The cave fills with the light of the setting sun. The sun setting over the ice capped mountains is beautiful it also a sign that nightfall is near. I can already feel the chill of night settling over me. I poke at the dying embers trying to bring some warmth into the cavern. I close my eyes and wait anxiously for the return of the Satyr. This world is so new and alien to me I doubt I would survive the night without her. I open my eyes to the sound of fluttering. What are these things in the air? They hang around my head like mosquitos at dusk. But I daren’t swat at them. They aren’t like the pesky blood suckers back at earth. They share a resemblance to butterfly’s. Their long elegant wings painted with all the colors of a rainbow bat slowly in the air. The creatures look at ease with the world. They fly calmly around the cave, perching delicately on the cold stone. A group of the little winged creature hangs around the dying fire, maybe seeking warmth like me. My mouth opens in awe as the cave slowly fills of the gorgeous creatures. I suck in a breath as one floats in front of my eyes. The wings are attached to a something akin to a tiny lizard. Its wide eyes and orange spotted body makes me smile. I hold up my palm to the small creature and it lands in the center. Its tiny body feels like nothing in my hand and I try to handle it with care. It also feels a little sticky like a reptile should. I gasp as another tiny reptiles cold body lands on my exposed ankle.Another floats to my shoulder then another rests on my wrist. It suddenly felt as if all the creatures in the cave were interested in me, just as I was interested in them. I’m surrounded by little flying rainbows. A green winged one slowly floats to the tip of my nose. I think one even one lands on my head.
“What the hell are you doing!?”I look up and see the face if an outraged Satyr. She howls out profanities as she drops the wood pile in her arms.Suddenly she’s ripping the creatures of the stone wall and tearing them to shreds. I watch horrified as the ripped bloody bodies and torn rainbow wings fall to the ground. Some of them try to fly away but are to slow and she grabs them from the air.
“No! Stop it. Stop it please. What in the world are you doing? ” I begged. She turns to me glaring. Her claws are dripping tiny droplets of blood. She breaths from her mouth heavily and I can see pointed teeth. Suddenly she wasn’t the annoying half goat creature who helped me in the storm yesterday, but a vicious animal.
“Are you insane?” She screeches. She runs up to me and rips the tiny creatures from my body. “There sucking the heat right out of you! Get them off you, you dumb human.” I almost feel insulted but the minute the creatures fall from my body I’m frozen. I start to shake uncomfortably from the cold.My teeth start to chatter and I can’t feel my toes. I start to breath heavily and my breath comes out as smoke. I hold my fingers up to my eyes and they are blue. The Satyr continues to stomp on the winged creatures with her hoofs while dragging me to the fire. She plants me so close to the fire I would almost be afraid of being burnet if it wasn’t for my current icicle-ness. By the time I begin to regain feeling in my feet the Satyr sits across from.Our cave is painted in blood and ripped up wings. There are tiny mangled bodies covering the ground. There’s not a single living creature left. I make eye contact with the Satyr. She’s glaring at me again. “I guess I can’t leave you alone can I.” She says from clenched teeth. I look away from her to the mouth of the cave. The sun has fully set and a shadow of darkness enters the cave. This world is not like the other. And this terrifies me.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
This is really good.
The name is what attracted me to this story, and I'm glad it did. You have really good detail and I can picture exactly what you are saying. At first I was startled by the Satyr, but that was quickly replaced with dislike. She's obviously impatient. But your main character seems to even it out, making the story easily bearable and interesting.
A great start.
Bye!
~BookWolf
"The cave fills with the light of the setting sun. The sun setting over the ice capped mountains is beautiful it also a sign that nightfall is near."
Okay, so you have a gripping opening sentence, which is always good, but then you repeat the last words in the next sentence. While repitition can be very good for a story, you did not deliver it very well. It would be better for you to write, "It is beautiful, hanging over the ice capped mountains." which is a nice short sentence. In the second sentence you have, you wrote "it also a sign that nightfall is near." There should be a comma after "beautiful", and "is" after "is". If it is a separate sentence from "The sun setting..." you obviously do not need a comma after beautiful, as it will be a full stop, but you do still need the "is".
