Abigail & Karley: Part 1- The Meeting

Okay guys, I made some edits to this one (mostly punctuation errors and spelling errors) so hopefully it’s better for future readers/reviewers! :3

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - Abigail is very healthy and has muscles :0, which bothers some people, but she wants a real relationship. A serious relationship. Then, she meets Karley at the gym, who likes her and they go out on a date, but Karley can’t stop drinking! Oh no!

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.

Chocolate Bar - I love that Abigail is happy with being herself, because the best thing she can be is confident in her own skin. When she’s confident, she’ll attract the right people…like Karley! Speaking of which, I love the interaction between Abigail and Karley, it seems like Karley is a sweet person! ^v^

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a lovely first chapter. I am a bit worried about Karley, since she cannot stop drinking alcohol and I really do hope that their date doesn’t turn out bad, but alas, I will have to wait until the next chapter. I enjoyed reading this and…

I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^

Oh cool, lesbian stuff.

Firstly, there should definitely not be a comma after ‘slight’ where Tikaya said there should be. No shade meant, but that is incorrect.

Anyway, the way you’ve handled the opening paragraph can be a good approach to introducing a character for certain types of stories, but I don’t know about this one. Try showing more and telling less. Show us what kind of person she is through her day-to-day actions, instead of just describing it all upfront. Perhaps a man tries to hold a door for her and winds up having it held for him instead as it’s more difficult to open than he anticipated. Then she holds back a smirk, and continues along with her day. I dunno, something like that. That was obviously just a pretty basic and cliche example I came up with on the spot, though.

I think you mean “views and beliefs” not “reviews”.

Also, “but its not her main or only goal” should have an apostrophe. ‘It is’ becomes ‘it’s’. When dealing with potentially contracted words like “its/it’s” or “there/their/they’re (aka they are)” you can usually always figure out what the full set of words would be to decide whether or not an apostrophe makes sense.

“someone keeps glancing at her” not “keep”

“At first, she thinks nothing of it but as it keeps happening, she slowly starts to worry.”
should become
“At first, she thinks nothing of it. But as it keeps happening, she slowly starts to worry.” or otherwise “At first, she thinks nothing of it; but as it keeps happening, she slowly starts to worry.” but then people might just assume you used a semicolon incorrectly, as some people are wont to do whenever a semicolon is used by an amateur writer at all. And also as you apparently did use one incorrectly already in the first paragraph. Your call there. (Ditch the capitalization of ‘obeying’ and the semicolon will be fine, otherwise replace it with a period. Like the other reviewer said.)

At this point in the story, it becomes obvious you need to pick a tense and person. It has to be either present or past tense, not both, and you also need to pick if it’s going to be third-person or first-person narrative. I prefer first-person considering the ample insight you’re providing into the main character’s mind, unless you want the narrator to be omniscient which would be fine too but is a choice you’d have to consider. Past tense is more conventional but present tense can help the reader feel more in the moment, which fits with the deep insight you wanted the reader to have regarding the main character from the get-go.

So based on my preferences regarding third/first and past/present, I would change the following parts to this:

“At first, I think nothing of it. But as it keeps happening, I slowly start to worry. After several minutes, the person walks up to me. “Uh, hey. I’m Karley.” We [look] (not looked) at each other for a few moments before I [say] (not said) anything back to her.”

“Hi, I’m Abigail.” A small smile appears on [my? her? unclear, needs to be clarified either way even if you pick third-person narrative] lips as they stood there in front of each other. She tucked a piece of her long, brown hair behind her ear. She seems a bit nervous, though I’m not sure why yet. “I’ve seen you here a few times, and I think you’re really pretty.” She nervously twirled her hair with her fingers as her cheeks turned a light shade a pink.

[Noting here that “shade a pink” should be “shade of pink”. Not relevant to the tense and person change I’m doing though, so I left it above.]

My lips curl up into a smile, both from the compliment and Karley’s nervousness. I look the girl up and down before replying. “Thank you, you’re really pretty yourself. Are you from around here by chance?” A small exhale escaped from Karley, as if she was worried I would have a negative reaction.

I think you get the idea, so I’ll focus on other things from here on out. Though you can request it if you want and I’ll rewrite the whole thing in whatever tense and person you desire, leaving everything else identical. Might take me a day or two to get around to it but it’s no trouble. I’m liking it overall so far, just focusing on the criticism for now.

“Hey, this might be bold, but..” should have three periods for a full ellipse, like this…

At this point I would probably add something about how Abigail feels about Karley asking her out like this after her nervousness before. Surely she’s a bit impressed or taken aback, even being the studly futch (a word which here means “a mixture of femme and butch preferred by some lesbians,” to channel Snicket for a moment) that she no doubt is? Up to you though.

> “Well, the bar closes at midnight, and I imagine we both want to shower and change.” The two girls shared a small laugh. “How about 5?” Abigail thought for a moment and nodded. “5 works. Let me give you my number. That way if either of us is running late or anything, we can let the other know.” Abigail robbed a scrap piece of paper from her pocket and scribbled her name and number, and gave it to Karley.

With dialogue heavy paragraphs like this and the one that follows, it’s often best to split them up into separate lines according to who’s talking, as such (tense and person changes also added):

“Well, the bar closes at midnight, and I imagine we both want to shower and change.” We share a small laugh. “How about 5?” she continues.

