Published August 18, 2010
Now that I have this fully edited please ignore the comment at the bottom that says not to read it. I hope that this is much better than the last version.
A woman, no older that 16, runs down a hallway in some far off castle. Her sky blue dress whips around her ankles. Her shoes, which are the same color of blue, click against the hardwood floor as she runs. Her hand brushes against the tan wall as she turns a corner. The light from the chandelier in the next hallway catches the sapphire jewels in the woman's crown, risking her being seen by one of the servants. She continues to run until she reaches the end of the hallway, where the only door in the castle that is locked stands. She pulls a key out of a hidden pocket in her dress and quickly unlocks the door and rushes inside, then locks the door again.
The room is large especially for a nursery and is painted a pale pink for a baby girl. As the woman walks into the room her shoes sink into the plush tan carpet. She looks around the room to make sure that no one else had been there. She looks to the left and sees a changing table and a small dresser with little dresses and shoes that she had picked for a baby girl. Then she looks right where there's a bed with railing around it that's meant for a toddler. Next to that she sees the door to the baby girl's walk-in closet with more dresses that she had picked, and a crown fit for a princess. Finally, after making sure no one had snuck into the room, she walks toward the middle of the room where there's a white wooden crib. Inside it a 2-year-old baby girl sleeping, with a white cotton night gown on.
The woman sees her baby just opening her golden brown eyes. She picks her baby up and rocks her back and forth as she walks toward the back of the room, where a large stain glass window is. She sits down in the wooden rocking chair in front of the window, it's white just like crib. The woman tries to smooth down the baby's wispy brown hair, with no success. She sits there for a while just rocking her baby gently back and forth. Then a girl rushes in, obviously out of breath from running, and quickly locks the door again. Doing this so quickly the girl also manages to get her red dress caught in the door. She quietly opens the door again and moves her dress. She looks only about 12. Her blue eyes scan the room looking for the woman, when she sees her the girl straightens her silver crown with rubies set in it and bows.
"Sorry I'm late my queen one of the servants caught me and, well let's just say I'll have some explaining to do tomorrow," she explains, rising from her bow.
"Don't worry dear no harm done, but be more careful next time alright?" the woman says.
"Of course I will Anna," the girl says, "But right now we need to go, are you ready?" she asks
"Paige, no mother is ever ready to give up her child," the woman says sadness in her voice, "but some, like me, must for their own good."
Paige nods silently understanding, her curly blonde hair bobbing up and down with each nod. Anna wraps her baby up in a pink blanket from her bed. Paige opens the door and they rush out into the hallway. The two hurry down the hall and then down a flight of stairs. After they wind their way toward the back of the castle, avoiding servants and many other people, they reach their destination. In front of them is a solid brick wall, at least to most people it is. Anna touches her hand to the wall, the other hand still holding the baby. Her hand starts to glow blue and a door appears, she opens it and hurries Paige in then rushes in herself.
On the other side of the door the two find themselves in a small hidden courtyard, that backs up to a dense forest. A boy, around 12, and a horse stand waiting for them. His hair matches the darkness of the forest behind him as does the cloak he's wearing As he sees Paige the boys eyes light up, he straightens up and bows toward the two.
"Hello ladies," he says smiling.
"Hello Adam" Paige says. Anna stays quiet her eyes watching her baby.
The horse, tan with a black mane, stomps its foot impatiently. Adam stands up and mounts his horse. Then Anna, after giving her baby a kiss on the forehead, gave her baby to him.
"You will take good care of her, won't you?" she asks.
"Of course I will," he answers.
"And you will take care of yourself too right?" Paige asks scared for him.
"Yes dear," the boy says rolling his eyes at her. The girl gave him a kiss on the cheek and the two say the rest of their goodbyes.
"Goodbye Breena," Anna says to her baby as the boy rode off into the forest with her. Taking her to her new home and her new life.
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140,963 Literary Works • 673,794 Reviews
Hey Breena, Fire here. I'm here to critique as requested. I noticed that you haven't updated your post since Joy critiqued it, so forgive me if I repeat points that she has already pointed out.
Since this is an edited chapter, I'm not going to hold off, expect it to be a little harsh.
And off to the critique we go...
Nit Picks Punctuation and Errors
I told you before several times that in a story all numerical symbols should be converted into words. So 16 should be written as sixteen.
This part sounds awkward (yes, its me and the awkwardness again, hehe) try something like - Her shoes, resembling the color/hue of her dress, click against the hardwood floor as she runs.
Again, I've told you before to reduce the usage of the word and. Play with your sentences, use more comma's or other punctuation marks.
For example - She pulls a key out of a hidden pocket in her dress to unlock the door. Then, after rushing inside, she locks the door again.
Use something like what i have added above. It makes the sentence more natural.
Okay your usage of the words left and right seem very artificial here. Try to be more natural and flowing. You don't have to give the exact direction or coordinates of her view. Thats like saying - She looked at point B, a few feet away from her at a bearing of forty five degrees on a horizontal plane..
The last line seems very awkward. Try using toddlers bed or crib or something like that to make it more flowing instead of trying to confuse the reader by explaining something in a confusing way.
The word moves sounds unnatural. If you are going to use it, try using it in a sentence such as moves her dress out of the way.
So even this girl, Anna, has a crown right? So is she royalty as well?
Adding the three dots adds more realism into the spoken sentence. It seems more likely to have been spoken by a normal person. You can also try using another comma or changing the sentence.
Here, you've repeated the word down. It doesn't necessarily have to always be down. It could be up the hall and then down a flight of stairs, or through the hall and then down a flight of stairs etc. Use different words. Try not to repeat.
Touches seems forced into the sentence, try places or some other synonym.
If both characters are royalty, do you really think a normal boy would address them in such a fashion? Is he maybe a very close friend? Or maybe nobility?
This makes it more natural, but it does not have to be like this. You can change it in a appropriate fashion.
Here, you repeat the word her. Since we already know that it is her baby, maybe you could change it to - her eyes watching the baby?
Again you've repeated the word give here. Try using a synonym of give, it may make it more natural.
Overview
I'm skipping straight to the overview because I've already spoken about the other factors in the previous post.
This is certainly a good edit. You've improved a lot compared to your past post. Well done! I really like this one (obviously more than the last) and look forward to reading the rest of your story. There are a few mistakes and I apologize if I was being a little harsh in this post. All in all, all you need to do it keep writing. You will (as you've proved to us) improve with each post.
Great work editing, keep it up Breena!
-Fire-
You have mostly stylistic issues, and with it being your first chapter, that's common. I think you're trying to tell us too much, rather than show us. There wasn't much emotion behind your characters, and you need to work that out a little. I also suggest you eliminate as many -ly adverbs as you can and replace them with stronger verbs. I do see this has much potential! Keep writing and keep editing. Don't stop. You'll develop your style, and when you do, this will be a great story. I like your imagination with the setting.
Have fun with it! I'll keep an eye out for the next chapter.
Wonderful! I read the original, and this is definitely better. I would love to read more.
I'm still editing it so I didn't mean to post it
I dont know why you wouldn't want to post it, I liked it and can't wait to read more
do not read hit submit instead of save!!!!!!!