Howdy there Briely and welcome to YWS.
I haven't read the first chapter of this work and I'm just going to pick up right from here. I'll try to catch up to the plot.
The first thing that I noticed is how your wording is very confusing. It took me several times to read through the first paragraph to get an understanding for what you were trying to say. I think you need to work a lot of the word choice in this and you need to be really careful about how the sentences go. Take for instance these sentences:
Corsy decided he wanted a library of computers instead of book. Harle argued for weeks with him tell he finally came up with an agreement.
It takes a bit of time to interpret your meaning and that's not good for the reader to be stalling out so early on.
I am, as the reader, just finding the writing itself is also just very uninteresting. I'm picking this story up in the middle, but I have no reason to want to go forward in reading anymore of this. Once I figured out what you were trying to say, it doesn't feel like this story has any substance to it. I can guess that you are somewhat new to writing long term projects and you're probably not familiar with how to get a grip on the audience.
I think a lot of my disinterest comes from your dialogue. A technical note is that your dialogue is not formatted at all correctly and this is a resource that I like to link to for that problem. Formatting dialogue right just takes practice and some commitment to making sure that you're getting it right every time.
I have content issues with the dialogue because most often dialogue is being used to further the plot. Character interactions are supposed to be drawing the readers in more and more to the issues that you're throwing into the plot. The dialogue in this just seems very plain, and it doesn't connect to the rest of the content. And it's not reaching out to audience either.
He smiled at her, his green eyes sparkling, “why thank you” he responded.
He took the paper from her hand, “what's your name my girl?” the guy asked.
Corsy came from behind the wall were his hidden room was.
“Her names Harle” he said “ she’s my only human maid”.
This is one section that got my attention and was building on something that must have been mentioned in chapter one. It does make me question a bit about what Corsy means by "she's my only human maid." I haven't really any seen any mentions before this point about what species the characters are and there are very few details about where this story might be set. Those are all answers that could be integrated with careful descriptions to make this story more interesting.
So my recommendations are mainly going to be:
- work on that dialogue.
- and determine what you want to be happening in this story and how it connects to the bigger points of the plot. How much are you going to reveal in this section in relation to everything else? And what has happened so far to bring the characters here?
None of the details in this story seem particularly clear and I think you need to be more confident in your content. The first step to writing better is accepting your mistakes and then finding the confidence to figure out how to fix them.
If you have any questions about this review or anything else, feel free to drop me a line.
Happy Review Day.
- Jack
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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