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E - Everyone

Out Into The City (Chapter 2)

by Briely


Chapter 2 Business Man

Harle waited in the library tell the meeting was over. She was glad that at least one part of it had stayed the same. Corsy decided he wanted a library of computers instead of book. Harle argued for weeks with him tell he finally came up with an agreement. Now half of the library was filled with books, while the other half with computers. It was peaceful for Harle, the only place she could really feel like she wasn't here. The doorbell rang on the other side of the room and Bon answered. A old man stood there, he talked quietly so Harle got closer so she could here.

“The robots” he responded.

The little robot shook his small head “yes, Corsy is our master”.

“May I speak with him?” the man asked.

Bon let the man through, “he’s in the last room to the right just down that hallway” he pointed with his metale finger.

When the man passed by he turned toward Harle, she hid behind the wall. Bon stood there for a minute then walked away. Harle let out a sad sound, it was like a sob.

After the meeting was over Harle was needed over there. The meeting hall was messy, papers everywhere, and soda cans. Harle looked at the mess with tired eyes. The brown haired boy she saw earlier was standing by the table gathering his things. Harle picked up one of the papers he dropped of the floor.

“I believe this is yours” she said holding it out for him.

He smiled at her, his green eyes sparkling, “why thank you” he responded.

He took the paper from her hand, “what's your name my girl?” the guy asked.

Corsy came from behind the wall were his hidden room was.

“Her names Harle” he said “ she’s my only human maid”.

The boy looked at him fairly shooken “oh” he looked back at her frowning.

“Well it was fairly nice to meet you Harle” he said holding out his hand.

She took it shaking it firmly “you too sir” she responded.

He smiled again lightly waving a hand at Corsy “good day”.

He left the room leaving Harle and Corsy. They stood for a moment in silence tell Corsy cleared his throat.

“Come on, clean up” he said walking back into his room.

Harle knelt down taking paper into her hand cleaning up.


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Sun May 26, 2019 4:20 pm
LordWolf wrote a review...



Howdy there Briely and welcome to YWS.

I haven't read the first chapter of this work and I'm just going to pick up right from here. I'll try to catch up to the plot.

The first thing that I noticed is how your wording is very confusing. It took me several times to read through the first paragraph to get an understanding for what you were trying to say. I think you need to work a lot of the word choice in this and you need to be really careful about how the sentences go. Take for instance these sentences:

Corsy decided he wanted a library of computers instead of book. Harle argued for weeks with him tell he finally came up with an agreement.

It takes a bit of time to interpret your meaning and that's not good for the reader to be stalling out so early on.

I am, as the reader, just finding the writing itself is also just very uninteresting. I'm picking this story up in the middle, but I have no reason to want to go forward in reading anymore of this. Once I figured out what you were trying to say, it doesn't feel like this story has any substance to it. I can guess that you are somewhat new to writing long term projects and you're probably not familiar with how to get a grip on the audience.

I think a lot of my disinterest comes from your dialogue. A technical note is that your dialogue is not formatted at all correctly and this is a resource that I like to link to for that problem. Formatting dialogue right just takes practice and some commitment to making sure that you're getting it right every time.

I have content issues with the dialogue because most often dialogue is being used to further the plot. Character interactions are supposed to be drawing the readers in more and more to the issues that you're throwing into the plot. The dialogue in this just seems very plain, and it doesn't connect to the rest of the content. And it's not reaching out to audience either.

He smiled at her, his green eyes sparkling, “why thank you” he responded.

He took the paper from her hand, “what's your name my girl?” the guy asked.

Corsy came from behind the wall were his hidden room was.

“Her names Harle” he said “ she’s my only human maid”.


This is one section that got my attention and was building on something that must have been mentioned in chapter one. It does make me question a bit about what Corsy means by "she's my only human maid." I haven't really any seen any mentions before this point about what species the characters are and there are very few details about where this story might be set. Those are all answers that could be integrated with careful descriptions to make this story more interesting.

So my recommendations are mainly going to be:
- work on that dialogue.
- and determine what you want to be happening in this story and how it connects to the bigger points of the plot. How much are you going to reveal in this section in relation to everything else? And what has happened so far to bring the characters here?

None of the details in this story seem particularly clear and I think you need to be more confident in your content. The first step to writing better is accepting your mistakes and then finding the confidence to figure out how to fix them.

If you have any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to drop me a line.
Happy Review Day.
- Jack




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Mon Apr 15, 2019 11:00 pm
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Anma wrote a review...



Another chapter? That was fast!

Hello Briely!

This is really good, i honestly love what your writing about. I feel this is going to be a very adventurous book! (If you finish) Its really lovely! All i got to say is spelling, punctuation, and ya... Here are some of them

(An) old man stood there, he talked quietly so Harle got closer so she could here.

Bon let the man through, “he’s in the last room to the right just down that hallway” he pointed with his (metal) finger.

When the man passed by(,) he turned toward Harle, she hid behind the wall.

The (brown-haired) boy she saw earlier was standing by the table gathering his things.

he said walking back into his room.
Harle (knelt) taking paper into her hand cleaning up.
Don't get to specific!

Either than that its pretty good!

Keep it up!

Sincerely
Anma





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