Candlestick

by Bowie20049

Thought I try my hand on posting. G'luck 'reviewing' this.

Spoiler! :

The layout was simple—a table with two chairs set across from each other. A candlestick stood on the middle of the table. The candle--being the only source of light--lit the room, giving it a faint orange tint. Nothing else was in the room, save for a set of wooden stairs that led upward. Creak…creak, went the stairs. They were aged enough to make such a noise.

From the stairs, a young girl with a bright smile on her face delicately walked down. Behind her, a man of the older variety followed. The girl held his hand and led him to the table. Like a lady of royal times, she sat him down by the table, and tied a short bib around his neck. The girl giddily ran back upstairs, leaving the man alone with no one, but the candles.

The man seemed to stare down at the candlestick, and from an outsider’s view, it would seem like they were having a joyous conversation. Creak, creak, creak, went the stairs once more.

The girl had returned bearing plates and silverware. She set them down in their appropriate places—in front of the man and on where she would sit. A loud beep signaled that the food was ready. The girl giggled as it was deemed acceptable for a youngling her age. She took off, again, leaving the man with the candlestick.

The wax was melting much like a typical candle should. If one was to assume that they were indeed conversing, then perhaps the man had broken the poor candle’s heart? It must be the case as the candle had shed tears, but for what cause? The outsiders did not know, and the man just stared at the candlestick with cold indifference.

Creak…creak…creak, went the stairs for the last time. The girl had returned with another smile as if she had come victorious. With her, she had carried her prize, a plump turkey. It was lightly seasoned, not as much as she wanted, but the girl had to keep the man in mind. She gently set her bounty down on the table almost as if it was a tribute to God, who, if it was, would have been very pleased to be gifted such a meal.

She sat herself across the man. He didn’t touch his silverware. The girl, being the polite hostess, carved the bird. She gave a few slices to the man. He simply stared down at it. The girl sat back down, and patiently looked at the man.

“You must be shy,” she said. The girl followed basic table etiquette and didn’t dare touch her own meal until the guest ate first. “Don’t worry. Nobody will hurt you!” she teased.

He slumped over face first on the meat. The girl gasped in an infantile surprise.

“No!” she scolded. “You’re supposed to eat with forks and knives, silly!”

Of course, it was useless. The man couldn’t respond. How could he? He was dead.

And the candlestick just stared.

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Tue Dec 29, 2009 6:03 pm

StellaThomas wrote a review...

Hey Bowie! Stella here!

You seem like you're itching for harshness...

I. NITPICKS

The candle--being the only source of light--lit the room, giving it a faint orange tint.

Well, I mean, duh, it lit the room, if it's the only source of light. I don't think that clause is necessary.

They were aged enough to make such a noise.

Just a note that I live in a new house and... the stairs still creak when somebody's on them?

a young girl with a bright smile on her face delicately walked down.

Where else is the smile going to be? I understand why you want to mention that it's on her face, saying "with a bright smile" does sound a bit odd, but maybe rephrase it so it's not quite so blunt?

leaving the man alone with no one, but the candles.

Don't trust me on commas, but I'm unsure about the presence of this one.

in front of the man and on where she would sit.

I don't think you need the "on" here.

Alright...

II. YOU MEAN HE WAS DEAD?

*gasp* Shock horror! Never!

The fun thing about making your readers suddenly realise that something's up the whole time is dropping the hints so that they knew all along... You make an attempt at this, but in parts it's just not working. I mean, she carries him down the stairs? When you say she's a young girl, and from her behaviour, I'm expecting that she's what? Like nine, ten? How does she manage to carry or drag a full-grown man down the stairs while remaining "delicate"?

You said that if you make it any clearer, you'd be screaming it, but you wouldn't. It would actually make it a lot more fun for us to read if you dropped a few more hints. You do do some and on second reading it is clearer. But especially with the entry scene, I think you firstly need to describe a girl dragging a body, and then edit that to make it ambiguous- not write the ambiguity straight, because it just seems odd.

III. OVERALL

The others have already talked about characters and I have to agree with them, but I'm not going to repeat what's been said twice already. Overall, it's not bad- your writing's very formal and a bit weird, but if that's your style, great. I think, though, with the language considered along with the rest, you could do a lot to make this accessible to your readers. Remember you might get it, but if you want anybody who doesn't have your spectacular intellect to understand it, maybe you could spend a bit longer on those hints and on your characters too. Don't be afraid to drag things out a little- the length of this means you can afford to.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

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Tue Dec 29, 2009 4:50 pm

Writersdomain wrote a review...

Hey bowie! Tis WD! Glad I finally got around to this. So, this was interesting; the idea of a man being dead at the table and the candlestick is nice. Like Snoink said, I think the candlestick is the strongest character here.

