The night that Dad died changed Luna’s entire life.
It started out being a fun evening with her family. Luna’s mom wanted to have a bonfire in their backyard. They sent Pete, her older brother, and Dad into the woods to collect firewood. Meanwhile, her and Mom laid out graham crackers, Hershey’s chocolate bars, and a big bag of marshmallows on the glass table near the fire pit.
It was a perfect night for a bonfire. It was late July, but it cooled down quickly after 8:00. The sky was clear and Luna could see the bright orange sun setting behind the trees.
Soon, Pete came back from the woods with an armful of twigs. He dumped them into the pit and tried to rub the dirt off of his arms. Mom threw a few matches into the pit and the wood started to crackle, but it was going to die unless someone put more wood in it.
They waited for Dad to come walking up the hill with a huge pile of sticks and logs in his hands but after a good 15 minutes, he still wasn’t back. Thinking he needed help carrying wood, Mom sent Pete back down the hill to get him.
Another 10 minutes went by and Luna was starting to get worried. Suddenly, Pete came running up the hill out of breath. Between panting he managed to say that he found Dad passed out in the woods long ways down the hill. Mom immediately got up and ran down the hill following Pete, yelling for Luna to call an ambulance.
Luna was only 6 but she knew her address and easily dialed 911. By the time an ambulance arrived, Luna was crying. Her mom and Pete were still down the hill and she was worried about Dad. She pointed out to the doctors the way that Mom ran and soon they were running too. Luna followed them, still crying.
They put Dad on a stretcher and into the ambulance. The doctors said that Mom, Luna, and Pete could ride in the back with him. Mom was trying to get Pete and Luna to stop crying by telling them over and over that it was going to be okay, but she was crying too.
When they reached the hospital, doctors rushed Dad into an emergency room while their family waited in the waiting room. They sat for hours on the hard blue chairs, waiting for any news on Dad. Luna promised herself that she wouldn’t fall asleep but her eyelids felt heavy, and soon she drifted into oblivion.
Luna woke up to her mom lightly shaking her. She wondered why Mom was waking her up. Then she remembered.
Dad.
Mom said they were allowed to go see him. Luna asked if he was okay, but Mom and Pete wouldn’t answer her and she was starting to get frustrated. When they reached Dad’s room, Luna ran full speed toward him, but stopped halfway to his bed when she saw him. He wasn’t moving and there were all different kinds of machines and tubes hooked up to him. Luna cautiously walked to Dad’s bedside and touched his cheek. It was cold. Colder than anybody’s face should be.
She glanced up at Mom. She looked Luna in the eyes and kept saying she was sorry. Pete was silently crying. Then she understood. The machines and tubes were keeping Dad alive for now, but they couldn’t forever. When the doctors turn off the machines he will be dead.
He will never be able to walk the earth again. He won't be there to teach Luna how to drive. He won't be sitting in the audience at her graduation or be there to say goodbye when she set out for college.
He helped her with her homework, taught her how to ride a bike; he was there no matter what Luna needed. Luna thought he had the answers to everything. Now she couldn't be there for him. There was nothing she could do to save her dad. She felt completely helpless.
Mom told her that the doctors weren’t sure how Dad died, but they think it was from a heart attack. Luna didn’t think so. Her dad was only 45 and in great shape. He has never had a past heart problem before. She looked at Pete and the doubtful look in his eyes and the slight shake of his head assured her that he didn’t believe it wasn’t a heart attack either.
Mom seemed to believe the doctors. She was accepting Dad’s death without questions. She told us it was time to go so she, Pete, and Luna all grabbed Dad’s cold limp hands and told him they will always love him.
Dad was peaceful and very wise, so Luna knew he would be happy in heaven, but she was still crying as she glanced at her dad once more before leaving the hospital room. She knew that as soon as they left, the doctors were going to turn the machines off.
The car ride home was dead silent. Everyone looked like they wanted to say something but nobody did. Luna hated the feeling. She hated that her healthy, happy dad had to die.
There was something else bothering Luna. Something that would keep popping back up into her mind. A dream that she had a few nights ago. She remembered her and Mom sitting around the empty fire pit, getting Smores ready. Pete and Dad were in the woods collecting firewood. The rest was blurry like all her dreams, so maybe she hadn’t dreamt it at all. If she had, it was probably just a coincidence, so she pushed it to the back of her mind and didn’t think about it again.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I agree with all iceprincess' nitpicks. If I ever have to dial 000 I'd be panicking insanely. Also, when you said that he was relying on the machines to live, then further reffered to him as dead, I was a little confused. You need to sort that out. Keep writing!
PS I have something that's pretty freaky. I'm also writing a novel, the main character is called Luna, she has no dad (he left before she was born. Alive.) and she had one sibling (a sister though - Valentina). If Luna and Pete turn out to be fairies, I'd faint.
Rebz xx
Hello there, Brittany!
iceprincess here to review! Welcome to YWS, by the way! 
Well, I thought this story was like a summary instead of a chapter, so to speak. Luna did this, Mom did that, Pete went where, he came back...(ooh, that rhymes!) Maybe you intentionally made the whole chapter like this, but sometimes the whole chapter just seems a little bit drawn out and it will make the reader feel bored. Adding descriptions will help, and actually, I think you should expand the whole chapter instead. Still, I found it interesting!
Now with that being said, on with the nitpicking!
Easily dialed 911? Why is it easy?
This is where I think you could expand. We all know she is crying, but why? Tell us why she is crying --- is she scared? Angry? Frightened?
Poor Luna, but then...
Wait. Didn't you just say that Dad was relying on the machines to live? Why is he now dead?
Another thing: maybe it's too early in the story to say this, but make us --- the readers --- feel sympathetic about Dad's death. We don't know who Luna is, she's a complete stranger! Why, then, would we even care about her life changing? Why would we care if Luna's dad died? Show us how desperate they are, show us that they actually do care.
Then, your reader will care.
For now, it's just like reading the morning newspaper and knowing that a guy died --- who cares? Everyone will die sooner or later. Show us, your readers that he --- Luna's dad --- was very important to his family. Bind us to them, make us cry. (Well, you don't really have to, haha.
Anyways, with a bit of rewriting and expanding, I'm sure it could be a good story! Keep writing, and if you have any questions or want me to read your edited version, you can always PM me.
~iceprincess =]