" This world is so new and alien to me I doubt I would survive the night without her." This sentence is good and interesting, but you wrote "would", when I think "will" would be more appropriate, as "would" sounds more in the past tense.
"my exposed ankle.Another floats to my shoulder" You need a space after the full stop, otherwise it is a little harder to read, and doesn't flow quite as well as it should.
" It suddenly felt as if all the creatures in the cave were interested in me, just as I was interested in them." Again, you wrote this part in the past tense, when everything else is in present. It should be "feels" instead of "felt", "are" instead of "were" and "am" instead of "was".
You also need spaces after dialogue, and when it is saying how someone said something, you always begin the next word with a lower case letter, unless of course it is a name or the word "I".
If it is an action being performed after dialogue, it begins with a capital letter.
There are a couple of spelling and grammatical errors in there as well, but I think I've got the main ones.
I'd suggest a proof read and an edit.
Bye!
This was awesome. I read your description and immediately clicked this when I saw the work satyr. I do love Greek Mythology.
OK, let me get this straight. Which world are you talking about? Demigod world? I don't think this is clear to the reader. Please explain, to avoid further confusion with other readers as the puzzle over the narrator's sanity.
"see pointed teeth"
Whoa, satyrs have pointed teeth? I thought they had normal human teeth?!
Run-on sentence, there should be a period after "beautiful" and "it" should be capitalized.
"capped mountains is beautiful it also a sign that nightfall is near."
I believe there should be a comma after "embers".
"dying embers trying to bring"
Again, a comma/semicolon after "me".
"so new and alien to me I doubt I would survive"
"I open my eyes to the sound of fluttering."
This was too sudden, I was thinking. Maybe describe how the reader felt as they were coming in, maybe a wing brushing her hand, or something else.
"A group of the little winged creature"
I think "creature" shall be "creatures", m'kay?
"my shoulder then another rests"
Comma after "shoulder".
Focus on punctuation, but this was entertaining and descriptive, I hope I hear more!
Hey there! Scarlet here to review.
Before I get to the good stuff, I have a few nitpicks.
- I don't like how it's all blocked up, It makes it hard to read and isn't very professional. What you need to do is break it down into paragraphs. Here is a good example: Second Always Comes Last: Traitor
- There should be a space between the period and Another.
- Same problem as before, there should be a space between that period and suddenly.
- There should be a space between that period and My.
- Okay two problems with these sentences. One is, I believe the word in bold is misspelled. Burnet is basically a brown haired person or thing, you mean burnt.
Also Icicle-ness? It doesn't sound very professional. How about something like...
or (I added a little humor to that last one)
- Same problem as the first two, there should be a space between that period and our.
- Instead of starting a new sentence after other, maybe make that into a whole sentence.
Other than that all, It was an entertaining and beautiful story. I hope you continue to write more.
My favorite part was probably...
I love how he describes the creatures, It was rather beautiful and gave a glistening image of what they looked and acted like.
Great Job!
Sincerely, Scarlet; New Knight Of The Green Room
Hey!
Upon the first look, I noticed a few grammatical errors, but I won't comment on them specifically because I hate when people do that to me. I just wanted to let you know that there are some there, and I hope that you can look over them at some point.
Anyway, back to the review!
I LOVED the description of your setting. It immediately drew me in to your story. Your main character could use something, though... I'm not sure how I felt about her. I understand that she is new to this world, and terrified, too, but you played her out to be not only ignorant and clumsy, but also as helpless as a newborn infant. If you continue to write on this story, I really hope that your main character does something heroic so that I, as the reader, can see her as powerful, and somehow restore that admiration that I lost for her.
You had a beautiful plot twist already in the beginning, with the rainbow-colored lizards. I had a little bit of suspicion about them at first, but as you continued to write about them, I grew to trust our narrator. Little did I know, I shouldn't have! Haha! That was brilliantly executed!
I would like some more background on not only the girl and this new world (for instance, how did she end up here?), but mostly on the satyr. The satyr really intrigued me, which both worked for you and against you. It made me want to keep reading, but at the same time I developed a kind of dislike for her, and I wonder whether or not this was intentional..?
Keep writing. I hope that my review helped, and commend you on your idea. Remember not to take the review too much to heart, but also take them with a grain of sand (or is it salt?).
Nice work,
Smanske15