're in right now Jisoo
On their birthday, really?
This didn't fit for me. It seems like you're now writing from the parent's point of view, which I know you're not. I think it just kind of interrupted the flow.
These snippets of the past are lovely but I think they would fit later on in the story. Try to focus on the present for now and give the reader this extra background when they're a bit more invested in the story.
Now this is where it gets interesting! I can't for the life of me imagine a game that actually allows its users to get hurt when playing as that would be a literal health and safety nightmare but for the purposes of creative license I'm going to ignore that for now.
I'm interested in the concept you have here and it makes me ask a lot of questions which is key when establishing an audience into a narrative as it makes them more likely to keep reading. I think the whole conversation between Jisoo and her parents could do with some work to make it feel more natural and I think there are parts you've skipped over in eagerness to get to the end of the chapter (which we're all totally guilty of so don't worry) that I feel you could go back and add more to in order to give us more of a picture of family life.
So overall a good start and I look forward to seeing where you take this one.
Hope some of this was helpful to you. Feel free to drop me a message or simply click the reply button below to reply to this review if you have any questions (either about the review or even the site in general) and I'll do my best to answer.
Icy
Thank you for your review. I will take your suggestions into consideration, and fix some of my mistakes. I'm glad that you enjoyed my story!
I love the descriptions of this! The flashbacks you had really described her relationship with her mom.
"It’s not fun when the first thing that wakes you up in the morning is a fire alarm, I know from experience.." I would probably put a period right after alarm, and make the next part its own sentence.
"Thank you dad" Words like Mom or Dad are capitalized unless you're using them poessesively.
Other than that, it's really good! A couple of spots might need commas, so you could go over those. I usually read stuff out loud so I can hear where they need to be.
This is a really interesting premise! I look forwards to seeing what else you come up with!
Thank you very much for the feedback. I really appreciate it, I will also make sure to fix my mistakes!