Your other characters aren't coming across as vividly. I'm going to have to agree with Snoink that the girl is extremely flat right now. She giggles and I get that she's a little crazy, but we need more details and more subtlety to bring these things out. Even characters that are meant to convey messages (sickening innocence, I think you said) must be fully developed or they fall flat and don't engage the reader. Without strong characters, your reveal is also falling flat. I think it would be good to sit down and really consider what other, subtle ways you can develop the girl. Is her smile genuine? Troubled? How does she walk--like here:

From the stairs, a young girl with a bright smile on her face delicately walked down.

There are powerful verbs that would work wonders for your characterization rather than saying she 'delicately walked'. Right now, as a reader, I'm not curious at all about your character's motives and thus the reveal falls flat.

The candlestick is a wonderful touch, however, and I'd like to see more of that as well; I'm also curious as the to the girl's relationship to the candlestick. Right now the candlestick is so central it seems strange that the man should have such a dynamic with the candlestick while the girl does not. If your story wants to center around that object, I think we need the girl's reactions to it as well. Something to think about, anyway. :wink:

Lastly, you have a nice writing style and I'm impressed by your choice of words in places. You had some simply dazzling sentences, but this piece is also suffering from lack of build-up. This story wants to build to the realization that the man is dead, but there is no acceleration or climb in curiosity on the part of the reader. These kinds of builds are often achieved by having something become increasingly bizarre, picking up the pace or manipulating the sentences around to create suspense. Part of this is due to the vagueness of the girl, but, when you are revising this, really think about how to build up to that revealing moment of the man being dead.

Let's look at the very moment of reveal:

Of course, it was useless. The man couldn’t respond. How could he? He was dead

What bothers me about this part is that you come out as the narrator and tell us he's dead without weaving hints and ironic words that hint at his death thoroughly into the narrative leading up to it. Yes, he stares coldly and never moves, but if you worked on weaving the hints at his death into this and increased the intensity of the hints before then, the reader would be hanging with suspense wondering if they're catching all the hints right and then this part won't fall as flat. I think relying on hints more than on narrator intervention would help this piece enormously. :wink:

I know you don't want to make things too obvious, but, I think the way you execute the reveal makes it less subtle than if you work with reveal and weave in those death reference.

All in all, I liked this piece. You have a very interesting idea with the candlestick and your writing style is rather lovely. I'm really glad you posted this; it was enjoyable to read. When revising, just stop and think about developing your characters more fully and building in such a way that you engage the reader fully. Keep those two things in mind and this will improve greatly. :wink:

Very nice job! Keep writing and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!

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Tue Dec 29, 2009 8:31 am

Snoink says...

Of course not. If you did that, I would be disappointed. Subtlety is key here. But I would like to see more of the girl's character than her just giggling and stomping up and down the stairs, which is what she mainly does at the moment. And I would like to see better descriptions of her character rather than the continuous mentioning of how young she is... a not-so-subtle description which you use to bludgeon the fact that she is "innocent" to us. So the actions and description of her is really repetitive at this point. However, by adding some variety to the description of her and making her do more subtle things, it'll help the story overall and make her a deeper character by letting us see different facets of her. Always a good thing! Plus, it won't be, "She's looney!" It'll be, "Oh my God... what keeps her doing this?" And that wonder is always a good thing, especially for these sorts of stories.

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Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:56 am

Bowie20049 says...

The point was that the guy was dead the whole time. The girl was to reflect innocence in a way that it would be a little sickening.

Also, I wasn't trying to shove "He's dead!" and "She's a looney!" in front of your faces. That job is for the reader. Of course, there are parts that I do need to improve, but I don't want to bluntly shout out the message and themes for you.

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Tue Dec 29, 2009 7:47 am

Snoink wrote a review...

One of the things that I think is missing is us knowing whether he's dead in the first place. If he is dead, then lose the "followed" in "Behind her, a man of the older variety followed." Otherwise, it seems like he is actively following her. Plus, it might be interesting if you changed the wording around to indicate that he is already dead. You can talk about "hollowed eyes" which, upon the first reading, may seem to be just tired eyes but, with the second, it becomes apparent that he is dead. These suggestions, of course, depend on him being dead in the first place.

If he isn't dead in the first place... if he's alive and then dies... then you got to make his death seem more dramatic. Otherwise, it's boring.

Right now, it seems to be the sort of piece where the whole novelty is finding out that the guy is actually dead at the end of the story. But once that is known, it isn't really remarkable. In fact, it kind of seems silly. The girl giggles so much that she seems childish (and if that is the case, how could she have possibly carried him down?) and the way she talks to him... I'm not sure if she's mocking him or just crazy. I would like to see some distinction made in that case, as to what her reaction is.

The candlestick is interesting... sadly, it's the most interesting character. Just work on revealing more about the girl and the guy. You can do this subtly without ruining the ending... trust me. Otherwise, it'll remain awfully flat.

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Candlestick

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