Published January 20, 2010
I see through eyes of another person
Not me
No, it could never be me
I see the times when people laugh and cry
When they jump and sigh
Love and Hate
Is something people think could never relate
But they are opposites
Yet puzzle pieces that have a perfect fit
I saw this all
Through someone elses eyes
It is time you tried looking through mine
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,703 Reviews
I disagree with him totally. Some of the best poems don't rhyme. I thought your poem was interesting. You don't need to be serious about writing a poem at all, you just have to let your hands flow with your mind. You do NOT need to be serious at all. Sure, think about how it reads and sounds, but with poetry, if its coming from how you feel, it doesn't matter how it sounds, as long as you like it someone else will because it came from your heart and mind.
Sorry! Just had to say something about that post. If its good, say so, you know? How are you going to put "good luck" after all the discouraging things you said. If your story was bad, I would honestly tell you. It was good. Really cool sounding too. Just keep up the good work! I wish you made it longer so I could read more! If you ever need me, pm me!
It's good, except I'm not very good with poems, so the reason behind this poem is vague to me. The lines are choppy, and the flow is broken into little pieces. Also, the rhyming is a distraction. A poem like this doesn't need rhyming, because it just looks like you couldn't come up with a word to rhyme with THAT word so you just stuck in a line.
I like it though. Keep writing. :]
Sorry if this seemed a bit harsh. I just want you to improve as much as you can.
Hello!
Aside from the structural parts of this poem that may not hit the spot, I think it'd be beneficial to elaborate on what you're saying here. There's not enough about the eyes here (or so I feel), and I think you need to add a lot more, because we don't know how it's different from what/how you see.
Additionally, the things that you see are much too light, dear. I'm not too sure that I can appreciate it as it stands, because "love and hate" is so generic, and I think you should narrow it down to a characteristic of it (or so) and write about that in your lines instead.
June
Your number one problem here is the complete lack of rhythm or flow. Your lines are choppy and varying in size for no real reason, and it's difficult to read without stopping and starting, leaving the reader to feel disjointed.
Right now it strikes me as a few disconnected lines of general thoughts that you haven't pieced together at all. If you want your poem to be taken seriously, you need to start thinking more seriously about how it reads and how it sounds.
Good luck.
I think you meant 'people.'
I think you need to add more poetic phrases to this. Such as, what colors were the eyes? Maybe relate the color to some other meaning. EX: Green means envy, so by saying their eyes are green, you can secretly say they are envious.
This is a bit cliche, but unlike others on this site, I like cliche. I would like a little more originality to this, though. I want you to add some of your own phrases, you know?
Classy
First what I would suggest is getting rid of your rhyme scheme. It's very difficult to use the best words and rhyme at the same time, which means that you often restrict your meaning by rhyming. You could do more with this piece without the rhymes.
Your subject isn't the most over-used, but you still need something more to set it apart. You use a whole series of cliches to tell us what the person sees; you need more description to help us to see it. What I also noticed is that, your list was easily something that the person could be seeing themselves. There's nothing about any of them that makes it clearly from another person's point of view.
A number of your lines didn't make any sense to me.
"Peole think could never relate
But they are opposites
Yet puzzle peices that have a perfect fit"
Something vital is missing there, that connects those lines together. Right now I don't have the slightest clue why these are here. (I bolded a couple typos I noticed)
This poem would greatly benefit from more description; metaphors, imagery. Moreover, we have no idea what this person is feeling. We could guess, but it should be clear in the poem. Some good strong pictures would help this poem very much.
"It is time you tried looking through mine" Another cliche; not very strong for a last line. Cliches are unfailingly weak lines. Apart from that, I'm having a big problem with indifference for the person in your poem. Without knowing what they're feeling and why, all I can think of them is that they sound self-pitying, whiny.
Ironically, I guess, what you need is to help us see this through their eyes.
Good luck.
haha thanks... i meant to say cry
Hola!
I am here to review! Yay!
Okay, First of all, I love it, beyond what you could possibly think!
But....did you mean to say vry, or did you mean cry.
Besides that it was wonderful!
Ciao,
Kally
Thanks! That means a lot to me!
Hmm, pretty cool. Soemtimes just looking through other peoples eyes gives you a taste of whats happening to them. Cool, thoughtful poem. I really liked it!
keep going. I'm excited to read more of your work. I'm a terrible poet so this is refreashing after struggling through my own stuff!
peace!
~*~fairygirl~*~