"I love you" was the first thing he said to Candace that day. They had just met three days ago, and the fell in love just that easily. It was wonderful what just a few texts and phone calls could do right? Worng. Jace wasnt a normal fifeteen year old who went to Century High School. He was so much different from all the other hot popular guys. When he saw a girl he liked, he could automatically make them adore him. But when he met Candace his charm wouldnt work. He tried every thing but Candace would just deny it. Then He finally went up to her on a friday and said, "Candace your beautiful, I've tried everything i could to get you to like me. I think im giving up. But i might not if you just say yes when i ask you to go to the movies with me tomorrow." He ginned his dimpled smile that all the girls loved.
"Jace." was all Candace said. And when she didnt say anything else he felt a saddening chill go through his body and he started to walk off. "Wait Jace." Candace grabbed his shoulder and turned him so he could see her lovely face. "I would love to go to the movies with you tomorrow." She smiled at him and he smiled back.
So they went to the movies. He liked her more than he had ever liked a girl. She felt the same. Then he said "I love you." And thats when she knew she had to end it. So after three more days she said, "Jace. We have to break up."
Jace didnt understand. "Why?" Candace could hear the saddness in his voic and she could see the hurt in his eyes.
"Im leaving."
"Where are you going?"
"Away."
He lookes at her strangely and confused. "I dont understand."
Candace could feel the tears coming but she choked them back. "Theres something going on in Chicago." was all she could get out.
"Candace. Wherever you go I'll follow."
"Not this time Jace." Candace kissed him and hugged him hard then left.
It had been two weeks and Jace didnt hear anything from Candace. Then on one random day his phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Jace!" It was Candace.
"Candace? Oh my god i miss you so much why havent you called?"
"Im calling now arent I?"
"Yeah but its been two weeks, how have you been?"
"Well Im coming back."
"Candace! Thats great! I've missed you so much and Im hating being away from you."
"Yeah me too." but she didnt sound happy or excited. She even sounded sick.
"Babe. Whats wrong?"
Then she coughed a hard sickening cough, "Im just not feeling to well is all."
Jace was suspicious. "Whats going on?"
"Nothing."
"Yes there is."
There was a moment of silence. "Jace im sorry I have to go my mom needs to use the phone. I love you and I'll see you soon. Bye"
She hung up before he could resond.
When Candace came home Jace and her spent every waking hour with eachother. Three months passed and Candace knew it was time to tell him the truth.
"Jace...theres a reason why we went to Chicago."
"What is it?"
"We went there so i could get tested." he looked confused, " Jace. I have cancer. THe doctors sent me home because there wasnt anything else they could do about it."
He was shocked, hurt, mad, and most of all sad. "How much longer?"
"I dont know. The doctors here say i have at least a week."
"DOnt worry. I'll stay with til the end."
A week passed and Candace got so bad she coudnt move. Jace was sitting with her on her bed. "Jace. I think its time." Candace coughed.
Jace started to cry. "Remember what i said I'd stay with you til the end."
"I know."
"I love you more then anything in this world."
"I love you too."
He cried harder. "Hey dont worry...you know I'll always be with you no matter what."
"Ok." and he kissed her and held her.
And with his lips still touching hers, she slipped away into a never ending sleep.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Well hello there Breathless! Welcome to YWS!! I hope you love it here like I do
Ok, so this story I thought was pretty good for a first post! The story was very surprising! I thought she was gonna tell him her grandfather died or she was pregnant or something. *gets werid stares from other people* WHAT I DID!
So I'm not going to nitpick you since its your first post but I do want to point some stuff out to you.
So one of things I wanna point out is that the story is a little fast. Slow it down, add some detail and it'd be breath-taking.
Also, you forget some puntuation in places, such as:
And in a lot of other places.
Other than that and some other little gramatical errors I think the story is rather heart-warming and surprising. Good job
Keep up the good work!
-Irish
Welcome to the site! That was fairly good for your first post, but there are a few definate things you could change. First off, this could be a great story, but it's way too short. You need to progress a lot slower to keep the reader interested. When you got to the part about Candace having cancer, it didn't really make me feel sad for her or anything. I didn't know the characters well enough yet. It was too sudden. Also, I don't think you described the characters' feelings well enough. Jace didn't seem like he was affected very much when he found out she had cancer. Add a little bit more time into the story before Jace says he loves her, then describe how sad he is about Candace in detail. I hope this wasn't too harsh of a review for your first post!
Hey Breathless! Welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy your time here--make sure you review other peoples' work, but also make sure that you play around and have a lot of fun! If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a line any time. :)
On to your story. I thought that this was a very solid first piece--you have a lot to work with here. I like the idea of the conflict at the beginning. Having Jace all cocky and then getting shot down by Candace is a nice reality check...I wish that happened more often in real life! I also thought the twist at the end was really sweet and sad. I thought she was having family issues in Chicago, not health issues!
Here are a few tips:
- This story could be a novel in itself. The way that you have it written now, it feels a bit like an outline--we have all the events in place, but you didn't slow down enough for us to get to know your characters. If you get your hands on a story like this one, where it could end up being its own book but you don't really want to commit that much time to it, you have to get a little creative. My favorite method is the "snapshot" story--taking little chunks of a longer story (images, conversations, that sort of thing) and putting them strategically so that you get a short story out of it. You can tell a lot with a little. I can't think of an example of this technique at the moment (kind of loopy on cold meds, haha) but if I can find one I'll let you know.
- When people fall in love, they can be kind of crazy--but there are also some guidelines to follow. It's very rare that a person that young would be truly "in love" after two weeks with a girl to pledge to spend the rest of their days together. Also, every romance is different. What's different about Candace and Jace? Sure, they go to a movie, but what kind of movie do they see? How does he flirt with her? Do they talk a lot? About what? Part of the fun of romantic stories is answering these questions, so be sure to ask yourself lots of them!
Thanks for the read, Breathless! Let me know if you have any questions about the site or about your piece, and I look forward to reading some more of your work.