[or ‘goes on to say’, or ‘adds’, or whatever you like that fits like ‘continues’]

I think for a moment and nod. “5 works. Let me give you my number. That way if either of us is running late or anything, we can let the other know.” I rob a scrap piece of paper from my pocket and scribble my name and number, and give it to Karley.

She grabs her phone and saves the number, then looks back at me. “Awesome! I’m gonna go ahead and head home for a shower and stuff, but I’ll text you the name of the bar and the address.” Karley stood up, still turned to face me.

[still facing me would probably flow much better]

I nod, standing up as well. “Sounds good! I’ll see you in a few hours then.” We smile at each other and nod [again? not as in why are they nodding again but as in you should maybe add the word ‘again’ here.], then turn [ideally add ‘our/their’ here though it isn’t absolutely grammatically required, just recommended] separate ways to leave the gym.

“Abigail couldn’t lie, she didn’t expect to leave the gym with a date, but she wasn’t going to complain.”

It’s again time to choose between two sentences or a semicolon. Your options are: “Abigail couldn’t lie, she didn’t expect to leave the gym with a date. But she wasn’t going to complain.” or “Abigail couldn’t lie, she didn’t expect to leave the gym with a date; but she wasn’t going to complain.”

Look up what a “comma splice” is (basically, using a comma where you should create a new sentence or use a semicolon to separate two separate phrases properly) and how to identify them for further help in this area. It isn’t necessary at all to get it right in dialogue which can be much more informally brought to life, but it is more needed in narration.

No comma between “long” and “brown” whatsoever. Just “long brown hair” is correct, much like “bright green eyes” afterwards that you left comma-free. (Though probably because you were more easily able to picture “bright green” as a clause not deserving of a comma, as “bright green” is a single adjective in many contexts including probably the one you were using here. Either way though, neither parts of the sentence need a comma.)

Then “with” should be replaced with “as well as” plus fix a comma splice afterwards, therefore resulting in “as well as a fair complexion and freckles dotting her face. She stood slightly shorter than me/Abigail.”

Next couple sentences could actually work better becoming one this time instead of the other way around. For example: “I head home with more pep in my step than usual, unlocking my door and walking in, closing and locking it behind me.”

In formal settings such as narrative, you should abbreviate 5 PM as 5 PM or “around/roughly 5:00 PM” or “5 in the afternoon/early evening (dependent on season and locale)” or some such thing, not just 5pm. It stands out to a reader as texting shorthand, even if not as badly as “u” for “you” or whatever.

When displaying a text message in narrative, authors will usually give it an entire line all to itself, possibly with added metadata indicating it’s a text, as follows below. You could also be “shorter” with some grammatical stuff, as I try out in the reply from Abigail that I made up. However, if we’re looking to match archetypal presentations… futches like Abigail are more prone to use perfect grammar, it would fit Karley’s apparent archetype more to use less precise grammar, even lowercase or sparing txt spk abbreviations like the aforementioned ‘u’.

The text is a link to the name and address of a bar, followed by [another with] these words:

Unknown Number at 4:39 pm: This is Karley! Can’t wait to see you.

I smile as I read it, typing back a quick reply.

Abigail at 4:39 pm: Awesome! Thanks for the address & see you at 5

Good mention of the time later though, when it hits 4:45. As you surmised, there’s no need to clarify a.m. or p.m. anymore when that’s already been established in one way or another!

Next, there should be a comma in the sentence “She/I arrived/arrive a little before Karley[,] so she/I went/go inside and sat/sit at the bar.”

Then you could have a new paragraph before “After about 5 minutes, […]”. Then, it’s unclear after that sentence when and why they are smiling during the fairly lengthy process of ordering drinks. It leads the reader to maybe unfairly imagine that they’re smiling unceasingly in a pretty creepy manner the entire time that they’re sitting down and are ordering drinks. Reminds me of PLUR1BUS.

Anyway, then you should change “on” to “regarding” or something, therefore “but Karley didn’t/doesn’t have the same restraint regarding herself.”

Aaaand, that’s it. My first review in over a decade, phew. Hope it was helpful and constructive and such.

Overall, I liked this. I hope to see a continuation. I have a soft spot for such pairings.

Good job!

Good Morning fellow Wooper enjoyer 😊

I keep getting the feeling that there should be a comma after “slight” here: “ with a slight muscular build.“

Ah more tips on punctuation: You use a semicolon to connect complete sentences that are closely related to each other. Which also means that “; Obeying their partners every whim and command.” Doesn’t work. It’s not a complete sentence and you would have to not capitalize “obeying”. You can work with a period instead?

Achtung, we are switching POV here: “We looked at each other for a few moments before I said anything back to her.” It would also be perfect opportunity to describe Karley here: “ she notices someone keep glancing at her“ What type of person is Karley? What are they doing? How are they dressed etc? 😊


Aww I find the convo between the two very wholesome :3

“and I’d love to. get to know you better” Hmmmm maybe you want three dots here instead of a period?

“Well, the bar closes at midnight, and I imagine we both want to shower and change.” The two girls shared a small laugh. “How about 5?” Abigail thought for a moment and nodded. “5 works. Let me give you my number. That way if either of us is running late or anything, we can let the other know.” Abigail robbed a scrap piece of paper from her pocket and scribbled her name and number, and gave it to Karley.